Sunday, December 18, 2011

Heartbroken for my friend

Remember my dear friend who told me a few weeks ago that she was unexpectedly pregnant? The one I was so very happy to be experiencing pregnancy with and anticipating becoming mothers together? Yesterday they found out they lost their baby.

I am so heartbroken for her and her husband. There are almost no words. They had their first appointment at 11.5 weeks of pregnancy and discovered the baby only measured at 6 weeks (which, by the way, isn't that a crazy long time for her body to hold onto the pregnancy?! She was still experiencing morning sickness!). Thanks to my own suffering through infertility I feel like I can be an empathatic friend to her, but I also know I have not (thankfully) experienced a miscarriage. So devastating.

And, of course, there is the part of all of this that I am now the pregnant friend who will always be about as far along as she would have been, whose baby will (God willing) be born around when hers would have been, and my baby will hit milestones and birthdays at the same times as her baby would have. We have already had a good talk where I said I completely understand if she needs space from me because of that, and I think she will be able to tell me if or when she does. But, for now, I am just trying to be there for her as much as possible through phone calls, keeping her company, and anything else she might need.

Sad, sad weekend.

12 comments:

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry for your friend. It's it strange how things can change so quickly and somehow you're suddenly on the other side?

Andrea said...

My heart breaks for your friend, as I have stood in her shoes, literally, almost the same scenario.

You may not have endured a miscarriage, but you certainly endured loss, each and every failed IVF cycle....she's lucky to have you as a friend. And I continue to pray for you and your sweet growing miracle!

Biggest Hugs, as this is a tough "friend" position to be in. If she shuns you, behaves akwardly or is plain not interested in you or your pregnancy, give her a pass...it happens, and grief is an awful thing.

Anonymous said...

I have had 2 miscarriages. The first was 8 years ago and a co-worker was pregnant at the same time. I was 15 weeks along. To this day I still feel that tug at my heart when I see her healthy son. My more recent miscarriage happened when I was 8 weeks along. my best friend who had trouble conceiving was also pregnant and about 7 weeks head of me. She has a beautiful baby girl now and my anticipated due date is 10 days away.

I say let your friend have some space and sometimes these wounds nver heal but knowing that she has a great friend who understands will help her through the pain.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Betty Rubble said...

As a new mom my heart breaks even more for your friend. I wish her healing during this sad time. She is lucky though to have someone who very much understands.

Krystal said...

Ugh. I'm so very sorry to hear this. We had a similar experience when we had our miscarriage last summer. We had a perfectly normal ultrasound at 7+ weeks and at 10+ weeks we had no heartbeat and were still only measuring 7ish. They call it a "missed miscarriage." I was still sick as a dog, too. It sucks severely. Just be there for her as much as you think she would want you to.

Infertile Mormon Mommy said...

So heartbreaking! I hate these kind of stories! You're a good friend to try and be there for her, but at the same time understanding that this is so hard for her. A friend of mine and I both did Clomid together, mine worked, hers didn't and never did, it's so hard when you know that just being around a good friend can be painful for them.

jeanna said...

I don't think you were asking for advice, but here is my two cents.

If your friendship lasts (I hope it does) then make time get together with her without your baby. I had a friend who never even offered and it hurt.

Also, food/dinner and a card go a long way.

I am so sorry for you and her.

Deanna: Miss(ed) Conception said...

I am heartbroken for your friend as well. Especially having suffered a miscarriage recently also. The fact that you recognize that your friend may need some space from you, speaks volumes. I have a dear friend that it due a day after I was. She deserves the miracle she is going to have and I recognize that. I am over the moon happy for her but it still stings sometimes. She doesn't volunteer info about her pregnancy but will gladly share when I ask.

Also, the doctor told me that the fetus shrinks once he/she dies. At 9 weeks my my baby was measuring 7w6d and just two days later it was measuring 6w3d (or something like that.) So there's a chance the fetus died closer to the date of her u/s and had just shrunk. Oh, I had the symptoms until my d&c was complete. The body is still producing HCG until the placenta is removed (I'm no dr, please don't quote me. This is what I remember from my dr but it was on the day of my surgery so there's def a chance I misunderstood.)

I'm praying for healing for your friend. It is devastating and I really feel her pain. You are a great friend. Keep being the sweet, empathetic and sensitive person you are.

Leah said...

I'm so sorry for your friend. What a devastating loss. I'm glad she has you, and you are always so sensitive and in tune with what others are going through. Thinking and praying for your friend.

evsmarie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your friend. Such heartbreaking news - especially during the holidays.

My best friend and I were pregnant together for a short time during my first pregnancy. I had struggled with infertility and FINALLY had gotten pregnant shortly after she had gotten pregnant on their second month of trying. :-) But... she had a very similar experience. She began spotting at 10 1/2 weeks and when she went in the baby only measured at 6 weeks or so. (She never had an earlier appt.) It was heartbreaking on so many levels. She is like my sister - someone I talk to constantly. I told her the same thing - that I wouldn't send ultrasound pictures, give updates, etc... until she was ready. Bless her heart, she was just as compassionate about rejoicing for my long-awaited pregnancy and always asked even when when I know it was difficult for her. She became pregnant again a few months later, but before that (and after, since the heartbreak doesn't magically go away) I made sure to check in with how she was doing and if it wasn't a great day? I didn't talk about or kept brief my own pregnancy info. I also made sure to acknowledge her first baby's due date with a card (I had just had my baby - so taking her out to dinner wasn't in the cards).

hollygandco said...

I am so so sorry. I feel sad for your friend, but I feel sad for you too, as I know you were so very excited to hear her unexpected news. Much like you, I don't know how it feels to have a miscarriage versus a failed treatment, but I think the feelings of loss are still comparable, in that you both mourn a hope and dream of things to come. It's hard, in the moment, to be grateful for a trial like infertility, but there have been times when I've been so grateful to have experienced the disappointment of infertility if only to be able to empathize on some level with others I know and love who have gone on to go through something similar. I don't know all the reasons for you and your husband going through infertility, but I can't help but feel that, on some level, the experiences you had will help your friend, who had never experienced that kind of loss, and will no doubt need some sort of anchor in her grief. I pray that this experience will draw you two closer together as friends, and that she will feel her faith in Heavenly Father grow as she works through her grief.

The Curtis Family said...

Hillary, I'm so sad to hear this news It brings back sorrow, because I was the friend who was unexpectedly pregnant and miscarried at 11 weeks. My best friend and I were a about a month apart. It was difficult, but I love her kids as if they were my own. I know she is happy for you, even in her grief. And as terribly difficult as that time in my life was, I would not change a thing. Blessings and a Merry Christmas! KC