Thursday, October 27, 2011

Spreading the news

I have moments where I feel so much peace about this pregnancy. In those moments, I actually enjoy the fact there is nothing I can do - God will either continue to grow this baby or not. I also think about what a sheer and utter miracle this pregnancy is and feel God's blessings on it. (I updated this blog with pregnancy info during one of this days, but regretted it the next day). Admittedly, these moments usually correlate with "feeling" pregnant, which I know is not something I should set my hope on.

There are other days and moments that I question this pregnancy. Again, admittedly, this is often when I don't "feel" pregnant. When fear grips me and I try to pray and seek God's peace but it feels elusive. I know God does not want me to fear or worry, and I think about this and it makes me worry even more. I also think about how my stress might be negatively effecting the baby and I worry even more. I think this is an area the Lord still has much refining work to do in me!

We have told a small number of people about the pregnancy, although it is more people than I would have liked. We told our parents and brothers the night we found out, which was actually very exciting and I am happy we did. I wasn't feeling anxious then. :) I called my grandma the next morning, and she was so happy she cried! :)

The night we found out we decided we would only tell a very small, select few family and friends about the pregnancy. I called my best friend who lives in St. Louis, and also told a friend who I was having lunch with the next day. She is a close friend, and there was NO way I could have a normal lunch after all that had happened in the last 24 hours. We told some close friends who had offered to let K stay in their house because they were asking for updates about that situation. And then I thought we were done telling people.

The very next day my husband came home from work and told me not to be mad, but he had told his 5 person team at work. What?! But I justified it that he was excited AND I rarely if ever see those people. I feel like we have had the, "Don't be mad, but I told x" conversation a few times in the last couple weeks, but I can't grudge him his excitement and they are HIS friends.

Since then I have told a couple more people, too, but it has been a lot more difficult for me. I know I didn't have to tell them, but for various reasons I just decided to do it. However, in the process of telling them I have felt like my anxiety increased - like saying the words "I am pregnant" out loud has made my fear increase because what if I am no longer pregnant? Part of me wants to shout it off the roof tops, but another part of me is so scared that I just can't even look happy when I tell people.

Tomorrow feels like The Big Day - will there be a heart beat? I ask God this all day. I know so many of you shared that you did not feel pregnant - thank you! - but it is still hard because I don't feel pregnant, and I have felt less pregnant the last couple days than the little I did before.

Carrie, my appointment is at 10:15am PST tomorrow - thank you for offering to pray! Thank you to all of you for your prayers and support!





25 comments:

Sarah said...

Good luck tomorrow!! I will definitely say a prayer for you tonight. :) We had issues with who to tell and when, but finally we just decided to embrace it with everything we have and hope for the best! :)

kdactyl said...

I know these first days are sooooo scary...but you are right...there is nothing you can do and whether you tell 10 people or ten thousand...it will not matter...God's plan for you and this baby have been written already. So...as hard as I know this is because I have been there...love this time, be joyful and just embrace it....

I will pray for you as well...so excited to hear your super good news tomorrow that you have a healthy little flickering bean in there tomorrow.
kd

Life Happens said...

Your anxiety is perfectly normal. It's SO hard to try and not worry. As much as we say it's in God's hands (which it is), the fear/anxiety is still very real.

Isn't it so exciting to tell people and see how genuinely happy they are for you??!

Will be saying extra prayers for you tomorrow for your appt!

Christian sister in Alaska said...

Thank you for your being transparent and sharing this journey with all of us. After 3 yrs of IF, we adopted. I'm praying God also gives us a biological child too. :)
Our verse for our baby is "For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted me what I ask of Him." I Samuel 1:27.
Praise God for the blessings in our lives!

Jill said...

sending lots of hugs and prayers you way!!! I know exactly how you feel about spreading the news. It all should be so exciting but you're hesitant...I hope after tomorrow you can shout from the rooftops!!! and I love your new ticker on your blog!

Melody said...

will be praying during that time for you.

tanyaslifejourney said...

Thinking of you as you go for your u/s tomorrow...

As for telling people, my thought, after having gone through a pregnancy loss is allow people to rejoice with you! They will help you to relish in the joy throughout the pregnancy. If God has other plans, they will then be there to support you and mourn with you. Live in the moment and experience all the joys of being pregnant! :)

Jem said...

Personally I have been very conservative about who I've told I'm pregnant. It was scary for me to start telling people at work and I'm 13 weeks along! I urge you to keep this quiet until 12 or 13 weeks. You can still be excited and fully embrace BEING pregnant, without telling everyone and their cat.

That's just my opinion and please feel free to do what's right for you. I'm much more cautious than other people. I do know that most doctors and all those pregnancy websites recommend telling people at 12-13 weeks.

Wishing you the best for tomorrow's u/s. Hearing the heartbeat is such a magical thing.

Anonymous said...

praying, praying, praying... don't play the symptom game, it's a losing one as our bodies don't play fair :)

wishing you peace tonight and tomorrow, breathe!

Jenna

Mimi said...

Prayers for you guys tomorrow! I enjoy your posts so much! and I am so excited for you! Tell who you want to, I felt like I owed it to those who had prayed over us for the 6 years we tried! Embrace the wonderment of the miracle growing inside you!!! God's love for us is monumental!!!

An Aspiring Mom-To-Be said...

Good luck tomorrow! I've been following your blog for a little while. I was pretty nervous about my pregnancy too. I had symptoms some days, and none the next. It really made me fearful. My doctor always said that everyone is different... that you can't tell anything by what you are feeling.

As far as telling everyone, my husband and I did tell our family and a few close friends. We reasoned that even if something DID happen that we would need support from those people anyways. It sounds like you have done a good job of picking just the right circumstances for sharing your news. Glad your family is so excited :)

Anonymous said...

Praying for you tomorrow. And please don't feel like there is a "right" or "wrong" time to tell. This is a miracle and deserves to be celebrated!
God holds this in His hands. You are safe entrusting it to Him.
sending love and prayers from a sister in TX.
-Lauren

Melis.sa said...

:) i didn't 'feel' pregnant with Elizabeth until I was 20 some weeks? no, wait 17 maybe. Each one is different. Can't wait to hear about your appointment tomorrow!! :D

Anonymous said...

I will be praying that you see and hear the precious heart beat of your baby tomorrow! Best to you!
Remember...He loves you not matter what! But you know that!

Leah said...

Thinking and praying for you for tomorrow!

You know, the day I found out I was pregnant, me and the hubby thought we would keep it to ourselves until we knew the pregnancy was "safe." Here's the thing. . . That is IMPOSSIBLE!!! This is news to be shared. Some people couldn't believe I told them before 12 weeks, but you know what? You are a mom right now. You have a baby inside of you. And the small chance that it didn't work out, you are STILL a mom, and that deserves to be celebrated.

Linda said...

I swear you have the exact same brain as me. After reading this post, I told my husband that I could just copy and paste what you said into my blog and it would be 100% accurate! (Don't worry... i won't) I just feel the EXACT same way you do. I don't feel pregnant and it drives me crazy!!! And I also have anxiety telling people. It's all just very nerve-racking! Good luck tomorrow!!!! I will be waiting to hear good news! Fingers crossed! :)

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Hillary....With our miracle baby I did not feel pregnant at ALL for many, many weeks. In fact, I was convinced something was wrong, as I never had a day of morning sickness, but all was well :) Don't let what you read about HOW you should feel bring about more anxiety. Every pregnant woman's experience is unique.

I will be praying for you and your growing little bean.

BIG HUGS
Andrea
persuitofourfairytale.blogspot

Anonymous said...

(Wordslikeswords)

I'll be praying for you as well hon. I don't know if it helps, but I still don't "feel" pregnant most of the time and I'm 20 weeks! Only when the baby is being particularly active. And then I freak out if she's not. Everything you're going through is totally normal. But I'm still going to pray everything is great for you.

Anonymous said...

I swore that if I ever got pregnant I would immediately tell everyone I knew. Because they would be happy for us. Because worst case scenario, I would have a full support team for a tragedy. Then it happened. Our IVF was cancelled due to low response, and somewhere in the middle of that we got pregnant the "normal" way. And everytime I reached for the phone, I would think I was dooming this little life. So I tried to be conservative and just tell a few people and I still have a hard time telling people at 13 weeks. And I begged God for symptoms at 6 weeks and begged him again at 8 or 9 to please take the symptoms away. All your feelings are normal. And nothing but a live baby in your house will take the anxiety away. When you feel you're in the throws of doubt or guilt, take a step back and try to replace it with thankful. So excited you're on this journey.

hollygandco said...

I think what you're feeling is normal, although I know that doesn't make it any easier. My husband was excited to tell his mom that I was pregnant on mother's day when I was 4.5 weeks along but it quickly escalated to our entire immediate AND extended family knowing. It was hard because they were all so thrilled, assuming that being pregnant was equal to having a baby, but I was so scared still of miscarrying, and couldn't seem to get that across to them. They just acted like I was being silly and ungrateful when I didn't show as much excitement as them. I WAS excited, but I couldn't show it so...exuberantly because of the fear.

It DOES get easier, but waiting for the 2nd trimester is not the best way of finding peace...there's always another milestone that you'll be waiting for then. Once you've hit 2nd tri, you'll just wait for viability, and then 28 weeks when the chance of survival spikes, and then 35 weeks when the lungs are developed. You'll count your whole pregnancy away, waiting for some other milestone. The best way to feel peace about this all and to not fear is to wholly put your trust in God, which I know you're striving to do.

I pray every day for you and your little family, that Heavenly Father will work this miracle in you, and that your baby will be healthy and strong.

Britney said...

Lord Jesus, we come before you and so boldly ask that Hillary and her husband WILL see that beautiful heartbeat this morning. I have chills even thinking about it. I remember how glorious that sound is. Thank you for this miracle of life growing in her, and we pray that this is her take-home baby. We love you, Jesus! AMEN!

ceecee867 said...

10:15 (or 10:45) PST is 12:15 (or 12:45) CST... which is what I am on, sooooo.... I do believe the prayers will be starting here at about 12:00... lol.

Meg said...

Been praying for you since before you were awake this morning!

Carrie said...

AMEN Britney!!

Anonymous said...

Jem - WTF is wrong with you. She can shout it over the loud speakers if she wants to. "I urge you to keep quiet" is not how you share "just" an opinion. This is not a political debate where you are urging her to vote one way or another. THis is HER life that she is choosing to share with all of us. Don't tell her what to do! And one final thought... "And please feel free to do what's right for you"... she doesn't need your permission to do what's right for her!