Friday, October 14, 2011

How I found out I was pregnant

First of all, I just have to give praise and thanks to God. He is the creator of this life, and I am in awe that he would choose to perform this miracle in me. It is funny that for these 3.5 years I have wondered and cried out to God, "How long, O Lord?," but now that it has happened I feel so unworthy and humbled that he would grant my request. The timing of this - especially in relation to our potential adoption situation with K - is difficult to wrap my mind around at the moment, but I praise God for his timing, and trust him with it. May it be for his glory.

So this is the story of how I discovered I am pregnant. Can you believe I typed that?? It is surreal that I have said those words aloud, and that I have prayed for and thought constantly about a life that is growing inside of ME for the last 24 hours.

I haven't been keeping track of my period, monitoring ovulation, or even taking prenatal vitamins. That season of life had just seemed done, and I felt like I had to close one door to feel ready to walk through another. So I can't tell you when my last period was, but I would guess around it was around September 11. The only reason I have a vague sense that it was around this time is I remember that I did count ahead on the calendar and thought, "Shoot! It looks like I might get my next period on the day of my baby shower. Bummer." (ironic, huh?)

My baby shower happened this Saturday without my period's arrival. However, some of you may remember that I am the queen of spotting, and the pre-period spotting occurred in the days leading up to my shower so I thought nothing of the seemingly delayed period. I wasn't really tracking anything, anyway, so I could have just been off in my timing. The week continued on, and the possibility of matching with K became much more real and intense. So much prayer, so many talks, and so many decisions were being made that the week has felt like one of the craziest of our lives.

Wednesday night my husband and I stayed up late outlining all of the possible scenarios - emotionally and financially - about matching with K. We felt a tremendous sense of the Lord's leading to move forward with K. Thursday we talked multiple times throughout the day to check in - do you still feel good about matching with K kind of talks - and we also talked with a few close friends about it. We decided that that night we would write her an email that would most likely lead to a match.

On my way home from work I decided to stop and get a home pregnancy test. I had no reason to think I was actually pregnant other than a "late" period that I couldn't even remember if it was actually late. I really had to pee when I got home, so I raced to the bathroom, unwrapped the test, and went for it. It was so different than all the other times I have ever peed on one of those things because I had no sense of nervous anticipation...I think I just saw it as the responsible thing to do - to double check that I was indeed not pregnant before making this huge step in matching with K. I set it down, washed my hands, and looked over at it, only to discover that I had either used a defective test, or had gotten it too wet. Either way, the liquid that usually moves through the test strip had stopped in a weird place before even getting to where a line would form.

I didn't really care because I didn't expect to be pregnant, so I threw that one away and started drinking water so I could take the second one. I just wanted to get it over with. In the meantime, I sliced some onion, heated oil in a pan, and started sauteing the onion. I then began to feel like I could go pee again, so I turned off the stove, went to the bathroom, and managed to eek out just enough pee to feel pretty certain the test could be accurate. And there, before I could even set the test down, were two lines. I was staring at two lines!!!!!!

Despite the fact that every infertile knows that there are rarely false positives, my first thought was to wonder if it was wrong. But I quickly remembered my training and knew that it most likely had to be true, but I wanted another test ASAP to make sure.

I ran out of the bathroom, grabbed my phone, and called my husband. He later told me his blood ran cold when he heard my voice because I sounded like something was terribly wrong, like I had been in a horrible car accident or something. I just remember that I was practically screaming, "I AM PREGNANT!! I'm not even joking! This is serious! You have to come home right now! Like right now, leave work!" He was clearly stunned, and immediately followed the orders of his nearly hysterical wife to leave work and come home. But then I changed my mind and ordered him to stop at the grocery store across from his work and buy another pregnancy test, despite the fact that I later realized there was no way I would have any pee to use when he got home, anyway. I clearly couldn't think straight.

My husband went to the grocery store, but told me he walked around in a daze not knowing where to even find pregnancy tests. He called to announce his was coming home empty handed, and then I paced throughout the whole house. I was alternating between thanking God, feeling sad about the interrupted adoption plans, and saying, "What the heck?!" in my head over and over. I had so long imagined this joyful, tearful, thankful moment of discovering I am pregnant, but this was a lot different than I had ever imagined!

As soon as he opened the door, my husband and I hugged each other. I showed him the tests, but we didn't even know what to say. Stunned and shocked were pretty much all we could feel. Honestly, I think if you saw us through the window we wouldn't have even looked happy. We were happy, we just couldn't feel or express it yet. We talked about K and adopting, and knew right away this meant we could not match with her at this moment in time. I know some people may consider moving forward with both, but my husband said he had prayed for a sign as we had weighed the match situation, and as we sat there staring at that positive pregnancy test we couldn't help but see that as God closing the door for us. I have MANY more thoughts and emotions about the adoption, but will save that for another post.

Anyway, we decided to throw away the half cooked onions and go out to dinner - there was no way we could do something so mundane as cook dinner in the state we were in. On the way to the Japanese restaurant, we stopped at the drug store and picked up a digital test, and when we got the the restaurant I went straight to the bathroom. And in a thankfully clean but public single toilet bathroom I saw the word "pregnant" pop up.

By the end of the night some of our shock had worn off and the joyful feelings were coming to the surface. We prayed many prayers of thanksgiving and praise in what used to be our nursery prayer room and is now, ironically, already a nursery (how many people have a nursery at 5 weeks pregnant with their first child?). I gave my husband the present I had been saving for him, which, again ironically, I had planned to give him when we "matched" with an expectant mom...which could have been just around the corner - if not that very same night.

Today I had a beta test (I drove down to my RE's!), and my HCG level was 6,000. Wow! I would guess I am around 5 weeks. My first ultrasound is in 10 days, and they said there is no need for another beta to see if it doubles. So far, I do not feel too much anxiety about the pregnancy. Maybe the shock is still protecting me, but for today I just know that this was a gift from the Lord and I am thankful that I am pregnant today. I am having a tiny bit of brown spotting (and have all week), but I am just telling myself that I am a spotter and it doesn't mean anything. Otherwise, I have NO symptoms - nothing happening with the b.oobs, I don't think I am peeing more frequently, my energy level feels normal, and my appetite is normal (other than not being able to eat much due to shock, I think).

Thank you all SO MUCH for you amazing words of congratulations. It was incredibly touching to read through the comments - many of which are from people who have followed my story for a long time - and to see your joy on my behalf. So humbling, too. And to see how many of YOU have prayed for me over the years....you are a part of this miracle, too. What a gift you all have given me through your love, support, and prayers over these past 3 years.

58 comments:

Rachel said...

I've been following your story for pretty much as long as I've been blogging (a year & a half). I've said many prayers for you & your hubby. When I logged into blogger today and saw your Pregnant post I just about fell off the couch! I'm so excited to hear your happy news! And just think, when you have another baby shower in 8ish months you'll be able to say you've been pregnant for both baby showers - (since you were pregnant at this last one) both given under different circumstances - both given for this blessing from above! I can't wait to follow you through this next exciting journey! :)

Ami said...

Hillary, I am still so excited for you. No, not just excited. Beaming, smiling, radiating excited for you. I asked my sister today,

"Do you follow 'Making Me Mom?"
To which she replied, "Yes?"
"SHE'S PREGNANT!!"

She was just as happy for you as I am!" What a fabulous miracle. Can't get enough....enjoy this happy time.

tanyaslifejourney said...

So, so excited for you! Congratulations! :)

Sarah said...

I can't get it over how much of a miracle this is!!!! It's just so wonderful and I am overjoyed for you and your husband :) That's a great beta too! Have you told any friends/family yet?

Anonymous said...

I have followed you for a while now, but never commented. I could not be happier for you and your husband. What an amazing miracle. You are blessed. Congrats!!!

Babylicious said...

I'm so excited for you!!!! What a fabulous surprise :-) I can't wait to follow this new phase in your life.

Leslie said...

This is just the most awesome news ever and I'm so excited for you! Praise be to God :)

Angie said...

Oh my goodness! Congratulations!!!!! Amazing, you are a testement to God's faithfulness!!!

Reading your description of the shock and speechlessness you and your DH experienced brought back memories ~ just feelings that cannot be expressed in words.

Angie said...

Oh my goodness!!!! Congratulations!!! You are a testement to God's faithfulness!!!

Reading your description of you and your husband's shock and speechlessness brought back memories...there are no words to adequately describe that rush of emotions!!!

So happy for you, wishing you the best for the next 9 months!

Linda said...

That is absolutely amazing!!! What a miracle!! Congrats! Congrats! Congrats!!

I have been following your story for years and apologize for never commenting. I have to say that I can TOTALLY relate to how you are feeling right now because last week I too got POSITIVE news!! It was completely out of the blue... no meds, no surgeries, no shots! After 7 years of trying and multiple fertility treatments, we just could NOT believe it! I love reading how you said you were happy, you just couldn't express it yet! That was the same with us! The shock has to wear off first. haha.

So happy for both of us!! Miracles do happen!! Praise God!

cjdubs13 said...

Congratulations! WOW!!! Can't wait to hear how your appointment goes :)

Rach said...

Such an amazing and exciting story! So happy for you!

Marie said...

I kept thinking of you today and almost tearing up. Doug and I are SO FLIPPING HAPPY for you guys. I hope you will have another baby shower to give us an excuse to come to Santa Barbara.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Life Happens said...

I was getting so excited as I read how you found out. What an amazing feeling it must have been (after the shock). You deserve it! God has been on this entire journey all along!

Flutterby918 said...

Ok, I am at home, I can sign into Blogger now. :)
Love this story. It actually reminds me so much of my own. My heart is so full of gladness for you right now. I hope you have a truly happy and healthy 9 months. I cannot wait to follow your PREGNANCY journey!!
xo

Single Mom 2b said...

Amazing! What a blessing!!! I'm thrilled for you!

kkasun said...

Congratulations how wonderful!!! And how ironic that you were pregnant during your baby shower!!

Brenda said...

Hello, I have been reading your blog for a few months, but never commented. Anyways, Congrats to you and your hubby. I am so excited for you.

keepingmyeyesonjesus said...

Wow, Hillary! Congratulations! I always believed miracles still happen today and when we got our miracle I was so hoping that you would get one too! I am absolutely extatic about this news!

I also had some spotting with this pregnancy and all is well - I'm 30 weeks and almost in disbelief to have made it so far! I'm sure you will also be in that situation soon! Because you won't believe how time flies when you're having fun! :)

Christina said...

I am so happy for you. I've been following your journey for about a year, and have always been encouraged by your reliance on our Lord no matter how bleak your circumstances have seemed. When I read your last post, I was so thrilled for you...it was almost like I'd gotten a BFP!! No kidding, it's really made my last two days. It fills me with such hope and such joy. God really does provide!! All the best as you start out on this new leg of your journey. :)

Rachel DeBell said...

6000????? Hillary that is amazing! Yes you must be 5 weeks or more! I am so so excited for you!

Pez said...

So excited for you. Brown spotting in the beginning is pretty normal.
Pez

Melissa G said...

Again, seriously SO beyond thrilled for you. A lot of what you have written here is very much how I felt in the beginning too. The unworthiness and feeling so, SO humbled. It's all so overwhelming.

It's so wonderful to see such an amazing miracle happen to such a deserving couple.

P.S. I didn't have many symptoms at 5 weeks either. Just sore boobs from the copious amounts of progesterone..

Adrianne said...

I am soooooo incredibly happy for you, Hillary! Reading your story made my heart so happy! Your faith is incredible and truly inspiring!

Jem said...

Your post literally took my breath away! I have tears streaming down my face - no, it's not just pregnancy hormones, but pure joy for you!

Oh, Hillary! This is the best news! Congratulations!

Krystal said...

I'm SO happy for you! I always read your blog, but rarely comment. However, I've been following you for quite awhile! I couldn't be happier! Yay!

infertilefollies said...

Hillary that is so amazing!!!
I have been thinking of you these past few days; thank you for the update.

I am just so very happy for you, and I am praying and hoping that you have the best pregnancy ever.

These words from a hymn have meant so much to me since my first loss three years ago, and I am thinking of them so much, especially now:

Praise to the Lord
Who o’er all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires e’er have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

E said...

Praise Be to God!!! Congratulations!!!! How amazing!
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rambler said...

This is amazing news Hillary! So very excited for you and DH. What a strong beta, bodes great things ahead!!

Anonymous said...

I recently started following your blog and was going to email you to say THANK you for sharing your journey as a Christian woman and PRAISE God for your BFP!
We adopted very suddenly after 2 years TTC and it's the biggest blessing/healing/pouring out of His blessings on our lives. He is our deliverer!!!

Andrea said...

OH HILLARY!!!

This is the most AMAZING news that I've heard since I saw a + myself! I can relate to looking at the test in disbelief and what a feeling that is. There is no one who deserves this blessing more than you. My heart is SO FULL!

GOD IS GOOD

As for the brown spotting, take it lightly, as brown blood is old blood and probably from the implantation. Your RE will take good care of you :) Please share a picture or 2 of your growing miracle with all of us. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers...I'm just so excited for you!

Much Love,
Andrea

Emry said...

Oh my goodness, congratulations! I am so beyond happy for you!

Anonymous said...

Overjoyed for you :)
Melissa (Amethystgrrl)

CorinnaVN said...

Dear Hillary and your DH,
I am yet another complete stranger that has been following your blog for the past couple of years. I've only commented once before, but I've laughed, cried, and prayed often while/after reading your entries.
After reading this, I, like a few of your other followers, almost fell off of my chair. WOW! I stand in awe, amazement, and praise for our Maker who has planted this gift within you. I give thanks with you for this unexpected and miraculous child that will be YOURS! I don't even know what to say!!!! God is great!
Welcome to the wonderful journey of PREGNANCY and PARENTHOOD!!!
What joy I will feel to keep following this cyber journey with you!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Amber said...

Wow. I absolutely couldn't be happier for anyone! Reading your story of how you found out takes me back to my own experience and how surreal it all was. It's hard to believe that after such a long struggle that you're baby is coming! I'm so excited to follow this new journey. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm in utter shock. I literally had to set my computer down, take a deep breath and then keep reading. To say I'm excited for you is such a complete understatement. WOW!!!!!!!!!! I've been quietly following your blog for quite some time now and this gives me a renewed sense of hope in my (2.5 years, unexplained) situation and needed encouragement that God really is in control. Wow.

-Rachel

Anonymous said...

WOW. Our God is the giver of life, that we know, now more than ever. Praying for protection for you and your little sweet pea, and for a sweet, precious, worship-full pregnancy. Praise be to God, praise be to God. Hallelujah, praise be to God!!!

Leah said...

It was amazing reading your story. I've followed you for so long, and I couldn't be happier for you. As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but think of my own story, and how it has so many similarities to yours. And now my 15 month old October miracle is sleeping soundly just a few feet away from me. I like you, didn't even know why I tested cause I truly wasn't tracking anymore. It really is amazing! I like you was spotting off and on when I got pregnant but didn't think anything of it cause I always spotted during the luteal phase.

I am so happy for you Hillary, and am praying for your peace as you await your miracle. :)

Leah said...

Oh, and get ready for the, "If you want to get pregnant, just adopt" comment. I've literally heard it a million times, and I have a feeling you may as well. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Hillary,

I don't know if you remember me, but I've been following your journey since you began your blog.

Through all of your ups and downs I've been amazed at how faithful you have been. You're an inspiration to the rest of us who have struggled with faith during infertility.

I too had great difficulty coping with the pain of some of my friend's pregnancies and births. Then after I had my own child I realised that these other babies are now playmates for my own baby, and that pain has turned to thankfulness for these children.

I suspect that God has been using you for his glory all along...

Thank you for inspiring us through your pain and now your JOY!!!!!

Enjoy every minute of this beautiful journey and watching your child (and DH's child) grow inside you.
Your heart's desire to be pregnant will be fulfilled after all.

love to you,
Caroline xx

Momma Wilson said...

Oh my gosh, what an amazing surprise!!! so happy for you and your blessings:)

andreajennine said...

Congrats again! Love this story!

Carrie said...

I loved reading this!!!! I can just picture your disbelief when you saw those two lines!! Your story is so similar to mine. I remmeber running to my husband holding the test saying...no yelling, "There are two lines, there are two lines...there have never been two lines!!!" I just could not be happier for you and your husband!!

Joyce said...

Congrats and praise God!! I can't imagine anyone more deserving of this miracle :)

Katherine said...

Hillary, my heart skipped a beat when I read you post. I have been reading your blog for three years since I also was TTC. I was actually thinking of you tonight as I struggle with my third failed IUI for baby#2. I am so truly happy for you and your husband. Enjoy every minute and we will continue to pray for you.
Congrats
Katherine

Lena said...

hillary,

i've been reading yr blog for almost 1 yr now..and it's really so touching to know that you are pregnant! Although I do not know you personally, but reading thru all yr entries, I feel as though we are trying together in our own ways, to conceive. I'm so happy for you that God has blessed you one, one that you have prayed for, for so long and God is good.

I wish you all the best in your 9 mths of preparation and I'm sure both of you will be very good parents to yr little one!

Whitbit said...

Congratulations! Love seeing miracles :)

A said...

WHAT!!!! I was just getting a chance to check my blogroll, and I cannot believe your awesome news!! Congrats!!! Praise God for this miracle!!!

Tarah said...

I am sitting at my desk, at work, frantically wiping tears. I'm crying with JOY for you! PURE JOY! Thank you for sharing your moment with us in such detail! I'm so beyond thrilled I cannot even express myself with words. I'm sending a huge giant hug through the interwebs for you!

kdactyl said...

I just keep coming back to your blog so I can see the word again..."pregnant"...oh my word...I am sooooo excited for you and loved the story of how you found out. I'm sure there will be a family for that baby you were considering adopting....It may even be that your adoption attorney will develop a good relationship with her and another waiting family will be blessed....you were a good stepping stone for her to get the process rolling.

I am beyond thrilled for you and am so excited to follow you on this new blessed journey.

kd

Britney said...

Just so incredibly happy for you! I have to say, and I say this with a twinge (please don't AT ALL think this diminishes the awesome miracle God is performing in you!), but it does add to the awful cliche so many of us with IF hear that "just start the adoption process, and you'll get pregnant." I'm sure you heard that and it hurt you as much as it hurts all of us who hear it. Obviously, God works in different ways with different people. Getting pregnant was clearly His plan for you all along, and I'm so honored to watch this miracle unfold!

Grace said...

Oh Hillary, i am so overwhelmed with joy for you. I have been praying and i thank God i'm actually reading this. I saw it last week on my mobile but couldn't write a comment then.
I pray for an uneventful pregnancy for you.

Miss Jill and Mister John said...

I am soooo thrilled for you! We will be praying for you and this baby. God bless! Jill

Melis.sa said...

so,SO excited for you guys!! Right after I saw that post I told my husband your story and seriously I was tearing up. It's absolutely incredible and I'm so, so happy for you guys! Fantastic beta!! :D

Sarah said...

He is always faithful...always. To say I am in awe of His amazing work is an understatement. I am so, so beyond thrilled for you. We will continue to pray for you...that you have a healthy and joyful pregnancy...that it is all even better than you imagined. To God be the glory!!!!

jones said...

I am crying tears of happiness for you and your husband. That is one very lucky little baby to have you for a mama. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy. Congratulations -Jones.

Bethany said...

I have been a long time follower of you. I always pop in and think randomly of you. When I just checked this, I cried. I was so happy for you. God bless you, your husband, and this little baby. You guys deserve this so much. I wish you nothing but happiness and I can't wait to see this little precious baby!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hillary,

I am soooooo excited for you! I found your blog about 1.5 years ago when I had been ttc for a while. It gave me such comfort to read your posts and to know that someone out there understood what I was going through. I am blessed that I was finally able to concieve and felt so sad that you weren't able to experience the same. I always thought about that post where you listed all the things you would miss by not being pregnant, especially when you wrote about not being able to pray to your baby with your hands on your belly. I am so elated that you will have that experience!! If you think this feels awesome, just wait for the pure joy you feel when your child is finally placed in your arms. Congrats!! I really can't tell you how happy I am for you!!

Patti (long time lurker :))