Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Big Developments

I don't even really know where to start or how much to say here. I posted last week about a young woman who contacted us who was nine weeks pregnant, and while there were many things that appealed to us the situation, the early nature of her pregnancy and the birth father situation made us put on the breaks.

Well, K (the expectant mother) has been emailing, talking on the phone, and texting with our attorney all week. The birth father situation changed. Our attorney now feels really good about K, and we are all kind of feeling like this might be a unique situation where an early match is not necessarily a bad thing and might be beneficial to K. We are realizing that every adoption situation is completely unique, that it is good to have "deal breakers," but that the right match might look different than expected.

I don't want to go into many details, because ultimately this information belongs to K. We have been praying all week about this, and I feel like I have been trying to push K away in my mind and heart, yet I feel like the path is simply unfolding before us. My husband has been much less nervous about the early match, and feels like God is opening the doors to K and maybe this baby.

Just a couple weeks ago we were talking about how we feel like the Lord has grown in us a desire to really bless a pregnant woman considering adoption. We know there is not really a supply and demand kind of need out there for domestic infant adoption, but we have grown to see that there are needs out there - they are just specific to each individual woman. And we have the potential to help meet a need by loving her. Was that preparation for a match where we know it is a little risky, but the potential to bless K is tremendous?

Risky love is so hard. How do you balance being wise & cautious, yet being willing to step out in love because Christ loved you and did not promise things to be easy?

We are not officially matched - we are hoping to meet within a couple weeks. We talked on the phone last night, and she was a joy to talk to. We will continue talking, meet soon, and go from there.

I alternate every five minutes between excitement and thinking "What are we getting ourselves into??". :)

***

A commenter asked why an early match is not necessarily a good thing. Well, from the prospective adoptive parents side, it is a long time between here and her due date (May 5)...a lot of time for her circumstances to change, to grow attached to the baby, to have another relative step forward to parent, etc. It is risky for us that she will change her mind, and puts a lot of our heart and emotions on the line. It is also fairly industry standard to provide a birth mother with some money for living expenses as needed (agencies often have a "pot" of "birthmother expense" money, but with an attorney we pay it for a specific birth mother), so an early match could mean more expense that is not refundable should she decide to parent. Also, once we match we are committed to her, so that means we will not be shown to other expectant mothers. This is not bad in and of itself, but if she changes her mind later in the pregnancy we may feel like we "lost time" in our adoption journey.

From the expectant mother side, it is also considered better to have her wait to match for her own sake. Waiting would give her time to really weigh her options and grow in certainty of her adoption decision without feeling obligated to prospective adoptive parents that she would disappoint should she realize she wants to parent.

13 comments:

Leah said...

Hillary,
I can't even imagine how excited you feel, and yet, how hesitant at the same time. It is so hard to really put our hearts out there, when it could so easily backfire. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and I hope peace comes over you whatever happens.

Sarah said...

I can't help but feel excitement for you and your husband :) Maybe God is working overtime on this one to bless all of you.

Betty Rubble said...

Im excited for you! Just remember that its risky whenever you venture into adoption, but when you hold that baby all that risk is worth it!!!

Anonymous said...

You seem to have a good handle on this... and why close a door that has been opened? Proceed with love and caution, I am praying for all involved. Jenna

andreajennine said...

Wow! Praying...

Rach said...

Glad to hear things are unfolding before you! Very exciting.

sara said...

um..speechless....praying and excited and cautious and praying ... may god guide your path and make it abundantly clear to you and the dh and to K ... oh much love friend!! so sad i missed the baby shower. so sad..we must celebrate when i get home!!

Britney said...

I have chills. I love to God work out the extraordinary details of our lives.

Missy said...

Wow, terrific news! I can totally relate to the feeling of going between excitement and what the heck are we doing?

Melody said...

Oh wow, this is an exciting development. Praying. Risky love...yes, that's what it is but I love how you are approaching this. Praying.

Lindsey said...

Sounds SUPER exciting! I think it is SO great that you guys are wanting to share love with the birthmother as well. I am praying for you! God is working!

Tarah said...

What a mixed emotional upheaval! I hope the doors open wide for you guys to welcome a baby into your arms, homes and hearts.

Jen said...

Praying for you!!