Friday, October 28, 2011

Heart beat!!!

We are rejoicing and praising God that he has continued to grow this baby! We saw and heard the amazing sound of our baby's heart beat flickering away at 153 beats per minutes. The baby measured at 11.2mm which is 7 weeks 2 days.

Here is a not so great picture of a picture (I will have to scan it when I get home):

As I laid on the table my husband held my hand and I squeezed his so tightly. Almost immediately after the RE started the ultrasound he said, "I have some nice news for you," and I was SO thankful he let us know so quickly. I started crying, and he showed us what he was seeing and pointed out the heart beat. He even told me to get my iPhone out and film while he turned the audio on to hear the heart beat! My husband got teary eyed, too.

I am just over the moon happy and so, so thankful to God. Wow. There is a baby with a heart beat inside of me.

My estimated due date is June 16 - two days before our 7th anniversary. :)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Spreading the news

I have moments where I feel so much peace about this pregnancy. In those moments, I actually enjoy the fact there is nothing I can do - God will either continue to grow this baby or not. I also think about what a sheer and utter miracle this pregnancy is and feel God's blessings on it. (I updated this blog with pregnancy info during one of this days, but regretted it the next day). Admittedly, these moments usually correlate with "feeling" pregnant, which I know is not something I should set my hope on.

There are other days and moments that I question this pregnancy. Again, admittedly, this is often when I don't "feel" pregnant. When fear grips me and I try to pray and seek God's peace but it feels elusive. I know God does not want me to fear or worry, and I think about this and it makes me worry even more. I also think about how my stress might be negatively effecting the baby and I worry even more. I think this is an area the Lord still has much refining work to do in me!

We have told a small number of people about the pregnancy, although it is more people than I would have liked. We told our parents and brothers the night we found out, which was actually very exciting and I am happy we did. I wasn't feeling anxious then. :) I called my grandma the next morning, and she was so happy she cried! :)

The night we found out we decided we would only tell a very small, select few family and friends about the pregnancy. I called my best friend who lives in St. Louis, and also told a friend who I was having lunch with the next day. She is a close friend, and there was NO way I could have a normal lunch after all that had happened in the last 24 hours. We told some close friends who had offered to let K stay in their house because they were asking for updates about that situation. And then I thought we were done telling people.

The very next day my husband came home from work and told me not to be mad, but he had told his 5 person team at work. What?! But I justified it that he was excited AND I rarely if ever see those people. I feel like we have had the, "Don't be mad, but I told x" conversation a few times in the last couple weeks, but I can't grudge him his excitement and they are HIS friends.

Since then I have told a couple more people, too, but it has been a lot more difficult for me. I know I didn't have to tell them, but for various reasons I just decided to do it. However, in the process of telling them I have felt like my anxiety increased - like saying the words "I am pregnant" out loud has made my fear increase because what if I am no longer pregnant? Part of me wants to shout it off the roof tops, but another part of me is so scared that I just can't even look happy when I tell people.

Tomorrow feels like The Big Day - will there be a heart beat? I ask God this all day. I know so many of you shared that you did not feel pregnant - thank you! - but it is still hard because I don't feel pregnant, and I have felt less pregnant the last couple days than the little I did before.

Carrie, my appointment is at 10:15am PST tomorrow - thank you for offering to pray! Thank you to all of you for your prayers and support!

Monday, October 24, 2011

{6 weeks 3 days}

The days are continuing to move very slowly. I thank God constantly throughout the day for this life inside of me, and ask that he or she would continue to grow and thrive. My anxiety has waned now that the spotting has stopped (yay progesterone!), although I know it is there but hidden more below the surface. I cried off and on through church yesterday as I sought to entrust this child to the Lord.

I want to remember this time of my life. Despite the anxiety and temptation to worry and fear, I want to relish in the fact that I AM PREGNANT. So here are a few items about this early pregnancy stage:

*I have had a few very mild symptoms. Fatigue set in during the middle of last week, and yesterday I took an hour and a half nap (and could have slept longer). Although sometimes I wonder if it is just the high stress we have been experiencing the last few weeks that has caught up to me?

*I may have felt the teensy-tiniest bit of "morning sickness" today and a couple days ago. Again I wonder if it is nerves/ stress/ I want to feel symptoms since it is so mild and inconsistent - who knows. I wouldn't even call it nausea, just a general yucky feeling that feels better when I eat.

*My mom and paternal grandma told me they never had much sickness in the first trimester - maybe I inherited those genes?!

*My appetite is normal and food is still enjoyable to me. However, I don't feel like eating much - I feel "full" after only half a serving.

*I have been waking up between 5-6am most days. Usually I am able to go back to sleep, but I never used to do that. This is another one that I question if it is pregnancy or anxiety.

*I feel bloated, especially at the end of the day. I don't even know how to describe this, but my abdomen feels weirdly distended/ full when I lay on my side at night. Obviously there is no "belly" but it feels like gravity is pulling on it or something.

*I had an optical migraine on Thursday night. I usually get those a couple times per year so I am not sure if this one was triggered by pregnancy or not. (it is the flashing lights in my vision but no migraine headache)

*I love progesterone and am so happy it stopped my spotting. I know it wouldn't prevent a miscarriage, but not seeing and feeling the spotting constantly has eased my nerves.

*My b.reasts really aren't too sore. I notice a tiny bit of tenderness when I wake up in the morning, but I think wearing a bra all day keeps them comfortable. They have felt a little fuller the last couple days, but maybe that is from the progesterone?

The next ultrasound is this Friday, and we are praying there will be a heart beat. Taking one day at a time...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

One week

It has been one week since I found out I am pregnant. It feels like so much has happened in this week and our heads are still spinning. My husband has been going for two jogs a day, experiencing insomnia, and walking around with a quite a grin on his face. I have been praying like crazy for this little one, and seeking to trust God with whatever he has ahead for him or her.

One week. It feels like time is moving in slow motion. How can I make it through another week? Will the end of the first trimester ever arrive?

To answer a few questions from my last post....The RE said he can't determine exactly how far along I am or give me a due date until there is a heart beat. But based on my LMP that I am guessing is pretty accurate, I was 5 weeks 5 days yesterday (so I will be 6 weeks tomorrow). I will go in for another ultrasound on Friday, October 28 (should be 7 weeks) and am praying there is a heart beat!!

To the commenter who suggested that I am farther along then 5 weeks 5 days based on my high HCG level last Friday (6,000 at 5 weeks), that I should have seen a heart beat by now, and therefore things don't bode well for my pregnancy....well, I have a few things to say to that. First of all, I don't know what your warning was intended to do? Make me "prepared" for a miscarriage? Because, really, how can I be? All I can do is take each day at a time, trust God, and hope that this pregnancy is viable! Secondly, you are basing that on your own experience, but HCG levels can vary greatly. According to The American Pregnancy Association website, HCG levels for 5 weeks of pregnancy can range between 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml. Their website also says, "The hCG levels should not be used to date a pregnancy since these numbers can vary so widely." Also, according to the Beta Base website, at 21 DPO (which is where I would guess that I was on beta day), women have reported betas ranging from 41 to 21,000, with the median 1,248. So, yes, my HCG levels were high. Yes, I have thought about the fact that maybe what I remember about my last cycle is incorrect, I am further along, and yesterday's ultrasound was a problem. But I can't ignore the fact that an HCG of 6,000 could be normal at 5 weeks (give or take a day), that I do have a pretty decent guess about when my last period was, that a gestational sac and yolk sac are normal milestones for 5 weeks and 5 days, and this pregnancy could still be viable.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

We saw our baby!

So far, so good! We saw an 11mm gestational sac today with a yolk sac. There was no fetal pole or heart beat but it is probably still too early. I am feeling a bit of relief. :)

Also, my RE is letting me take progesterone if it makes me sleep better at night. :) Thank you SO much for all of your words of encouragement over the last couple of days. Hearing your many spotting stories really did help, and you offered wonderful advice and scripture to encourage my heart. I put this verse as the background on my phone so I could read it whenever I get anxious:

Monday, October 17, 2011


As my husband and I attempted to wade through the shock and process the news of my pregnancy on Thursday night, I realized that I had such a long road ahead of me. Yes, the goal was always to get pregnant....but the real goal is to have a take-home baby. And just because I am pregnant does not mean God would give us a take-home baby.

I thought I had left the fear and sadness of infertility behind. Yes, the adoption journey had already been stressful and I probably would have shed some tears along the way. But I had hoped that there would be no more of the heart-wrenching, grief filled sobs that had marked different points of our infertility journey. Adoption offered so much hope with less month-to-month or day-to-day anxiety. As painful as it was for me to close the door to fertility treatments - and in my mind a pregnancy - these emotions were the things that were easy to leave behind.

But as I sat there holding the positive pregnancy test, I knew the door had opened again. A door that will hopefully lead to our baby - who happens to be biological - but could lead to more intense suffering. And for one split second, I almost didn't want it. How could I handle losing this baby? Of course, of course, the JOY and HOPE quickly pushed that thought aside, and I know the risk of pain is worth it for the possibility that lies ahead. I am so incredibly thankful for this baby.

But it is hard to feel so raw again, friends. I haven't felt this raw in some months, and my heart feels so fragile right now.

As I mentioned before, I had spotted during the time before my period was due, and continued to lightly spot in the days before I took the home pregnancy test. Since I had already been spotting and my HCG levels were so good, I tried to just tell myself that I am a spotter and there's no way around it. And, of course, you can google and find that 30% of women spot during the first trimester. And it can be completely normal. (However, I feel like when I find things about spotting it is people saying it was simply when they wiped...or a few times and then it went away...but not for days and needing a panty liner!)

But I have been unsuccessful in convincing myself, and I feel like the spotting increased yesterday and today. It is still brown, it is still light (I only need a panty liner), and there is no cramping - but it is still there and feels worse. I have moments where I remember that God created this life so miraculously, that he can certainly sustain it. I have moments when I pray to God and know that there is nothing I can do but trust him. But I also know very well that God works in many mysterious - and sometimes difficult - ways.

I called the RE's office this afternoon on the verge of a meltdown. I knew they would tell me it's normal and I almost didn't want to call and hear them say that, but I wanted to beg for some prometrium. (Ironically, my husband had pulled out my old bottle of prometrium pills only a few weeks ago, asked if I still needed it, I said no, and he threw it away.) My progesterone level was really good on Friday, but the ONLY times in my cycle that I have not spotted were while I was on some form of progesterone (I have spotted before even when my progesterone levels were fine). I know that it won't necessarily prevent a miscarriage, but I think if I can take it and it does stop the spotting, it will save my sanity. It will be a long seven weeks ahead regardless, but I almost don't know how I will survive those seven weeks if I spot constantly.

I left a message for the nurse, but my RE ended up calling back. He assured me that brown spotting is normal and everything is most likely ok, but offered to have me come in sooner for an ultrasound to make sure. And if I really want the prometrium he will prescribe it. :) So my ultrasound is now going to be on Wednesday morning.

That phone call from the RE bought me at least a few hours of calm, I think. I know in my head that this baby is the Lord's and he numbers his or her days - whether that be just a few or an earthly lifetime - and all I can do is trust him. But my heart is so tempted to fear.

Friday, October 14, 2011

How I found out I was pregnant

First of all, I just have to give praise and thanks to God. He is the creator of this life, and I am in awe that he would choose to perform this miracle in me. It is funny that for these 3.5 years I have wondered and cried out to God, "How long, O Lord?," but now that it has happened I feel so unworthy and humbled that he would grant my request. The timing of this - especially in relation to our potential adoption situation with K - is difficult to wrap my mind around at the moment, but I praise God for his timing, and trust him with it. May it be for his glory.

So this is the story of how I discovered I am pregnant. Can you believe I typed that?? It is surreal that I have said those words aloud, and that I have prayed for and thought constantly about a life that is growing inside of ME for the last 24 hours.

I haven't been keeping track of my period, monitoring ovulation, or even taking prenatal vitamins. That season of life had just seemed done, and I felt like I had to close one door to feel ready to walk through another. So I can't tell you when my last period was, but I would guess around it was around September 11. The only reason I have a vague sense that it was around this time is I remember that I did count ahead on the calendar and thought, "Shoot! It looks like I might get my next period on the day of my baby shower. Bummer." (ironic, huh?)

My baby shower happened this Saturday without my period's arrival. However, some of you may remember that I am the queen of spotting, and the pre-period spotting occurred in the days leading up to my shower so I thought nothing of the seemingly delayed period. I wasn't really tracking anything, anyway, so I could have just been off in my timing. The week continued on, and the possibility of matching with K became much more real and intense. So much prayer, so many talks, and so many decisions were being made that the week has felt like one of the craziest of our lives.

Wednesday night my husband and I stayed up late outlining all of the possible scenarios - emotionally and financially - about matching with K. We felt a tremendous sense of the Lord's leading to move forward with K. Thursday we talked multiple times throughout the day to check in - do you still feel good about matching with K kind of talks - and we also talked with a few close friends about it. We decided that that night we would write her an email that would most likely lead to a match.

On my way home from work I decided to stop and get a home pregnancy test. I had no reason to think I was actually pregnant other than a "late" period that I couldn't even remember if it was actually late. I really had to pee when I got home, so I raced to the bathroom, unwrapped the test, and went for it. It was so different than all the other times I have ever peed on one of those things because I had no sense of nervous anticipation...I think I just saw it as the responsible thing to do - to double check that I was indeed not pregnant before making this huge step in matching with K. I set it down, washed my hands, and looked over at it, only to discover that I had either used a defective test, or had gotten it too wet. Either way, the liquid that usually moves through the test strip had stopped in a weird place before even getting to where a line would form.

I didn't really care because I didn't expect to be pregnant, so I threw that one away and started drinking water so I could take the second one. I just wanted to get it over with. In the meantime, I sliced some onion, heated oil in a pan, and started sauteing the onion. I then began to feel like I could go pee again, so I turned off the stove, went to the bathroom, and managed to eek out just enough pee to feel pretty certain the test could be accurate. And there, before I could even set the test down, were two lines. I was staring at two lines!!!!!!

Despite the fact that every infertile knows that there are rarely false positives, my first thought was to wonder if it was wrong. But I quickly remembered my training and knew that it most likely had to be true, but I wanted another test ASAP to make sure.

I ran out of the bathroom, grabbed my phone, and called my husband. He later told me his blood ran cold when he heard my voice because I sounded like something was terribly wrong, like I had been in a horrible car accident or something. I just remember that I was practically screaming, "I AM PREGNANT!! I'm not even joking! This is serious! You have to come home right now! Like right now, leave work!" He was clearly stunned, and immediately followed the orders of his nearly hysterical wife to leave work and come home. But then I changed my mind and ordered him to stop at the grocery store across from his work and buy another pregnancy test, despite the fact that I later realized there was no way I would have any pee to use when he got home, anyway. I clearly couldn't think straight.

My husband went to the grocery store, but told me he walked around in a daze not knowing where to even find pregnancy tests. He called to announce his was coming home empty handed, and then I paced throughout the whole house. I was alternating between thanking God, feeling sad about the interrupted adoption plans, and saying, "What the heck?!" in my head over and over. I had so long imagined this joyful, tearful, thankful moment of discovering I am pregnant, but this was a lot different than I had ever imagined!

As soon as he opened the door, my husband and I hugged each other. I showed him the tests, but we didn't even know what to say. Stunned and shocked were pretty much all we could feel. Honestly, I think if you saw us through the window we wouldn't have even looked happy. We were happy, we just couldn't feel or express it yet. We talked about K and adopting, and knew right away this meant we could not match with her at this moment in time. I know some people may consider moving forward with both, but my husband said he had prayed for a sign as we had weighed the match situation, and as we sat there staring at that positive pregnancy test we couldn't help but see that as God closing the door for us. I have MANY more thoughts and emotions about the adoption, but will save that for another post.

Anyway, we decided to throw away the half cooked onions and go out to dinner - there was no way we could do something so mundane as cook dinner in the state we were in. On the way to the Japanese restaurant, we stopped at the drug store and picked up a digital test, and when we got the the restaurant I went straight to the bathroom. And in a thankfully clean but public single toilet bathroom I saw the word "pregnant" pop up.

By the end of the night some of our shock had worn off and the joyful feelings were coming to the surface. We prayed many prayers of thanksgiving and praise in what used to be our nursery prayer room and is now, ironically, already a nursery (how many people have a nursery at 5 weeks pregnant with their first child?). I gave my husband the present I had been saving for him, which, again ironically, I had planned to give him when we "matched" with an expectant mom...which could have been just around the corner - if not that very same night.

Today I had a beta test (I drove down to my RE's!), and my HCG level was 6,000. Wow! I would guess I am around 5 weeks. My first ultrasound is in 10 days, and they said there is no need for another beta to see if it doubles. So far, I do not feel too much anxiety about the pregnancy. Maybe the shock is still protecting me, but for today I just know that this was a gift from the Lord and I am thankful that I am pregnant today. I am having a tiny bit of brown spotting (and have all week), but I am just telling myself that I am a spotter and it doesn't mean anything. Otherwise, I have NO symptoms - nothing happening with the b.oobs, I don't think I am peeing more frequently, my energy level feels normal, and my appetite is normal (other than not being able to eat much due to shock, I think).

Thank you all SO MUCH for you amazing words of congratulations. It was incredibly touching to read through the comments - many of which are from people who have followed my story for a long time - and to see your joy on my behalf. So humbling, too. And to see how many of YOU have prayed for me over the are a part of this miracle, too. What a gift you all have given me through your love, support, and prayers over these past 3 years.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


On the very same day we were about to match with K, I saw this:

And then this:

We are in complete and utter shock. Thankful for this miracle, but so shocked we can't even feel much of anything but shock right now. What a miracle, thank you God.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Big Developments

I don't even really know where to start or how much to say here. I posted last week about a young woman who contacted us who was nine weeks pregnant, and while there were many things that appealed to us the situation, the early nature of her pregnancy and the birth father situation made us put on the breaks.

Well, K (the expectant mother) has been emailing, talking on the phone, and texting with our attorney all week. The birth father situation changed. Our attorney now feels really good about K, and we are all kind of feeling like this might be a unique situation where an early match is not necessarily a bad thing and might be beneficial to K. We are realizing that every adoption situation is completely unique, that it is good to have "deal breakers," but that the right match might look different than expected.

I don't want to go into many details, because ultimately this information belongs to K. We have been praying all week about this, and I feel like I have been trying to push K away in my mind and heart, yet I feel like the path is simply unfolding before us. My husband has been much less nervous about the early match, and feels like God is opening the doors to K and maybe this baby.

Just a couple weeks ago we were talking about how we feel like the Lord has grown in us a desire to really bless a pregnant woman considering adoption. We know there is not really a supply and demand kind of need out there for domestic infant adoption, but we have grown to see that there are needs out there - they are just specific to each individual woman. And we have the potential to help meet a need by loving her. Was that preparation for a match where we know it is a little risky, but the potential to bless K is tremendous?

Risky love is so hard. How do you balance being wise & cautious, yet being willing to step out in love because Christ loved you and did not promise things to be easy?

We are not officially matched - we are hoping to meet within a couple weeks. We talked on the phone last night, and she was a joy to talk to. We will continue talking, meet soon, and go from there.

I alternate every five minutes between excitement and thinking "What are we getting ourselves into??". :)


A commenter asked why an early match is not necessarily a good thing. Well, from the prospective adoptive parents side, it is a long time between here and her due date (May 5)...a lot of time for her circumstances to change, to grow attached to the baby, to have another relative step forward to parent, etc. It is risky for us that she will change her mind, and puts a lot of our heart and emotions on the line. It is also fairly industry standard to provide a birth mother with some money for living expenses as needed (agencies often have a "pot" of "birthmother expense" money, but with an attorney we pay it for a specific birth mother), so an early match could mean more expense that is not refundable should she decide to parent. Also, once we match we are committed to her, so that means we will not be shown to other expectant mothers. This is not bad in and of itself, but if she changes her mind later in the pregnancy we may feel like we "lost time" in our adoption journey.

From the expectant mother side, it is also considered better to have her wait to match for her own sake. Waiting would give her time to really weigh her options and grow in certainty of her adoption decision without feeling obligated to prospective adoptive parents that she would disappoint should she realize she wants to parent.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Yesterday was my wonderful, beautiful, fun, amazing, and joyful baby shower!! I loved every minute of it and feel incredibly blessed that so many family and friends were there to celebrate with me. Here are some pictures!

This was the welcome table. Each guest was asked to write a note on the back of one of the flags. My friend is going to sew the flags together to make a bunting for our nursery (the bunting itself was inspired by this).

The decoration theme was autumn since the hostesses and I LOVE the fall :)

Doesn't this food look amazing?! It tasted as good as it looked!

The onesie garland was part of my gift! I now have baby clothes!

These framed illustrations from children's stories were created by a friend for the one game we played. We were divided into small groups, and each group had one of the pictures. We also had a sheet with questions about the story, ranging from what story is this to list as many things that the caterpillar ate as you can. We then passed the pictures and each group answered questions about all the stories. It was a really fun game, and I got to take the framed illustrations home to use as nursery wall art!

A diaper cake and me opening presents in the background (the blurry picture of me is the best I can do on an anonymous blog :).

I am still in quite a bit of shock that I - infertile little ol' me - just had a baby shower. It was such a joyful day and I am so thankful I got to celebrate the baby that will be with so many loved ones. And I spent today washing, folding, organizing, and putting everything away in the nursery. I have never had so much fun doing laundry in my life! :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

A small update

The expectant mother I mentioned in the last post has been emailing with our attorney. I was happy to get an update last night, since I had started to assume that she simply hadn't responded.

However, due to how early she is in her pregnancy and the situation with the birth father, our attorney has advised us that it may not be a good match for us. We agree with this, but I think we also feel like it is not a door that is closed all the way. If we got more information and time passed, perhaps it could be opened again, but we are a little relieved to just think of it as a "no" for now.

One neat part of the last few days was just how interested my husband was in all the specifics! I think he re-read the email exchanges more times than I did, and was bringing it up in our conversations all the time! I think hearing about a real woman and baby made it more tangible to both of us, and we have enjoyed praying for this woman, baby, and our adoption (whoever that may be) with more fervor than before.

Monday, October 3, 2011

An email

Yesterday was a busy day: church at 9:00, Youth Group at 11:00, a friend's birthday lunch at 12:30, meeting with a student at 3:00, and dinner with a friend at 6:00. Whew. In the midst of all of that, we managed to come home mid-afternoon. A friend had made curtains for our closet in the nursery and gave them to me yesterday, and I happily hung them up. While in the nursery, I decided to check my email on my phone, and was surprised with an email from an expectant mother considering adoption. My heart immediately started beating fast, and I was excited that as I read the email she sounded like a real person. (We have gotten a few emails so far, but they all were very clearly not "real" or scams or something, so I deleted those right away.) She had seen our profile online.

However, my heart sank when she said she is only 9 weeks pregnant. On a purely emotional level, that due date just feels SO far away right now. On a practical/ cautious level, that is a long time for her to weigh her options, decide to parent, etc (rightfully so), as well as a long time to potentially need money for expenses. 
My husband and I then did some intense googling. We had her name and the state she lived in, and found some things on the internet that looked like she was indeed a real person. It's amazing what you can find on the internet. We talked, talked, and talked. We had hardly any information, but we still managed to talk about this possibility off and on for the entire day. What was her situation? What were we comfortable with? What should we email back?
We forwarded the email to our lawyer, and asked what she thought. The expectant mother had said in her email to us that she had also contacted our attorney, so we asked our lawyer if she had indeed been contacted (she had). We replied to her email with something that we hoped was simple, brief, kind, and non-committal, and said we are glad she contacted our lawyer and that we will let her guide all of us on the next steps from here.
After praying and talking through the situation, my husband I decided a few things. These are based on the small amount of information we have at the moment, and if our attorney finds out more, things could change one way or the other. We may never hear from her again. Or there may be things that come up that are deal breakers for us - drug or alcohol use, financial needs, etc.
But, for now, we decided we are not comfortable "matching" with her until she is further along in her pregnancy (24 weeks seems acceptable in my mind. Maybe 20 at minimum?). I don't expect her to "wait" for us, but if other things fall into place like it could be a good match, maybe she would. But maybe it just also means she is not the right match for us. We also decided that her financial needs will be an important factor in our comfort level with this particular situation.
Our attorney emailed her this morning, and also asked if she could call her. We are waiting to hear if she responds and what new information our attorney has if she does. I have been praying for this woman and her baby.
Any advice on a possible situation this early in the pregnancy?
PS - I almost feel silly for even writing about it, because we may never hear anything from her is FAR from a real match. But it's been a big development on our adoption journey, and will be a learning experience one way or another...
ETA - If you know me in real life, please don't say anything! We don't want to broadcast every small possibility that is out there :)