Friday, September 30, 2011


If I had conceived during our last IVF cycle, I would have been due in January.

Ironically, I know at least five pregnant women all due in January, including one of my close friends whose pregnancy has been a struggle for me. I feel like I internally cringe every time I see her expanding belly.

Another one just joined our weekly Bible study. She is pregnant with her fourth child, so although she is only about five months along her belly is quite large. She and her husband are part of the prayer teams and church, and have been some of the people who have thoughtfully prayed for us in the midst of infertility. They try to be sensitive to us, but having a pregnant couple in the group has been challenging. People are so drawn to pregnant women, you know? Everybody has questions and wants to hear about ultrasounds, genders, and the aches and pains. Everyone moves to offer her a seat, and comments about her cute belly. And I sit there, also "expecting," but feeling unnoticed. There's not much to talk about with the adoption, and when people ask all I can offer is "We're still waiting." Not nearly as interesting as "We felt the baby kick!"

I know a part of all of this is that I just want attention, which I hate to admit. But the larger part is simply that it is still painful to see these pregnant women and still long for that. I wanted that belly, not simply for the attention, but for the experience. I overheard the woman pregnant with her fourth comment to somebody else in the group that she wanted to cherish this pregnancy since it is her last....but I can only dream of what it is about pregnancy that there is to cherish.

That is the pain that still lingers in my heart. Many, many days pass now without much grief, and I am truly experiencing much joy in preparing for our little one through adoption. I trust that God has a plan for us in this, and believe that once I hold my child I wouldn't trade that child for any pregnancy in the world. I just want that day to hurry up and come. :)

Because of all this, I have inadvertently set my hopes on having a match by January. I didn't want to do this, because picking dates is impossible and I am probably setting myself up for disappointment. But the more I interact with these pregnant women due in January, I can't help but think "I want my baby by January, too!" And then I quickly force myself to change that from "want my baby by January" to "matched with a baby by January" because I am getting WAY ahead of myself.

(But if I am really honest I want to have my baby by January...)


Anonymous said...

We had exactly 8 weeks and 2 days to prepare and plan for our little guy-and believe me you are so right once you hold YOUR BABY in your arms the lack of a pregnancy ceases to matter.

I wish you much continued joy as you prepare for your new arrival. May your wait be a short one!

Rach said...

We got Ava exactly at the time we would of been due if we had our 2nd IVF (if my husband had not been laid off).

I hope yours come in January!!

Hillary said...

Our daughter was born 40 weeks and 1 day after the day we made the decision to adopt. It all happens in God's perfect planning.

kkasun said...

That must be a very hard but it sounds like you were doing a great job of seeing the big picture. And I agree once you have your baby you wouldn't trade him or her for any pregnancy.
I'm thinking of you and hope that you hear more about your adoption soon.

Anonymous said...

You should know that you are not the only one hurting. It is hard to be the "pregnant one" around the "not able to get pregnant one".
I too had to go through fertility to get pregnant and CHERISH the 2 blessings God gave us. In being pregnant though I would feel horrible guilt and discomfort being around "not able to get pregnant" women.
It is hard to be in that place because then you feel like you are letting your unborn child down....just a vicious cycle. I have been on both sides of it. Both sides are hard. Most of my bitterness came though from the looks i'd get from women that were not pregnant when they'd see I was pregnant. Made me feel no joy for them when they finally did get a child cause I felt they robbed me of that joy.

Maybe this will help you feel some compassion and Joy for your pregnant friends. Maybe this will just tick you off. I am hoping it will help you.

Valerie said...

"I trust that God has a plan for us in this, and believe that once I hold my child I wouldn't trade that child for any pregnancy in the world."

This is so right. You'll be so happy once your baby is in your arms! You'll forget about all the pregnancies around you. We had 3 weeks to prepare before our son was born. And now life has never been more precious...

Hope it'll happen to you soon! said...

I so look forward to the day you and your husband hold your child. Praying it happens even before January ;)

Kellie said...

I recently found your blog again after a long time of not reading it. I wanted to reach out to you now because I have started blogging again, and yours was one of the blogs that I felt connected to.

My husband had the same issue as yours, and he had two corrective surgeries, neither of which improved anything. I remember reading your blog and seeing that your husband had a SA after his surgery and the results were a lot better, and feeling like I had to stop reading because I couldn't bear to think the surgery worked for him, and didn't work for us, TWICE.

We let go of that journey and moved toward adoption. We brought home our son in February of 2010. I recently found your blog again through another blogger and was sad to see that you were going through your last IVF. I was so hopeful for you. Because deep inside, I had hoped it would work for you since we never pursued treatment beyond a natural IUI. I had wondered if IVF would have worked for us.

I know it's taken you a lot to get through all that. I went through some deep, dark times too. We recently went active for #2 but I am totally still so in love with my #1. When it happens for you, it will be more than you can ever imagine. I just wrote about this on my blog today

Don't ever give up hope and I do hope you have that baby by January.

I also saw somewhere that you are in South California. I am from San Diego but no longer live there, but I go back often to visit all my family who is still in the area. Let's have a playdate someday with our little ones, deal?? :)

If you want to email me, you can at I am here to support you through this!

Rosie said...

I've been thinking of you and waiting for the big announcement that you have been matched. You are so honest in your blogs and I really appreciate that. I feel those things about my pregnant friends and acquaintances as well. I long for the fun and excitement (and attention) that goes along with a pregnancy as well. I compare our situation to that of our single friends that want to be married. I feel for them but I have no idea what they are going through. If it is anything like we feel about having a child, I feel for them. It's like a big party where everyone is invited except for you. Keep the faith, I'm praying for you guys.

Missy said...

I hear you. Can you find ways to give updates on things you are doing to prepare so you have something to say? Hey, we just bought the cutest xyz, or well we are preparing and just spent the day at BRU. Or whatever, as a gentle reminder that you are expecting as well and it gives them something concrete to share the excitement with you. These are people who care about you, so they want to be excited, but it is hard to do so when it is still a bit abstract for them.

cjdubs13 said...

I had my heart set on having our baby by the fall and when we didn't I was crushed. I changed it to by the end of the calendar year...2010. As the time got closer and closer I had to stop thinking that. Once I stopped and let my mind be open we got our match and and our little on in our arms 11/10/10. Sending you many thoughts and prayers that you have your little one soon!!

Jessica said...

If our last IVF had worked we would have had a baby in April 2011. After that failed IVF, April still lingered in my head. We were matched with our adorable baby boy in late March. Take it as a sign. There is a reason that January sticks out in your mind. Good Luck.

RMCarter said...

I pray that you get your sweet baby by January. I think that is a righteous desire and I hope that is God's plan for you. I know you'll make an amazing mother and when you see your baby for the first time, everything will fall into place. My mom talks all the time about the first time she saw me in the hospital (I am adopted myself). I turned my head and looked right at her as if to say, "There you are, mom. I've been waiting for you."

To the previous poster who said it is just as hard on the pregnant one, I disagree. I, too, have been on both sides. I tried to get pregnant for 7 years and when I did, I had several friends still waiting. Yes, it was uncomfortable sometimes to be around those who couldn't get pregnant, but it was nothing compared to the agony I felt on the other side. There has not been a time when I haven't 100% completely relished the joy of watching a person who struggled with infertility begin their family, whether through adoption or pregnancy, whether it was before I got my miracle or after. It makes me sad that you saw others heartache as "robbing you of your joy" and I hope that feeling fades over time. It is so much sweeter to rejoice with others, even when their pain was too great to rejoice with you in the past. We are all fighting the same battle. We are all on the same team.