Monday, June 6, 2011

Moving fast

As I mentioned before, I've really jumped in with both feet and have been plowing through adoption books, websites, and web forums for the last week or so.

While we were still pursuing infertility treatments, I would watch other blog friends end their treatments and decide to move forward with adoption. I would see their sadness over of their last failed cycle one week, and then it seemed like a brief amount of time passed before they were posting about their excitement to move forward with adoption. This always confused me - how in the world did they come to that place of peace, excitement, and hope?! From where I sat then, I felt so far from that.

And yet, here I sit, only a little over a month after finishing treatments feeling very ready to pursue adoption. In fact, this weekend I told my husband I was getting excited about adoption! Through this, I have realized two things about myself, and probably about many of you who I have watched go through a similar process:

1. I did not start the grieving process only a month ago - I have been grieving this possibility for over two years. Thus, I am not moving on "fast" despite the fact that sometimes it seems to me like I must be. But when I add in the cumulative amount of grieving time, I can see what a process the grief has been over each failed cycle, failed treatment, and prayer to God. He has been holding me in my grief, guiding me, and preparing me.

2. Once there was finality in being finished with fertility treatments, I felt like the door opened for another path in my heart. It took the finality of one door closing for the other door to burst open. And I have realized as I step inside that door, that there is hope and excitement on this path, too. It feels amazing to have renewed hope, when the infertility road had diminishing hope as I walked further and further, until there was none left. But now I get to step onto a path that there has MORE hope the further I walk. It is like a breath of fresh air.

So for those of you still in the trenches of infertility who are like I was, this is how one can "move on" to adoption so quickly - or at least how I could. Each person and their grief are so different, and I know others were able to pursue infertility treatments and adoption simultaneously, while others needed years to grieve. I'm still grieving, but the hope part is so much more fun that I am ready to move over there.

14 comments:

RMCarter said...

Love this. LOVE this! I am so glad you are finding that hope. Hope is everything.

A said...

I am SO glad you are feeling hopeful!! God is certainly working in your life and in your heart, and I am excited to see what He has in store!!!

Melody said...

What a great place to be. I am so happy for you and know you will be led clearly by the hand of God to the agency, the child and the birthmother/couple that He already knows about.

andreajennine said...

Love what you share in this post!

Rach said...

I really cant imagine pregnancy being any more exciting than our adoption journey honestly.

Glad you are feeling excited! It's not an easy path but I know it will be worth the wait and will all make sense in the end.

Kelli said...

So true, my dear - each person is different and God guides each of us at His pace and in His perfect timing. So glad your time of peace and hope is here! Enjoy the journey... the ups and downs, the highs and lows...knowing that each one is taking you one step closer to your miracle. XO

Anonymous said...

Rach - I've built my family through pregnacy and adoption and have to say that pregnancy isn't any more exciting that the adoption journey!! Adoption is every single bit as exciting and special as pregnancy and giving birth, and sometimes even more awe-inspiring.

Amber said...

This comment may not be helpful at all, since I've only had a child by birth. But I don't feel like I love my daughter as much as I do because I gave birth to her. Yeah, pregnancy was great but I barely remember it now. And it passed SO quickly. The fact that she shares my genetics does not make me love her more. It's all because she's my baby, just as she would be if she were adopted.

I wish you and your husband so much love and happiness in the coming months!

Leah said...

I relate to this post so much! I know for me, I couldn't heal until treatments were over. So even after my last failed treatment, there was a period of relief because it meant I could move forward. Moving forward is near impossible while in the trenches of treatment.

I am praying that your heart continues to heal, and that you continue to be excited about adoption. :)

tanyaslifejourney said...

Very well said. I feel the same way about our path to embryo adoption. I feel like God has been preparing us for this the whole 2 1/2 years we were pursuing (failed) fertility treatments. God bless your journey and may it be filled with more joy than heartache.

Missy said...

I think another piece is that the grief does not end but can be pushed to the background with other feelings of excitement. There are still times when it comes to the foreground, though.

One Who Understands said...

So happy that hope has returned. And I'm glad you are moving on quickly. I think we all start to let the idea that all the treatment is going to work before we stop treatments. Love this post!

Lisa said...

Praising GOD that you have begun to find hope again! Unfortunately, it can be easier to loose it, than to find it - praying that GOD continues to give you peace as you move along with your adoption journey :)

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (New International Version)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Anonymous said...

I like it very much!