Sunday, June 12, 2011

The low days

I am so very thankful that the hopeful days outweigh the blue ones lately, but the low days make their appearance here and there, too. Lest you think in my adoption excitement I have left behind the grief of infertility, today has been a low day. The kind where my face throbs, my head hurts, and I have had to take out my contacts in favor of glasses due to the swollen, dry-eyed discomfort of my eyes.

The day began feeling "off" as my husband I drove to church. I made {an admittedly whiney} comment about the cost of adoption and not being able to get an SLR camera to take beautiful baby pictures of our baby (I know, I know...I'm sorry), and he snapped at me. We made up almost instantly, but I know the interaction effected both of us.

During church they had the pre-schoolers walk through the sanctuary as a thank you to all of their teachers and helpers, and I got teary eyed.

After church we walked out to our car and I could tell my husband did not want to hold my hand. Cue feelings of hurt and rejection.

In the car, everything suddenly escalated. My husband admitted he didn't even know why he felt so frustrated, but he did. He said he's tired of talking about adoption. He said a lot of other almost nonsensical but still hurtful things. I cried. And cried.

We got home and he apologized genuinely and sweetly. I was still emotional and shaken, but we tried to piece together the root of his anger and frustration. We think the fundamental issue was that the adoption process is just so hard, and in the midst of how difficult {and expensive} it is, we couldn't help but long for the simplicity and joy we had long ago desired of simply getting pregnant one month. My husband felt frustrated and helpless, and the more I have talked about adoption lately, the more he has felt pushed into a corner like I am "calling the shots" in our adoption decisions.

Thankfully, later in the afternoon we spent some time discussing why we are adopting, and why this is the right decision for us. We reminded each other that God does not call us to an easy life nor promise it, and even though these decisions feel difficult, we can rely on God to guide us. We then made a "to-do" task list for the week, and we have committed to each taking task items and then communicating about them as we go.

It was defintely a productive process, and I am thankful for how the day is ending. But all of this has opened the flood gates of my heart and reminded me of the pain of infertility. How long, O Lord?


C said...

Just stumbled upon your blog. I so remember feeling that same way about finances. I also remember that tension with my husband. I felt like sometimes he didn't want it as bad as I did. So not true. It's funny, cuz I didn't remember until now. When we got our baby, all that disappeared. Adoption is not easy and it is not simple. Even when you get the phone call and have to decide if it is right and this is your baby. I can promise that you will thank God for all this and all your unanswered prayers because you will have your baby.

Sarah B said...

My fertility grief still rears its head occasionally, even though I had a biological child and adopted a baby. I think this loss is lifelong, even if you do eventually come to peace with it. Adoption is just different than having a biological baby, no better, no worse. I commend you for being honest about your feelings with it. I have learned in all this that adoption bring so many conflicting feelings with it: uncertainty, resolve, grief, optimism, joy. Difficult, life enriching, definitely worth it.

Rachel DeBell said...

:( I am so sorry you are having one of those days. I wish it were an easy process, and honestly I wish you didn't have to go through the process at all! I have nothing encouraging to say other than I am praying so hard for your guys.

kdactyl said...

Hillary...this post touched me. I know you and your DH have a super strong relationship and to hear that this whole process can stress that is so very sad. You are should be able to just love your husband and create a family. I thought that would be my path too, but it wasn't. And there were times when we (me and my wonderful DH) clashed or miscommunicated and it was so very sad for both of us to see how the tension could make us short with each other...but we did what you did...we talked it out, we made a plan TOGETHER and we both did our part. I'm so glad we continued on the journey and now have our two beautiful through IVF and one through embryo adoption...both journeys were hard and reminded us that we were infertile...and that pain never quite goes away, but you learn to live a different dream and when that dream comes true (like I know it will for you) makes all of this worth it. Keep your Faith. God knows what he is doing even though we sometimes haven't a clue why He chooses these paths for us.

Hugs to you.