Monday, May 2, 2011

One week

It has been one week since we stopped infertility treatments and moved into a new, unknown, and currently painful season of life.

Last week, I read a post on Mel's blog describing how life-changing infertility is, and that for many of us our lives become separated into pre- and post- infertility categories. She says, "Because for many people, infertility doesn’t have an expiration date. It doesn’t have an end point. It is so huge, so emotional, so life-changing that it becomes an event — a divide in a life and the way we count years — the moment before the diagnosis and the moment after. BD and AD."

After reading that, I realized that last Monday was one of those life-changing days for me. The course of my life changed dramatically, and now my life is in a new category. Yes, this was true for me when we got our infertility diagnosis, but I think my new category trumps that one. I'm not sure what to call it - "Before stopping treatments" and "After stopping treatments," doesn't flow well or fully communicate it. Perhaps "Before Barrenness" and "After Barrenness"? BB and AB?

Definition of BARREN

: not reproducing: as a : incapable of producing offspring —used especially of females or matings

My husband has rightfully pointed out that while we will close this door and move forward with our life as though we will not have biological children, it could happen. God could bless us with a pregnancy. He doesn't want me to limit the power of God in my mind, and I agree. But I also need to accept that at this moment in time and with a high likelihood in the future, I am and may always be barren. I never thought of myself as that before; infertile, yes, but I still hoped I would become pregnant. But now I am letting go of that hope.

One week into my new life. In some ways it hasn't been as difficult as I would have thought. I was less emotional than I would have guessed. In other ways, it was shocking how many small reminders - small losses - arose all around me.

Before the last cycle ended, I had wanted and hoped that we would be able to move forward with adoption fairly quickly afterwards. Now that I am here, I am not feeling motivated to do so at all. I think I need time to grieve, but I also think I am so exhausted from it all that I don't have the energy to start a whole new journey. It is also kind of nice to not be waiting for once - I'm not waiting for a new cycle to start, through a two week wait, or even to be matched with a child. I'm just here in the present, which is painful but less demanding. I don't know if this will be one week or one year, but for now we are doing nothing.


A said...

i know you know, but you are so lucky to have a Godly husband. i agree with him that you shouldn't put a limit on what God can do, but i agree with you that at some point, you have to really release what is weighing you down.

i think it is totally understandable to need time to grieve right now instead of jumping right into the adoption journey. my friend trisha (waiting for something beautiful, on my blogroll) waited i think almost 2 years from her IVF BFN until they started the adoption process.

God WILL redeem your heartache, i am 100% sure. until then, we are all praying for you (HUG) said...

I agree with A, that you're blessed to have a Godly husband. I hope the present becomes less painful for you. Thinking of you.

Amy said...

I would say take all the time you need to grieve and process and gather the strength to start the adoption process. Adoption is definitely not for the faint of heart and so you will need your strength back when it is time to start that. Praying for you.

Leah said...

I always read your beautiful words, and wish I had something profound to say. I never do (unfortunately) but I want you to know that I continue to think and pray for you.

Your husband is right. . . you never know what will happen. I stopped all treatments in July 2009. People told me to hope, but I had none. Afterall, two different RE's had given me a couple of diagnoses, and basically told me that we have perhaps a 1% chance of ever conceiving "naturally." Having so little hope actually helped in my healing, because eventually, I was able to focus on the future, which for us included adoption. I quit tracking cycles, taking my temperatures, and I never knew when AF was (or wasn't) going to arrive. And in October of that year, we conceived, and now have an almost 10 month old daughter. I had less than a 1% chance. It happens.

Regardless of what your future holds (as only God knows) I hope that each day you heal and that you get to a place of peace. Going through infertility and then the treatments, ripped peace right out of me. Peace is what I missed the most, which is why that's always what I pray for for you.

Always thinking of you.

Jeanie said...

Just want to say that I am heartbroken for you, though I don't know you. I grieve with you and cannot imagine the pain. I pray that God would ease the pain and I am anxious to see where he will take you.

Melissa G said...

Hillary, I know that no one will ever be able to tell you when the right time is, it's something you'll have to work out on your own and with your dear, dear husband. All I can do is wish you peace during the next phase of your journey, and tell you that I will always be here for you - sending nothing but love.

Hugs, my friend.

Melody said...

We came to the exact same point of doing our last IVF cycle after many surgeries, treatments, etc and I remember that we took a short getaway trip. We left everything behind and packed up and had a quaint weekend away just being together and forgetting. Not all together forgetting of course but just leaving it as behind as we could. It was nice and refreshing. We came back to reality and it was an interim of IF treatments and not much hope of biological children although not ruling it out but soon after began a new chapter that included adoption. It's a weird phase right now that you're in but it will soon not feel so strange and bleak. It will take on it's own form and it will feel more right. I'm still praying for you.

Jenny H said...

Praying and holding your hope when you have lost your grip of it for the moment. Here for you no matter how long your waiting period is, because I know God is faithful. He is the Master RE and Creator of all.
I see the evidence when I look at my son and my 2 nieces. 3 very different stories, but all placed in one family, now life will never be the same without them.

You too will come to this chapter in your life. I won't tell you the pain will just go away. My heart is heavy for you, but I know one day you will have your 1st Mother's Day. God is faithful!

prating & hoping
Jenny H

Andrea said...

You remain in my prayers...and I will forever hold onto HOPE, as I KNOW your miracle is on the horizon. Just when I wanted to give up my rainbow appeared. Yours will too, I am Faithful.

Much Love and Prayers Always

Amanda said...

Hey Hillary, I just wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day! I'm sure today is hard for you but you are a mom, even if your babies are only in your hear, and don't forget that.