Last week, I read a post on Mel's blog describing how life-changing infertility is, and that for many of us our lives become separated into pre- and post- infertility categories. She says, "Because for many people, infertility doesn’t have an expiration date. It doesn’t have an end point. It is so huge, so emotional, so life-changing that it becomes an event — a divide in a life and the way we count years — the moment before the diagnosis and the moment after. BD and AD."
After reading that, I realized that last Monday was one of those life-changing days for me. The course of my life changed dramatically, and now my life is in a new category. Yes, this was true for me when we got our infertility diagnosis, but I think my new category trumps that one. I'm not sure what to call it - "Before stopping treatments" and "After stopping treatments," doesn't flow well or fully communicate it. Perhaps "Before Barrenness" and "After Barrenness"? BB and AB?
Definition of BARREN
My husband has rightfully pointed out that while we will close this door and move forward with our life as though we will not have biological children, it could happen. God could bless us with a pregnancy. He doesn't want me to limit the power of God in my mind, and I agree. But I also need to accept that at this moment in time and with a high likelihood in the future, I am and may always be barren. I never thought of myself as that before; infertile, yes, but I still hoped I would become pregnant. But now I am letting go of that hope.
One week into my new life. In some ways it hasn't been as difficult as I would have thought. I was less emotional than I would have guessed. In other ways, it was shocking how many small reminders - small losses - arose all around me.
Before the last cycle ended, I had wanted and hoped that we would be able to move forward with adoption fairly quickly afterwards. Now that I am here, I am not feeling motivated to do so at all. I think I need time to grieve, but I also think I am so exhausted from it all that I don't have the energy to start a whole new journey. It is also kind of nice to not be waiting for once - I'm not waiting for a new cycle to start, through a two week wait, or even to be matched with a child. I'm just here in the present, which is painful but less demanding. I don't know if this will be one week or one year, but for now we are doing nothing.