Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day has come and gone - my 4th since we started trying to conceive. Thankfully, the day itself has never been particularly painful or difficult for me, mostly due to the fact that it is not a huge celebration in either of our families or even at church. In DH's and my families, the day involves simple gestures, thoughtful cards, and a loving phone call to our mothers. At church, they made a part of the prayer time for mothers, but they also included those who are hurting this day. Simple and appropriate. I was thankful.

Church was still emotional, however. Not because it was Mother's Day, but it is always a place where I feel like my emotions cannot be buried. It is where the words of Scripture and worship gently massage my aching soul in ways that are healing but raw. It is where the Lord reminds me continually of his love, his faithfulness, and that he is enough. Sundays are good, but Sundays are emotional.

Church is also where I see more pregnant women than you could ever imagine in one place. It is where pregnant women holding babies greet each other, and I sit in my pew watching and feeling like such an outsider to their club. It is where I am reminded that I will never get to show of my expanding belly as I walk down the aisle to take communion.

I am thankful that Sundays are emotional, because I have observed that I am very good at NOT being emotional. At practically ignoring my grief, living my life, and tricking myself into thinking I am ok. I am ok in many senses of the word, but I think I need those emotional times. In light of this, I have also made an initial phone call to set up an appointment with a Christian counselor. As proof to myself that there is a lot going on in my heart (even though I can now go days without even feeling it), simply making the phone call made me feel jittery and brought a full bout of tears. I think it is a good step.


Rach said...

I have been seeing a counselor for about 6 months now. It's very helpful. I hope it's a positive experience for you.

Glad mothers day wasnt too painful for you.

Melissa G said...

Good for you for reaching out to a counselor. It really has made a world of differnce for me over the last two years. I hope you find the same comfort and peace that I have through therapy.


Heather said...

I am so proud of you. You are san inspiration to us. I am so sorry you are in this place but I see God working in your llife so much!

Im praying for you and cannot wait to see what your life has in store!

Andrea said...

I remember very well the day I made "the call" to see a therapist. I'd reached a point where I just needed to seek peace and find a way to move forward with my stagnant life. I was emotionaly exhausted!

Seeing the therapist reiterated to me that my feelings were normal. The Dr. validated so many things that I held within. She worked with me on self forgiveness, as I had aparently held myself responsible for my inability to conceive. The initial session was emotional, but oh so healing.

I wish you peace Hillary and seeing a counselor is such a gift to yourself, I promise.


Vi said...

Hillary, I have never felt so close to somebody else's feelings than I feel to yours today-it's as if you spoke them for me aloud...
Remember- you still CAN get pregnant if it's God's plan for you and for that I am praying.

infertilefollies said...

Hillary, I pray for peace and comfort for you. A counselor could be a really good thing right now.

p.s. I gave you an award today... check it out on my blog--

A said...

i hope that your counselor will be able to help you process your grief and look forward. i have never stopped praying for you (HUG)