Monday, April 11, 2011

Transfer

Today has felt incredibly long and emotional - I barely have the energy to write this post. But so many of you have left such encouraging words and offered up many prayers (thank you, thank you, thank you) that I didn't want to leave you hanging.

My appointment was late morning time, so DH took a half day at work and we tried to make a date out of it. We went out to breakfast and split a breakfast burrito (yum), and that was definitely the highlight of today.

We got to the RE's just before 10:30, and the wait began. We waited in the lobby for 45 minutes before being called back. We were already frustrated at this point.

Instead of going to the transfer room, they took us to an empty nurse's office where the embryologist was waiting for us. The part I had been dreading, because I knew that whether or not the embryos were "good" I would be emotional and upset. I could just feel it brewing. If they were "good," I would remember all the other "good" embryos we have had that resulted in nothing....and I would feel hopeless. And if they were "bad" - well, bad would be same hopeless feeling but even more extreme, because if our "good" embryos hadn't made it, how could these?

Well, our one embryo was in between good and bad: One 6-8 cell grade B showing a fair amount of fragmentation.

The other that had "maybe fertilized" had divided, but it was full of fragmentation and only a 4 cell. We transferred both.

Immediately I felt like I could barely hold it together. The moment had come - the moment where I saw the "last chance" embryos and had to face it. The office we were in had some privacy, but there was a wide open door to a busy hallway, and we also didn't know when somebody would come get us to go to the transfer room. So I cried seeping, quiet tears but tried to maintain some composure.

And we had to sit in this tortured state for another hour. I put my head down on the desk and basically willed myself not to think. I couldn't even pray because I knew that would set off a torrent of tears. DH rubbed my back. I started to feel claustrophobic simply being at the RE's - I wanted OUT. Out of there. I wanted to be home, away from all of this. Those were a long, long 60 minutes.

Finally, we were taken to the transfer room, and once there things moved quickly. The room was somber and heavy. My RE was kind but I did not feel like he was hopeful either. There was a new nurse's assistant who was observing, so there were 3 people in the room (plus DH). The way he had me positioned on the table I felt more exposed than normal. I was just trying to breathe. The transfer itself went smoothly.

They left the room and turned down the lights, and DH & I could finally be alone for the 15 minutes of resting. And I could finally pray....and cry.

Thankfully the Valium kicked in and I fell asleep for the hour drive home, which felt like a sweet mercy. Because of the delays, DH was late for work and felt pretty stressed.

I'm just so glad to be home.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lifting you up to your Father who loves you.

Adam and Julia said...

i am praying for your two embabies and that they both grow big and strong. now rest. you have been through a lot

Anonymous said...

God was present in that room, Hilary, and He alone can make good things happen. I will pray for peace and rest for you and your dear husband.

RMCarter said...

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

I know it is too hard to hope right now, so I am hoping for you. I pray that your tide will turn and God will make known His chosen path for you, whatever that path may be, and that you will find peace and comfort in it.

Amber said...

Praying for you right now! Praying you would find comfort and strength in the arms of Christ.

Melissa G said...

Oh Hillary, my heart hurts for you. I hate that you are in so much pain.

Sending you warm thoughts and big squishy hugs.

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS)) Praying for you guys and your embryos!!

A said...

I am praying that God brings great beauty out of the ashes you went through today. I know what it feels like to not even be able to find the words to pray, and know that I am praying for you tonight (HUG)

Anonymous said...

Sweet Hillary,

Let us be your Aaron and lift up your weary arms. We are hoping for you, we have faith for you, we are praying for you. HE alone breathes life.

Love,
An IF sister who has been there

One Who Understands said...

Sending big HUGS your way. This is so hard but you cannot give up yet. I am praying and hoping for you and those two little embryos. God is good and He is with you and them.

evsmarie said...

Praying continuously for you and those two precious embies! Let the Father carry you when you are too weary to walk and let the love of others lighten your burden during this next wait!!

Emily said...

My heart hurts for you. Lots of prayers are being said for you.

MyTwoLines said...

Oh this post took me back. I'm really sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry it didn't go the way you had hoped...just take things one breath at a time.

kkasun said...

Thinking of you and wishing you peace during your 2ww.

Sarah said...

Even if you feel hopeless, we are still praying for you and have hope.

Jenni said...

I'm so sorry that the news wasn't good and that you're not feeling hopeful. No matter the outcome, I hope that you can find peace.

nobabyruth said...

I don't know what to say, except that I am thinking of you and your two embabies that are hopefully snuggling in tight for the next 8.5 months. HUGS

tanyaslifejourney said...

Our God is a God of miracles and if He wants one (or both) of those embies to make it--they will. If not, He has a bigger and better plan for your life. Praying that you have peace that can only come from God over the next couple of weeks as you wait for the results. (((HUGS)))

Leah said...

Oh Hillary. I'm SO sorry. Really, I am. I could feel your pain through this post, and I just want you to know you are in my prayers.

Melody said...

glad you're back home too and not as exposed and vulnerable. A terrible feeling. Praying for God's mercy and blessings to pour out on you in ways you can't even fathom right now.

Rachel DeBell said...

I agree with some of the previous comments...I think its ok for you just to "BE" right now, and for you to rely on all your support system to PRAY and BELIEVE and HOPE for you. Sometimes its just almost impossible to do that in the midst of sorrow and I do believe that is what the rest of us are for right now. Hillary, we are going to continue to hope and intercede on your behalf.

"Jesus, please give our sweet friend her miracle baby. Despite all the reports, we KNOW you are greater and you work ALL things to YOUR glory! We ask that this be a situation you work to your glory! And we ask that you give her peace!"

Michele said...

hugs and prayers

Shannon said...

1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

His glory is going to be revealed in you, Hillary. Praying for peace for you and your husband until that time comes.

Kakunaa said...

Praying for a miracle for you sweetie.

cowgirltn said...

Sending you thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

So sorry you are hurting!
God is able to do more than we ask or imagine. He is able to create life even out of what doctors grade poorly.
I am praying that those babies who looked ( not so good ) to the doctor are growing and thriving under God's Hand. Praying you are given the desires of your heart.
May God Bless you beyond your wildest dreams...hoping with all my heart for you!

Britney said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know you know all of this -- but please remember that regardless of what these embryos "graded" at, God alone determines their fate, and He already knows the outcome. So, if the outcome is a pregnancy and healthy baby, does it really matter what they were graded at? of course not! ; )

jones said...

Thinking of you and hoping for you.

M3MU said...

Massive hugs and prayers for you. I hope that a rocky beginning means it will end amazingly well with a giant BFP x 2. :) Thinking of you and your hubs lots.

millerofmadness said...

I wish I had the perfect words to say to you, but know prayers and hugs are being sent your way.

Anonymous said...

It is not over until it's over. We all will keep the faith and prayers coming. Take it one breath at a time. I too went through IVF and had what they thought was and empty sac. I ended up pregnant with twins. My embryos didn't "look" as good as they wanted either. Take deep breaths and go with the moments. God is good and will help you through this.

theworms said...

Praying hard this is finally your sticky baby. So many babies start off as less than perfect embies, it can happen cutie.

((HUGS))

sara said...

thinking of you tonight and praying for your heart to be comforted....

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry... this pain... it runs so deep. Hoping for the best outcome for you.

Andrea said...

Sweetest Hillary,

I weep as I read your words and I want to offer you love and support. And offer lots of prayers up for you and your DH. My heart hurts so deeply for you, as I know what those moments of dispair feel like and I know what it feels like to hold back a flood gate of tears.

However, I'm going to cling to FAITH in your MIRACLE, as I Believe all things are possible through him.

Much Love

Anonymous said...

thinking of you, praying for those precious embryos, and wishing you peace during the coming days.

hang in there,
Jenna

Erin said...

Typically I am a lurker but I wanted to let you know.... im just thinking about you constantly. No matter the outcome you will be okay... you will, i just know that, not that it wont be hard but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. and hey... crazier things have happened. my baby boy is from a grade b embryo... good luck!