Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Slowly moving forward

Some days, I feel like I am close to accepting the fact that I may never be pregnant. Some days I can say it to myself without feeling much emotion at all because it has become more of a fact than a fear. In fact, on Monday night I was getting ready for bed and I said aloud to myself, "This is our last try, and it may not work. I may never be pregnant," and I was surprised at how normal I felt saying that. It actually made me feel pretty happy that I had come so far.

However, the next day I went into the RE's for a lining check and bloodwork. While waiting to have my blood drawn, a woman sat down next to me holding her ultrasound pictures from her pregnancy, and the nurses came over to congratulate her. She said, "Finally! I am so happy." And I almost lost it. All of those thoughts of accepting our situation were swallowed up by sadness that I may never hold an ultrasound picture, may never be congratulated like that, and may never experience pregnancy.

A nurse called me in for the bloodwork, and I was relieved to leave the happy scene. She started chatting with me and asked if this was my third cycle, and I had to correct her and tell her that, no, it was our fifth. And the last. It was the first time I had said those words "the last" aloud to anybody but DH, I think, and I got quite choked up. She very kindly replied that it just has to work then...and I still hope it does.

Two steps forward, one step back, eh? But I do feel like I am making more steps forward than back.

17 comments:

Rosie said...

That's grief for you. When I try to explain this to parent's who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth (I'm a bereavement counselor), I tell them that it comes in waves and never completely goes away. The intensity of the grief may lessen over time but a song or a smell or a memory may trigger strong pain as well. You are grieving the loss of the family you never got to have, it's going to catch you off guard sometimes. But you are strong, try not to let it define you. I am praying for you...HARD! Your nurse was right this has to work. Keep your spirits up, you are a true inspiration :)

A said...

Gosh, I wish the nurse would have been more private about her congratulations. I am praying for you as you trust God's vision of your family's future (hug).

Rachel said...

Thinking of you and praying for your miracle!

Life Happens said...

I can't believe the patient would even show the picture in the waiting room of the RE's office!! When we went back to visit our RE after Matthew's birth, we were very sensitive to the fact that there would be patients in the office so I waited outside while my husband went in and asked to see our favorite nurse (the dr was with a patient). The nurse came out into the hall and visited with us for a few minutes.

I am praying that your last cycle will work. When I did my last (and final 3rd) IVF cycle, it was sad, but I kept praying to the Lord and I knew in my heart that HE knew it was my last cycle too.

God hears all our prayers. He knows the desires of your heart. You have been so diligent in doing everything that you can do. Turn it all over to Him and be ready to accept whatever outcome. Good luck!

Britney said...

I know how you feel. If it is any consolation, God already knows the outcome of this cycle, as you know. There is nothing you can do to change that outcome. The lining, quality of embryos, etc. All out of your hand. Trust that He knows what is best for you, and that He is working to accomplish those goals. He loves you.

Rachael said...

(((hugs))) I know there is not much I can say other than I know how you feel as we are contemplating if we are nearing the end for our journey too. I hope that this is your cycle hun!

Melissa G said...

Wow, I think a lot of us can identify with this post.

You would think that both the patient and the nurse would have been more discrete out in the open. Kind of tactless if you ask me...

Thinking of you, friend.

lifebytheday said...

Ugh, I had a very similar experience - in the stirrups for my HSG, almost lost it when I said the "and last" out loud. I am hoping and praying that God gives you your true heart's desire...no one deserves it more.

Kakunaa said...

I really pray that this is it for you sweetie. HUGS

Betty Rubble said...

It's a slow journey...but you will get there. Although I'm hoping its with a BFP!

Rachel DeBell said...

My mom always says that God always seems to answer at "the last minute", not the first one! I don't like that too much, but I guess looking back we do learn so much about hope and perseverance. I wish faith was easy, but I know He has some reason for waiting to provide answers. Praying Praying Praying for your BFP!

millerofmadness said...

I promise I'm not trolling for people to read my blog, but I made a post today on the very subject of accepting the fact, for me, that it will never happen. Not sure if it will help you or not, but please feel free to check it out. www.millerofmadness.wordpress.com

You still have every reason to hope, so hold on to the Lord.

nobabyruth said...

Moving forward is the important part, even if it IS slowly. Even so I understand how hard it is to feel the finality of this being "the last." I am so hoping that it's the last but not the least!!

Anonymous said...

Even though I don't know you, I am praying for you today! God has put you on my heart! I pray He gives you the desire of your heart.
May you believe with all your heart
Ephesians 3:20
"Now to Him who is able to do FAR more ABUNDANTLY BEYOND all that we ask or think according to the power that works within us..."

Tk said...

Many months ago I ran across your blog and seem so connected to you and your situation. Nearing 30 in a few short weeks and going on year 3 of still not having a baby has taken a toll. Know that you inspire, encourage and above all give everyone going through this same thing strength to fight another day to become mothers. Keep your head up and know that many prayers are being send your way <3

ceecee867 said...

I don't think I've ever prayed as hard for any of the blogs I follow, as I am now praying for you... N I honestly feel like that since you are in such a different "place" this time, that maybe... just maybe.... this is going to be your time. God Bless you :)

Michelle said...

I totally know your pain!! I'm praying that God's will be done. I'm praying for you to be at peace while waiting. I wish I had the answers, but just know you have a bunch of people out there that are rooting for you and will be there for you no matter what! xoxoxoxoxo