Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Is this my life?

One way that my current loss is easier than others is that my day to day life has not changed. We wake up, go to work, make dinner, go to church and youth events, eat lunch with friends, talk to family members, etc. On some level I can do all of this just like I did before, whereas if I lost DH, for example, I could do NOTHING normally. Every large and small detail of my life would be completely and utterly different and I don't think I could function.

Thankfully, I am functioning. There are still many reminders out there, and somehow my brain can continually circle around some aspect of my loss....but I am functioning. Heck, I'm even laughing. Life continues, and I have many blessings surrounding me.

But you know what's hard? Nights. I can't distract myself or turn my brain off as I go to bed. This is where I cry, sometimes inconsolably, and sometimes quietly. It is difficult to fall asleep, and I often wake up in the middle of the night and have to face those thoughts all over again while laying awake for an hour. And then my grief is the first thought I wake up with. My bed is not a restful, pleasant place right now.

And I keep asking myself: Is this really my life? Me? My life? I knew this might be how things ended, I thought about it, I even tried to prepare for it. But it just doesn't feel like it can really be happening. Me, whose only earthly aspiration was to have a family. Me, who has absorbed so much pregnancy info from friends and blogs that I sometimes think I know more about pregnancy than those who have been pregnant (not really, but you know...). Me, who fantasized about all things pregnancy related, from buying maternity clothes to giving birth.

Most people DO conceive, even those who faced infertility. I am one of the few.

Is this really my life? And how do I accept it?

14 comments:

Betty Rubble said...

If I had the answer I would give it to you...but since I don't how about you accept a cyber hug in place of?

Amy said...

Hillary, I haven't commented lately, but I have been reading along and wanted to send my support and prayers to you as you grieve. I don't have the right words for you, only virtual hugs like Betty and prayers for your heart and mind to heal.

Veronique said...

There are no words that can be said that will comfort you. But I hope you will find solace and comfort in the Lord. I`m sorry you`re going through this. I can`t imagine....

Veronique

http://lifeasaluce.blogspot.com/

A said...

Yes, tons of hugs coming your way. I don't know if it is consolation or not, but the only thing that comes to my mind after reading your reflections is that God is not surprised that this is how things turned out. He knows all you have been through and how He will redeem your heartache. He knows you are a faithful daughter and even in the night, He is by your side.

J-Law said...

Oh sweetie...you have no idea how much I wish this WASN'T your life. Sending you hugs and prayers.

Eyes Wide Open said...

I am in the same boat right now...with my fertility and, spilling out from there, with all aspects of my life. I feel like I chose the path I'm on with the intention of having a family and now...what? I am in utter disbelief that this is my life. I find that I'm "accepting" it by doing things for me - choosing a career I love rather than one that provides a flexi schedule "for the kids" etc. I bought a motorcycle, which I've always wanted, because I would never own one as a mom. I know your situation is entirely different 1.) because it's yours and 2.) because you are considering adoption. I wish you all the peace in the world in coming to a place where this doesn't hurt quite so much.
x

Sooz said...

I've been following your blog a long time and although I've only commented a couple of times, I wanted to send out my thoughts and support to you.

I know this may not be helpful, but have you thought about getting a second opinion? After 2 failed IVFs, I went to CCRM in Colorado for my last two IVFs (both of which were much better than my first 2). Even if you don't decide to go there, they do really helpful telephone consultations. I believe the cost is $200 and they might be able to provide an explanation.

Mrs. Hoppy said...

The only thing I can think of to say is that it does get easier. Believe me when I say that I know that doesn't help right now but you will get through this. And I believe you will have your family one way or another.

sara said...

no words...just a lot of prayers..and the good thing is that everyday when you are asleep (or trying to be...)...i am awake and i will be praying for you!!

Britney said...

Let me assure you, this is NOT your life, unless you want it to be. I have been, Hillary, where you are at. I KNOW what it is like. And I'm here to tell you that it is just a season. This is NOT your life. And i say that not just because we have been blessed with children. I say that because the season came to an end, and it happened to be with God blessing us with children. This season will come to an end for you, too. It could be by God blessing you with a child. It could be by God not blessing you with a child, but with a recognition/acceptance from you that you are content in your circumstances (a gift from God), and followed by a new season where God does bless you with a child. Either way, this season will.come.to.an.end. All seasons do. Grief and infertility, included.
I'm not trying to minimize your pain at all. I would never do that. I just want you to be able to look up, look out, and see the light at the end of this tunnel. At some point, this will not hurt as much. It will not sting as much. At some point, the bitter turns sweet. There will always be aching, longing, wonderment, confusion. But this palpable pain you feel now is not your life.

RMCarter said...

You are never far from my thoughts. I wish there was more I can do, but I just keep praying that God's path for you will become clear and these times of heartache will turn to times of joy. I know this will happen eventually, and I pray that time is soon.

bakeryclosed said...

Love you, Hill. If there's anything I can do to help you through this, let me know.

Chrissie said...

There are no words to make your loss easier. I am so sorry. My husband and I have been walking the road of infertility/recurrent miscarriage for the last year and a half. The scars of hope deferred are deep. Praying your heart knows peace.

Heather said...

H--

I am in your same place exactly- how do we accept it--- how do we go on?

I would love to talk to you on the phone if you are willing. Please send me an email and we can chat further from someone who has been there.

Love you!!!

Heather

heathermarsden117@gmail.com