Thursday, April 14, 2011

Hanging in there

Thank you for the outpouring of support. I love that so many of you offered to pray for me and hope for me when it is so hard for me to do for myself, and the image of others holding up Moses' arms to receive God's power in battle is just perfect. Each and every one of your comments encouraged my fragile heart. I can't thank you enough.

I spent two days (mostly) at home after the transfer per my RE's directions. Normally this has been a time that I have loved because it was before the crazy symptom analyzing sets in (which brings fear), and I was filled with so much hope. However, this time I felt like I needed those days to recover emotionally and get to a point where I could function at work and our other activities. It was nice to have those two days already set aside.

I struggled (am struggling?) a lot with the idea that our embryos have died (are dying?) inside of me. As I laid there I kept having this thought enter my mind, and it would break my heart all over again. I know that is such a depressing thought. The only thing I could do when this thought popped into my head was to use it as a reminder to pray that my embryos would be alive and growing. What a miracle it would be if our worst embryos out of five cycles were the ones that brought us a baby or babies. But as I told my husband....I have hope in God, I just don't have hope that he will give us a pregnancy.

I have an anonymous commenter who has posted off and on for a long time - maybe 6 months? - that "April would be my month." I liked reading that (who wouldn't? :), but didn't give it too much weight (no offense, anonymous commenter! I just don't usually operate like that. But it was always nice to read, so thank you!). However, it did feel a little bizarre that she was posting this comment LONG before I knew when this frozen cycle would be. In fact, I think when she first started saying that I thought we would already be done with the cycle and this comment meant I would conceive in April without fertility treatments. But then it turned out that April was the month of our last fertility treatment - weird. Anonymous commenter, I would be floored if you were right and that April is my month.

I am committed to not thinking about "symptoms" and making myself crazy. I think for my first cycles I did this out of hope. Later I tried not to over analyze, but I would get sucked in anyway because I wanted to be hopeful. But this time, I just can't do that to myself. I will not be posting two week wait updates. I will try my hardest to not even think about my body over the next 10 days.

The next 10 days are full and include a weekend church retreat, turning 30, planning my 30th birthday party (which will be the weekend after the beta), and Easter. I am hoping these are all good distractions, but I am also a little nervous about how to survive it all.

14 comments:

Melis.sa said...

Happy early birthday!! Praying it's your best one yet :D

Bobbi said...

I hear ya about how the first couple days after the transfer are kinda nice...relaxing, adjusting to the thought of being PUPO, but once those two days pass, the symptom analyzing steps in!!! I was so bad. I'd go crazy googling everything. :( But, it's good that you are going to try your hardest to stay away from the craziness that all brings. God is in the miracle business. No feat is too small for him...even a poor quality 4 cell embryo. :) Can't wait for 4/25, girl! It'll be a wonderful day. I just know it!

tanyaslifejourney said...

Glad you have things to keep you occupied during the next 10 days. Praying for you still.
BTW--our birthdays are very close together--I celebrate #33 on April 26! Happy early birthday!

jlynn said...

Thinking of you and praying that April does bring you your miracle.

A said...

i am happy to pray for you right now (well, not "happy", because i wish you weren't hurting, but you know what i mean). i pray that God will allow one of these embies to snuggle in tight against all grading or odds, and if that is not His will for the embies, then I pray that He will gently comfort you and use this heartache to draw you closer to the plan He has for your family. big hug coming your way tonight!!

Anonymous said...

I hope and pray with all my heart that I am right! I really, really do!
I am praying. There is a very specific reason I let you know that I felt like April was your month 6 months ago and like I said in the first contact...if you are pregnant I will let you know what that was! I have walked a mile in your shoes - I know where you are....I am praying like crazy for you..and like I said, I hope with all my heart I am right!

RMCarter said...

You have it exactly right... Have faith in Christ, not faith in an outcome. Meanwhile, we all hope for an April miracle for you and your hubby. Much love.

Life Happens said...

Keeping you in my prayers. Celebrating your birthday and Easter are good distractions!!

Anonymous said...

I too am one of those long time silent followers of your blog (silent in writing, but not in thoughts/prayers for you!) I have not experienced what you are going through but am deeply moved and inspired by your honesty, faith, and strength to be vulnerable and open about your feelings and experiences. I hate that you're going through this difficult-beyond-words journey. I pray that you will receive the best 30th birthday present imaginable this month! May God hold you in the palm of His hand, may he grant you peace, strength and a wonderful gift in the coming days.

bakeryclosed said...

Hillary, I've been thinking of you. I hope with all my heart this least-likely try works out. Mysterious ways and all that jazz.

But promise me, either way, you will enjoy your birthday. 30 is the new awesome.

Love to you both.

-Marie

Shanny said...

Keeping my everything crossed that April is indeed your month. hugs!

Jess said...

Hang in there through faith Hillary. I love praying for all the bloggers I follow, and I know He hears us. Be strong in the Lord.

gringa78 said...

Always thinking of you and always hopeful for you. ((HUGS))

Meg said...

Continuing to lift you up constantly throughout the day.