Monday, April 25, 2011

The goodbye

Thank you so very much for all of you words of support. They have meant so much to me as I have struggled in feeling pretty alone in my new grief.

Today I went in to the RE's for the last time. One last two hour round trip drive, one last wait in the waiting room, and one last blood draw. As with everything this cycle, I was filled with both intense grief and relief mingled together as I was there.

I brought all of my sharps containers - all 5 that were stuffed too full and should have really been 6 - and left them at their office. I also brought a few left over medications and needles/ syringes, and gave them to a nurse to pass on to another patient in need. It was cathartic to collect all this stuff and remove it from my house.

I also brought a small orchid and card to give as a thank you to my RE. I wanted to thank him and tell him good-bye in person. I had rehearsed my simple few sentences the whole drive down, but of course the moment I started to speak to him the emotions over flowed. He gave me a hug and thanked me. He said he wanted to wait until he saw the "official results" and that he would call me, but I am glad I was able to tell him we were stopping treatments and thank him for all he had done.

22 comments:

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS)) I can't imagine how difficult today was for you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Tami said...

My heart just breaks for you. I hope you find a way to building your family. However it happens. Huge hugs.

Kakunaa said...

Oh, sweetie...sending you big hugs...

andreajennine said...

Momentous. Sigh.

RELH said...

*Hugs*

Veronique said...

I`m so so sad for you. I can`t imagine what you`re feeling right now. I will pray for you.

Veronique

One Who Understands said...

I hope that the pain is soon replaced by hope once again on your new journey to motherhood. I hope you can find peace and comfort leaving this part of you life behind. HUGS.

Amy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I just can't even imagine how it must feel to lose this dream. Take all the time you need to grieve and we are all here to listen.

Anonymous said...

Hillary, my heart breaks for you. But one thing is for sure...One way or another, you are going to be an awesome mom. Even though you feel broken now, you are building character for when this day comes. Praying for you until then.

Rach said...

Your sweet RE. He was really hanging on until the end, like he didn't want to believe it either.

Hope you felt some peace saying goodbye and getting rid of all the old reminders of IVF.

M3MU said...

I hope you are able to find peace and joy and excitement as you move forward and close one chapter. Lotsa hugs and prayers for you. I'm glad your RE was able to show some compassion as you told him thank you and goodbye. I wish I had been able to say goodbye and thank you to ours. Guess it's never too late.

Melissa G said...

Hillary, I am without words... So wish I could give you a big squishy hug right now.

Thinking of you, friend.

Caroline said...

Hillary,

I shed a few tears as I read this post.

You have always been gracious during the difficulties you have faced. You are sweet to thank your RE despite the outcome of your Beta.

You are right to feel sad and grief stricken as you have been through so much.

You can shut the door on this chapter of your life, and mourn your huge loss.

I don't think that this is the end of your journey to motherhood. Perhaps just the end of the first chapter and the start of a new one.

You are a beautiful person,

Caroline

Erin said...

You are not alone, I cry for you, with you...

cowgirltn said...

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I know god has something so amazing in store and I look forward to hearing what it is.

theworms said...

I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

I know you will be parents one day and all this grief will be replaced by hope and happiness.

Rachel DeBell said...

Such a hard post to read. I am so very sad for you. Sigh.... the things we will never fully understand this side of heaven. I know His plan is going to be great in bringing your family together, but I also know that its hard to imagine or believe right now. Just praying that sweet Jesus holds you EXTRA EXTRA close.

kdactyl said...

Oh Hillary...what a difficult visit that was for you. I'm so sorry it ended this way.
kd

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it away! I really feel like you will be a mom someday! Above all - know that God loves you more than anyone or anything! Sorry you feel so alone in all of this - you are not!
Bless, Bless, Bless you!

cainml said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I could go into the whole "God closing a door, but opening a window" routine, but right now, it won't help. I'm sure you will be a mother someday, somehow - and will be a good one - and I know how much this hurts right now. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you, I was really holding out hope for this last cycle. I wish that I could change the outcome for you and I will be thinking of you in the future. I just want you to know that your story helped me deal with my own infertility and made me feel that someone out there understood when I was in my darkest moments. Good luck and please keep us updated in your quest for motherhood.

jones said...

I am crying some tears with you and for you.