Friday, April 22, 2011

A door has closed

I have spent the last 6 months praying and trying to accept the possible negative result of this cycle.

But today, as I stared at the single line yet again (and for the last time ever), I wondered how one can even prepare themselves for this? It's like knowing somebody is dying, but it is still a painful shock when they die.

I will never be pregnant.

Those were the first words that flashed through my mind. I know, I know....it "could happen." But, really, I don't feel like God is asking me to hold out hope for that. I think he is closing the door of pregnancy and biological children firmly behind me. Maybe one day we will be blessed with a "surprise," but between the sense of a closing door and the fact that my husband's sperm just don't move at all, I am not waiting for it.

I will never be pregnant.

Today I begin in earnest the mourning of all of my losses. I cry as I type this, begging God to take this pain from me. I look ahead at a bleak season to come unsure of how to face this grief. Unsure how to move forward.

But I also sit here today thankful that God is with me. That he knows suffering, that he took my ultimate suffering on himself. My greatest need is provided, my hope is secure, my salvation is at hand. I don't know how to move forward, but as I weep I will look to him and trust his faithfulness.

I am here before you today as somebody who did not get what they wanted. As somebody that is every infertile person's nightmare. This journey did not end for me as I had hoped. But I still stand and say that God is good and faithful, and I will continue to trust him.

20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

Job 1:20-21

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are suffering so much, I will pray for you.

amy said...

I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine the pain and "loss" you feel. Infertility is every bit painful and I understand that first hand, but the end is something I'm not prepared for...and I respect you for what you are going through and having the strength to share it with us.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18

Heather said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find peace soon.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your losses. You obviously have a strong faith and I pray that an increased peace finds you soon. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tami said...

I heard a really wonderful quote that has helped me lately. "When God cures an ilness it is a faith-promoting experience. When He doesn't heal, it is faith-perfecting." I truly believe this experience will perfect your faith. Prayers coming your way as you grieve this loss...my heart breaks for you.

jeanna said...

I truly believe God is shining through you on this blog. You are an amazing testimony and I wish my faith was as strong as yours, but it grows everyday. I wished and hoped God would answer our/your prayers the way we wanted. I pray that very soon we will understand why He closed this door.

kkasun said...

Thinking of you and praying for God's help for you to come to peace with this.
(((((HUGS))))))

Adam and Julia said...

I am so sorry. Thinking of you and hopeful for your future. God has a plan for us all.

Rach said...

So heartbreaking. :(

It is very hard to close the door. Even though we've done just that, I still think "I'll never be pregnant." I'm not sure if that thought will ever go away. I just trust it will become less and less as time passes.

Many prayers.

Rosie said...

I have tears in my eyes just thinking of the pain you must be in. You are so strong to stay faithful to god while you are hurting so badly. Peace and comfort be yours during this grieving process. I'm thinking of you.

RELH said...

So, so sorry.

Rachel DeBell said...

:( I don't even know what to say. Tears are burning my eyes as I read your post. I love that you know that God is walking you through this, but I know sometimes it feels He has left us on our own. I am praying you feel more of His presence (and not His absence) as you grieve.

RMCarter said...

Praying with you and for you. You are very close to my heart.

A said...

Weeping with you today, Hillary. Be gentle with yourself and continue to trust that God has not abandoned you or your dream of expanding your family.

Britney said...

My heart aches for you. This is definitely a grieving process, and each person handles it differently. We have two children -- one through domestic adoption, and we are pregnant now through embryo adoption. I, too, have had to mourn the fact that we may never have a genetic child. Sure, there is still the hope that God will bless us with a surprise, but in His infinite wisdom and goodness, He may not. And I may never understand why this side of heaven, other than that infertility is the product of a fallen, broken world.
None of this is you or your husband's fault. If you believe God is closing the door, all that means is HE HAS SOMETHING BETTER. That's so hard to believe right now, but being where you are, and having come out the other side, i'm here to tell you, GOD HAS SOMETHING MORE IN STORE FOR YOU!!!

Leah said...

I am so sorry Hillary. I remember entering into the world of infertility blogs so long ago. Yours was one of the first I ever found, and have hung onto every word of yours since. Of all the blogs I follow, every outcome is drastically different. I know this outcome isn't what you wanted, and I so prayed for you and your hope for a biological child. I'm so sorry, and I wish I could take even an ounce of pain away from you.

Thinking of you, and continuing to pray for you.

Secret Sloper said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Your faith and strength in spite of your pain are beautiful to see.

I do believe this is an opening and a beginning. But today it is (or at least seems to be) an ending. And that's sad and you need to mourn it.

I truly hope you have all the happiness and joy you deserve soon.

Anonymous said...

Crying with you, Hillary, and wishing you strength to move forward

Jenna

Michele said...

Sending love and prayerfully asking God to ease your suffering on this most holy of days.

andreajennine said...

Grieving with you from afar, trusting that the One most acquainted with sorrows is grieving with you closely.

Savannah said...

I wish I could find the words to comfort. When I got hubs results back from the hospital, I didn't wait for him, I read them alone. I had to lock myself in an office and work so I could bawl my heart out. Its so hard to get to this final point. You think it should be easy to finally have an answer, to finally know why. But it doesn't make it easier. You are mourning so many things. The positive test, the pregnancy, the birth, the raising of a child you created. Then you press repeat and go through it all again each time for each child you hoped to have.
Don't hide from these feelings, they suck, but it is a loss that needs to be mourned. Sending you hugs and prayers.

lifebytheday said...

Oh Hillary. Almost as much as you, I have been hoping and praying that this day would never come to be. As someone who came so close to the closed door myself, my heart and soul absolutely ache for you. But as always, your grace and faith stagger me, and all I can say is...I am thinking of you, grieving with you, and wishing you peace to ease the pain.

Bobbi said...

This post is so brave! You are an AMAZING woman of God. To feel such pain and be able to still place God's faithfulness above it is astounding. You deserve so much good in your life, and even though that single line is a blaring reminder of what is not there, God is uncovering so much of what is there. He is not done with you yet. He has wonders in store for you, girl! I'm so sorry for your grieving, though, and will pray for healing to your broken heart.

Erin said...

I am so sorry you are going though this. It is not fair. I know that one way or another you will find the path to your child, even if it is not biological. It's none of my business but what about donor sperm or egg, or even surrogacy? Just other options, all come with pros and cons and hardships. I am not giving up on you...

keepingmyeyesonjesus said...

I am sorry that once again you are not pregnant.

Please know that God does want to bless you with children. I also believed it can never happen to me. I also believed I would never have children. Until I found out that it is totally God's will for us to have children and that He wants to bless us with them.

Let me tell you I am now 40, after almost 12 years of trying, 8 IUI's, 3 IVF's and 1 FET, 1 miscarriage, I am now 5 weeks pregnant, and I got pregnant naturally. I had a 5% chance of another IVF working. God is great and He can do miracles - nothing is impossible for Him, not male factor infertility or female factor infertility.

Now my pregnancy did just happen after we gave up or because we relaxed - I had to study God's word and learn about His promises and I had to believe that I could get pregnant naturally, and it wasn't easy, but God is faithful and although it took longer than I had hoped and I was tempted to give up more than once, God did come through for us! He is absolutely amazing, let me tell you!

Please do not give up!

Anonymous said...

I've been following your journey but never commented. I so appreciate you sharing your experience. Thank you. It has brought me such comfort while navigating the heartbreaking road of infertility and even more so now as my husband and I embark on our first round of IVF. I am saddened to read your post today and will keep you and your husband in my thoughts.

WantWait&Pray said...

My heart hurts to read this. I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you in this difficult and sad time....may you find hope in what God's plans are for you.

sara said...

oh dear friend. words cannot express my sadness. praying for your heart 100xs over. much love.

Anonymous said...

I know it doesn't help at all right now, but I do know this pain after failing five IVFs.

Last week in Sunday School we were doing a study on Christ's last 24 hours and we were talking about how, in his moment of absolute suffering, he cried out to his Father...and how that shows how human he was, how he knew such intense, enormous pain, the likes of which we cannot even comprephend. But he also got through it.

It really resonated with me...and I hesitate to even type that to you because if someone had told me that on the day of our final failed IVF I probably wouldn't have wanted to hear it....

Cry, scream, cling to your DH and grieve. You need to process this enormous loss.

But know that it will get better.
Hugs to you.

Melody said...

Hillary,
Bless your sweet heart for proclaiming God's goodness in the midst of such heart ache. I do not feel you are "giving up" but closing this chapter with knowledge that He has closed many doors and led you to this point. And it hurts. I'm so sorry. I too wish this pain would pass over you. That your dreams would be fulfilled the way you want them. I pray God moves you quickly into the next territory He wants you in and that it will include sweet waters.

tanyaslifejourney said...

So, so, so, so sorry... (((HUGS)))
Praying that God would comfort you and give you His peace as you grieve. I know it's hard to understand but He has a plan that is far better than anything you can imagine.

Melissa G said...

My hearts aches for you and the pain you feel so deeply.

Please know all my prayers are with you and your husband.

Hugs, friend.

JC said...

I'm so so sorry! I have tears reading this. =(

You are a wonderful Christian and a great testimony.

Mrs. Lydon said...

I don't think there is anyone who can take the pain away today, nothing I can think to say that will shed some beautiful light in this darkness for you today. I just want you to know I am going to pray for you, with you, that God takes this pain away soon for you and DH and replaces it with whatever hope is next for you in the journey of becoming a mommy. Because you will be one somehow, you are too amazing not to. xoxo

Sarah said...

Praying so hard for you (((Hugs)))

Melis.sa said...

Thinking and praying for you and your dh.

All I can think of to comfort you is this passage:

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Prov. 16:9, NIV)

Praying that God reveals his plan and that you can stay faithful and hopeful even when you are hurting. ((HUG))

theworms said...

I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

You and DH will be in our prayers.

evsmarie said...

Your amazing grace amidst such heartache is a testament to God's love and your faith. Blessings and love be with you during such a difficult time. I, like so many others, was hoping and praying for a different outcome. Only God knows what incredible things are in store for you and your husband! My prayers will continue.

Anonymous said...

Sweet Hillary,

My heart aches for you and your husband. This fallen, fallen world. . . it was NOT supposed to be like this!
It is Good Friday today. The beautiful, scandalous night when Christ took this fallen world upon himself. The beautiful, scandalous night that seemed so hopeless. But 3 days later HE restored HOPE and LIFE. Praying for restored hope for you as you celebrate this Easter, grieve this painful loss, and anticipate future possibilities.
Sending love and hugs.

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry hunny. You are right, it is an infertiles worst nightmare, and I am so sorry that you have to live it. My heart is so broken for you and DH.

Praying that God will comfort you and continue to guide you. I will also continue to pray that God, against all odds, will bless you with a pregnancy one day. Your faith in God is inspiring!

I really don't know the answer to the question 'Why?', but I do know that one day you will look back on this season of life and somehow, someway know that it was all worth it. ((HUGS))

AplusB said...

I am so very sorry Hillary.

gringa78 said...

I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you.

One Who Understands said...

I really think the Lord has an amazing journey ahead of you. I'm sorry this door has closed. Letting go will not be easy, but you are an amazingly strong woman! HUGS my friend.

infertilefollies said...

Hillary,
I can do no more than sit beside you in this time of mourning.
May the Lord comfort your heart. May your days and nights be filled with peace.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Amber said...

My heart goes out to you, I understand the feeling when all medical treatment fails...praying for you, and thankful you are finding comfort in the truth of Christ and who he is.

Kakunaa said...

I am so so sorry sweetie...

Robin said...

So very sorry. Will continue to pray for you, your husband and your future family. Much love.

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry for your suffering. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Ami said...

Hillary, you are just amazing. You've shown such courage in the face of such heartbreaking adversity. Your willingness to bring us all along is so brave. This is certainly not the end we were hoping for, and then again, this is not the end. :) We will continue to stand by you through whatever path you travel next. :) I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. :)

Jamie said...

I recently found your blog and have gone back and read the whole thing! We suffered from MFI too and it was hard. I am praying for you and the coming days. May God give you peace!

Anonymous said...

Hillary...

As others have said, there really are no right words. Just know that there are many praying and thinking of you.

I will share one thing that has made my journey bearable. I hope it helps, and if it instead it causes more pain, I apologize beforehand.

Infertility robbed me, as it does so many others, of so many things. I too have my "losses," and they are similar to yours. For those who are able to conceive naturally and without help, it is hard to understand the depth of the pain of knowing you will never watch your belly grow, never feel those kicks, never feel your husband's hand as he searches for the movement that is his child's; never have that early morning testing moment, with the sun easing up over the hills and flooding your home with light; never have the joy of telling your parents that it is their turn to become grandparents.

All beautiful things. All painful to consider. But as beautiful as they are, I finally came to the realization that they are momentary.

One morning I closed my eyes and realized that my life would one day end. I would wake up on the other side... and all of eternity would stretch out before me. And that thought... that there is another world out there, another life we are destined to live in the Savior's presence- stopped me in my tracks. I realized and remembered that I am securely, firmly, and safely in my Father's hand. He has a will and a plan for my life.

In the grander theme of things, in the greater picture of events... my inability to have a child is a small thing. Small not because it is not important, but because not only do I not know of what awaits me in this life, but also because I do not know what awaits me in the life after.

I guess you could say it is the idea that I believe that sometimes we operate on a very small, intimate scale. But when we step back and view the entire picture (much of which stretches out far beyond our gaze), we are humbled.

I hope the Lord brings you peace in the midst of your pain. And I thank you for brining glory to His name through your life.

-Wren

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I am so very sorry. I'm thinking of you during this hard time and understand your grief. ((hugs))

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry. I hope the next phase of family building is kinder to you.

Jessica R said...

Dearest Hillary, I am so sorry. I was waiting for this update and praying that it would be a different outcome. Your faith in the face of such incredible grief and difficulty is truly something that has fed my own faith. You are such an amazing example and I know that God will reward you in Heaven for the extraordinary faith you have shown here on earth.

Have you heard the hymn "On Eagle's Wings?" One of my favorites and worth a listen in times of grief. Truly, you are secure in the palm of His hand.

Love and hugs to you.

Angela said...

I've been following along with your weekly posts for a while now. I was just reading your TTC timeline and went back to read when you stopped treatments. Reading this post and knowing what you're going through now gives me an incredible amount of hope. I try not to give into the feelings of defeat, but it is very difficult. To know that you wrote this and then your little miracle happened is very encouraging, and very telling of God's love for us.

I couldn't be happier for you, and I cannot wait to see what is to come.