Monday, April 4, 2011

Clarification & further thoughts

Thank you for your thoughtful comments regarding my last post about the book Adopted for Life that I am reading. Each one was an encouragement and made me think - thank you.

I did want to clarify one point about the "rescuing orphans" idea. A few of you adoptive moms pointed out that you find this concept offensive, and after reflecting I have to say that I don't think this is what the author is advocating for in the book (not yet, at least - I am still only a few chapters in). I used the term in my last post, and I think that was my frustration coming out and I used words to slant what the author is saying to make a point, but I think that was unfair of me. So I apologize for that! I think the author, so far, is saying that in many cases there are children in need of families, and that we can experience the great joy and blessing of adding these children to our families - much different than "going out and rescuing orphans," which I agree does not sit right with me.

Joyce said in her comment, "I feel like one of the most difficult things about this process is that you almost have to become the world's teacher. Suddenly it becomes your job to educate every ignorant, well-meaning person in your life." Yes!!! I resonated so much with this. I have felt that way about infertility, and as I learn more about adoption I feel like this will be even more true when we decide to adopt someday. That is such a difficult role, especially when I am grieving and overly sensitive.

NLY said, "I think it's important to point out that he is also writing it from a man's perspective. My DH struggles with adoption. He wants a bio child so much he is not willing to consider other ways to start a family. He won't even consider adoption. He truly wants a "genetic heir" (his terms). Although I totally hear you and probably would feel the same way myself reading this book because I struggle with many of the same things you do (I haven't read it) I'm just thinking that it is a guys perspective on IF, which I have found to be so much more black and white, more inside the lines type of processing than what we go through as women. Maybe this is a better book for men who are struggling with adoption? " You know, I think you may be on to something here! I've been thinking about the male perspective within infertility, and realized that SO MUCH of what I am grieving is not the genetic link (although that is there, too), but more so the pregnancy, the dream I imagined that I don't think men fantasize as much about, and the many things that fall within those categories - things my husband will miss a lot less than I will. Plus, my husband does think in much more black and white terms, like you said, so this book probably would address the struggles men have with adoption a little better. I just wish the book wasn't such a guy's perspective of infertility vs. adoption, you know? :)

I'll keep you posted as I read more. I haven't picked it up since the last post, but I think I may have the emotional energy to start reading again soon.


Betty Rubble said...

I once read a flip side to his thinking...

"It once was about a child needing a its about a couple needing to have a child"

I don't think there is any good spin to put on it because someone is going to be offended...either the "needy" child who needs rescued or the "needy" infertile couple who needs to have a child...

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous...

Just a random thought about praying. God doesn't expect for us to just pray after dinner is done and we're climbing into bed...actually you could have prayed for Hillary right at that moment you were writing her a comment. I thought that was a bit harsh.

I do hope in my heart that when people say "I will pray for you" that they mean it with the best intentions and actually do pray.

Just a reminder that you can pray over anyone or anything at ANY time of the day :)

Good luck Hillary and I will pray for you...I have prayed for you before and will continue to pray for you BY NAME. I understand your struggle all too well.

A said...

i was surprised that the book advocated adoption as "rescuing orphans" because i have read so many times how that is not how adoption should be viewed. it still sounds a little slanted that way, even with your clarification, but maybe there will be some more specific discussion that will show where they're coming from.

i think you're being very brave and trusting to do this reading on adoption. i am praying that God's will for your family will be clear (HUG)