Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Seeking hope for today

First things first, I got the green light for the cycle to begin. My estrogen was high-ish like always (73), but that is below their cut-off of 80...so I started the Delestrogen last night.

It was pretty difficult being at the RE's office yesterday. So much hope, time, and money have passed through there over the last year and a half, but I realized just how little hope I have in treatments working. I don't mean that in a doubtful sort of way - I know God could indeed give us a miracle pregnancy! - but I just feel done with treatments. I think God is blessing me with confirmation in the decision to stop treatments after this cycle.

While talking with the RE, he made an off-handed comment about "if this doesn't work, we may need to talk about a laparatomy surgery to make sure there is nothing in the uterine cavity causing these good looking embryos to not implant..." And, for a moment, I wanted to go there with him. If he thinks we could keep going, maybe we should?! I wanted to hope. But as the appointment progressed, everything about it pushed me further away. The thought of another surgery, the thought of spending another penny there, the thought of another negative result...

I just knew in my heart we were done.

I am thankful for that, because needing to make that decision about when we would stop treatments was always a fear of mine. Would I ever be ready? How would we know what the Lord was leading? How could I actually stop treatments when the thought of never getting pregnant and having a child is so very painful? But yesterday, I felt peace about this decision. Thank you, God.

In the midst of the peace, there is still a lot of pain. I cried off and on yesterday. I feel thankful that we have this one more chance, but I can't help but gloss over it and look ahead to beyond it as though it was already a negative. DH has been really great about praying for this cycle on my behalf, since it is so difficult for me to offer any hopeful prayers about pregnancy. I feel hopeful in the spiritual sense, but not hopeful that God will answer this prayer with a yes, if that makes sense.

But I do have one opportunity left. God gave us these frozen eggs and an RE that is optimistic about working with us still. I don't want to wallow this opportunity away in fear and doubt. So I am praying that God would help me to focus on today and on this cycle - tomorrow will bring what it may.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34, New International Version, ©2011)

11 comments:

A said...

i am glad that God has given you peace about stopping treatments after this cycle. i am praying for you, too, and also eagerly watching how God is preparing your heart for the way He is going to expand your family (HUG)

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

I'm glad you have found peace with your fertility treatments. It is incredibly hard to decide when to stop trying. I hope your family is blessed with a miracle soon. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Angie said...

Peace is a wonderful thing, and I'm glad you've found it. May God bless your home with His finest gifts.

tanyaslifejourney said...

Matthew 6:34 is one of my favorite verses. Praying for continued peace as you continue through this cycle. God Bless.

Melis.sa said...

Peace is such a fantastic feeling!! That's how I went into my last cycle, the last one before we had our IVF consult appointment and *BAM* it happened.

I keep saying to my friends I never thought I'd be here again. I think I had accepted that after almost three years we just wouldn't be able to conceive a healthy pregnancy again. Of course I was wrong.

Praying for you and your dh this cycle!!

MyTwoLines said...

Hoping and praying for you.... And happy that you feel some sense of peace.

bodylift said...

Keep hopeful everytime. Once a day you will get success. Keep faithful.

Anonymous said...

I've followed your blog for a while but never commented before. I just wanted to let you know how much your words have ministered to me lately. Thank you for helping to remind me how much God loves us despite the mess of infertility and how He can change our hearts in profound ways.

I'm praying that you get your miracle baby soon. Whether biological or not, that child will be so very blessed to have you as his/her mother.

kkasun said...

How wonderful that you have some sense of peace.
I do hope that this cycle works though and you get your blessing.
Either way I will be thinking of you!

Mrs. Hoppy said...

It's so hard to come to this place, I understand how you are feeling. Like a weight has been lifted but it's still a very sad place to be. I'm thinking of you and not giving up hope for you that this will be your miracle!

millerofmadness said...

I felt the exact same when when were meeting with the doctor to find out if IVF was even a viable option for us. When I saw how high my FSH was, I knew we weren't to go through with it and had a peace about it, but at the same time I wanted to ball my eyes out. My last appointment with my RE I cried, and I made her cry, too. I really liked her and felt like she (and her staff) was such a cheerleader and supporter of finding our way to a biological child. It just all seemed so final when I said good bye to her. It was so sad, yet that peace was there. Some days I think "I better have a big freakin' mansion in heaven with all of this grief I'm going through here on earth!". :) I guess that peace in the midst of sadness is another way of the Lord reminding of His presence and that He is with us every step of the way. I pray this last cycle is a successful one for you.