Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Plan A

This is a quote from John Piper that I read yesterday. It made me cry (of course), and definitely put words to the complex emotions I am feeling about having children biologically vs. through adoption.

“Now I know it is sweet and uniquely precious to have children by birth, and that if you can’t, you look sometimes to adoption, so then it can feel like this is Plan B. God did not save you that way. He didn’t say, ‘Now, Plan A is to have lots of kids this way. But they blew that in the garden. So, Plan B, I’ll have to save them from slavery by adoption.’ That’s exactly not what happened. … His Plan A was, ‘I will save them at the cost of my Son that they might understand how much I love them.’ Which means, for our own experience, that we should think in terms of two uniquely precious realities. One is having children by birth. It’s unique; nothing is like it. And having children by adoption is unique; nothing is like it. You don’t need to weigh these off against each other as though one is better or worse. There are unique things that are precious and beautiful about [each]. God uses both terminology to describe how we become his children. We can think of both. And if we are moving toward adoption as our first choice or our second choice, they don’t need to be ranked like one is better or one is worse than the other. God is able to give you the grace to embrace adoption as equal to Plan A. Even if it wasn’t sequentially Plan A, it can now rank as a Plan A, equal to Plan A.” (my emphasis added)

My thoughts:

1. I started crying when I read the first highlighted part - that having children biologically are "two uniquely precious realities." Honestly, my emotions at first stemmed from the fact that I may very well never know one of those two precious realities, have the choice to know one of them, or the option to experience both of them. I feel like a two year who wants to yell, scream, stomp my foot, and say, "I want to know both! I really, really want that, Lord!"

2. I have had many adoption after infertility people say things like, "Adoption isn't Plan B or second best, it was just a different path God took us on." On a theoretically level, I got it. Yes, adoption is a beautiful gift! But in my heart, I just didn't know how it worked. So in this quote, I love the distinction that "sequentially first" doesn't mean that the "sequentially second" is a lesser option - it is more of a timing and circumstances situation.

3. I love how he says that God uses both terms to describe how we are part of his family. Love that.

15 comments:

A said...

awesome quote! where did you find it? i am so glad that it seems like you were encouraged by it (HUG)

RMCarter said...

I love this post.

Leah said...

Awesome quote. Love it. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm a mom both by birth and by adoption and having experienced both (and I know how fortunate I am), I can say that this quote is absolutely accurate! For me, adoption was as amazing, awe-inspiring, special (choose your adjective) as giving birth to a biologicasl child. I'm so excited for you that you will experience the wonder of adoption and I wish a smooth adoption journey for you.

Britney said...

Amen! As a mom to a son we adopted domestically, and a mom to a daughter we adopted through embryo adoption, i believe wholeheartedly that God has given us the very best. This was no plan B. this was the design from the start. that we "started" with trying to get pregnant does not mean that what God eventually gave us is second. If anything, it was US who had to realize WE were working on the Plan B, while God wanted to give us Plan A (adoption).

Melissa G said...

"Plan A, it can now rank as a Plan A, equal to Plan A.” ... Wow, just Wow.

It's not that I've ever felt that Adoption was inferior, just not preferential at this point. Like you - I want both...

What a beautiful post. Can I just say that it sounds like your heart is healing.

Sending you warm thoughts and stregnth!

Melody said...

Wow, awesome stuff. Not sure if you knew that they(Piper)adopted their daughter through the same agency we used. And yes, "sequential plan a" statement he made is great! That stuck out to me as well.
It's exciting to see the changes God making in your heart in regards to how you perceive adoption, how you view infertility and just sorting through the reality of it all. You are an amazing inspiration. I know that is such an old statement of mine about you but it's just so very true.
Love you and can't help but feel like this long wait is soon to show forth much fruit in a tangible form.

Christa said...

What a great quote! Thank you so much for sharing

Kelli said...

Love that! And it is so very true! Yesterday my cousin was sitting back in the recliner with her preggo belly sticking up and my grandma said something to the effect of "You would have loved to have that belly, wouldn't you, Kelli?" To which I replied, "I used to think that, but if I did, I wouldn't have Jaelyn!" My daughter is and always will be my FIRST option. I am praying for you as your hope grows and you journey closer to your final destination on the journey to motherhood! :)

Bobbi said...

I don't know if it's the estrogen supplements I'm on right now, but that made me cry too. What a BEAUTIFUL excerpt! My gosh! Isn't it amazing how words can bring you so much peace and completely change your perspective? Thinking about you as you continue on your path to motherhood. :)

MyTwoLines said...

I know you don't know me or my blog but I went through a LOT of ART (five fresh IVF cycles) before moving towards adoption. But we had always wanted to adopt, too, long before we knew we had fertility issues. We just got stuck stuck stuck on the bio baby thing, but once we moved forward with the adoption my heart just felt so at peace. I felt free again. I always think of our choice as different, but not less. And while I won't have a moment of seeing a first u/s pic, I will always have a moment of seeing my first referral photo--and it was a life changing moment just the same. When I meet my babies (next week!) in person for the first time it will be another life changing moment and will take my breath away, much like any parent the first time they meet their baby in person. Different, not less.

I know it's different for everyone, and I understand the urge to fight hard for the biological child, but I can honestly tell you that I don't regret the path we're on. Not for a single second. I didn't know I could feel so much happiness, in fact, I had forgotten what that felt like. And it feels so good to be in a good place again.

Anyhow, just wishing you some peace as you move through all of these emotions and choices.

One Who Understands said...

Love this. I think any road to baby is Plan A. It is just hard to let go of how we pictured our family growing. Trusting the Lord is all we can do. He can change our hearts.

andreajennine said...

I encountered this quote several years ago when we were making some of the same decisions. It really stood out to me, too, as such a gracious way of looking at the options for adding to a family.

Anonymous said...

You are amazing, a true example of a Godley woman.
Whatever path brings you there, you will be a great Mom.
I am praying that this is your month ( april )..that God gives you the miracle of a healthy pregnancy. I pray that because it is the desire of your heart ( i can tell )...
When you get pregnant next month ( April ) I will be the first to tell you; "I told you so"

millerofmadness said...

You and I are almost in the same exact place, although I stopped fertility tx a few months ago and am about 10 yrs older than you. I have felt the exact same feelings you have. EXACTLY. I can't decide if misery loves company or if it's just nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I don't know how many times I've begged God for at least one of our own and I'll adopt as many as He wants me to adopt.

Anyway, as I'm reading your posts and see myself in them. Thank you for sharing.