Friday, March 18, 2011

Mental chaos

I got sucked into the internet today. Sort of like when you're in the early stages of infertility and you go to Dr. Google and read all sorts of scary stuff and get freaked out....remember those days?

Yeah, I got sucked into the adoption blog land.

I don't even really know what to say about it all, but my mind is racing and I feel incredibly unsettled.

In an ideal world (and the way I believe God originally created the world), adoption wouldn't exist, right? Mothers would not get pregnant in difficult circumstances and would be able to raise their children. They would have the support and resources they need. In an ideal world, children wouldn't lose their first parents and have to experience that pain. In an ideal world, couples would be able to have children biologically.

But we live in a broken and sinful world. Because in an ideal world, there also wouldn't be death, disease, poverty, hunger, abuse, lying, broken relationships, anger, etc, etc, etc. And in this broken world there ARE women who cannot care for the children, there ARE children who lose their parents through adoption, and there ARE couples who cannot conceive. What do we do in this world? There are people who are completely anti-adoption who think there just needs to be more "support" out there for women in difficult situations....but I just think that is too idealized and impossible. But I also wonder if there are too many women out there who do make an adoption plan for their child when perhaps they could parent...but are facing some kind of societal/family/situational pressures not to? There are adult ad.optees out there who said they would have rather been aborted than heart breaks.

How does one build their family through others' loss? And as one blogger I read pointed out, all forms of adoption are this, even if you do not have to have to face the birth mother's grief directly (ie international adoption). And the child. There is always this "better for the child" mentality in adoption, but when is it really better for the child? When the county decides it is unsafe? When a woman feels she cannot parent? When she thinks a two-parent home is better? How can we even answer these questions? I do think adoption can be better for the child, but I just think the actual deciding factors can be quite nebulous.

I know many people don't understand how God can be in control in a world where there is so much suffering....and I have tried to wrestle with this and express my thoughts on it through the lens of infertility. I do believe God can do amazing things through in this broken world, including through adoption. But I also wonder if we Christians can over-simplify things to not acknowledge all that is going on in adoption...I know I am very tempted to. On the flip side, I think the general population out there may not have HOPE in the God who does work all things for his glory and for good....even within the complexities of adoption.

I want to be informed, empathetic, and realistic. But right now I want to stick my head in the sand and ignore this broken world around me. And I am freaked out at the idea of ever being an adoptive mom.

*I know this post is all over the place. I know I just need to STOP reading things for a little while and take a step back so I gain some perspective. I almost don't want to publish it, but I decided I want this to be an honest place. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has freaked out over the pain associated with all three sides of adoption.

**I also know I am NO expert on anything to do with adoption. These are rather uniformed reactions to some stuff I read over the last couple days.

***Through reading the adoption blogs I know there are people out there with really strong (and sometimes hateful) opinions about these topics. If you post a comment that for whatever reason I don't feel comfortable with, I will not publish it. This is my space and not an open web forum.


kkasun said...

The adoption blogs can be overwhelming. It is sad, because no matter how joyous an occassion for the adoptive family, there is still loss and pain involved.
I do think that in the right circumstances adoption is one of the most beautiful choices people can make.
I hope you can sort everything out in your head, so you get to a place that makes sense for you (whether choosing adoption or not).
Thinking of you!

Bobbi said...

This post is sooooo well-written. We DO live in a broken, sinful world, in which idealized, perfect situations do not exist. But, in every situation, God reigns, and be it adoption or infertility pain, God will prevail. Adoption is such a tricky thing because, yes, it's for the good of the child, but there is always that question of if it really is? We just gotta pray for God's guidance in it all, hoping for His wisdom. Sorting out all those emotions and questions in your head has got to be hard and the internet is a dangerous place to help you get your bearings. Oh my...darn that internet!!! :)

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

I usually lurk on your board but just wanted to post and say I'm keeping you in my thoughts. I wish you only the best on your journey forward. You deserve your miracle and you are going to make a wonderful mother.

Anonymous said...

I too have read the blogs and seen the comments regarding adoption. Adoption is like any other topic you can think of, everyone is going to have an opinion, and not all of them are going to be nice. But just as you accept that we live in a broken world, you have to remember that not everyone is "good". I am sure that there are birth mothers who would have make great moms but there is a reason that even those mothers chose adoption for their child. It may not seem like a "good" reason to others, but to that mom it was the best choice. And sadly, there are others who never would have been a mother to their children. Either way, those women have already made their decisions. Right, wrong, or indifferent, they are not going to raise their child. I think that being an adoptive parent means that you have CHOSEN (been chosen) to give that child the love that their birth mother felt she could not. There are always going to be people who say negative things about any and every subject, but you can't let their opinions sway your deciion. Women are going to continue to place their children for adoption whether you decide to adopt or not. Being an adoptive parent doesn't mean you are going to be asking someone to give you their baby, you are going to be loving a baby that someone else felt like they couldn't.
(I am in no way trying to talk you into adopting. The things I have said are strictly my opinion and not meant to persuade or upset anyone)

millerofmadness said...

I was reading your post and was struck with your comment about how the joy of adoption is also fraught with pain for someone. It is so true of when the Lord adopted us, as well! We can see the beauty, we are the Lord's chosen, but in that beauty, there was God's pain of sending His Son for us. That's a side I had not thought about much before. Thank you for bringing it up.

I also understand your being overwhelmed, as well. Again, feel the same way. If you can do it, the Together for Adoption conference is wonderful. We went in Austin this past fall and it was great. I was surprised at all of the people that were there that had families already...and was a tad disappointed there weren't more there in the same situation as I was. But, I was so glad we went. My husband and I were able to get a lot of wonderful information and it was also a wonderful time of worship.

Anyway, probably got more info than you wanted. :) Praying for God's peace and direction for you.

Rachel DeBell said...

I think about that saying "Ignorance is bliss", and i have never truly understood why people would say that. That is until I started working in adoption. And then now that we've had to personally sort through the questions of IF treatment, its boundaries, our morals etc. and not knowing just how we will become parents, I long to return to the days of ignorance!

I know we will all be better for it....pushing through, doing our research, weathering the storms, asking the questions. But it sure sucks in the meantime! For the weekend, I'd like to be next to you with my head in the sand as well! See ya there. :)

Anonymous said...

Hillary, I really enjoy your blog and have never posted until now.

May I just make an observation? It is in no way intended to offend in any way. I'm just getting this sense that you're trying to talk yourself into being happy and enthused about adopting, but it's not really where you are right now. I think it's probably stressing you out even more.

Maybe you should just do nothing with adoption for a while. I think you'll know it's the right direction to go when you feel genuinely excited to move that way, and right now, in spite of your best efforts to put on a happy face, you don't. You are young and you have many years to adopt . . . it may be best to just not do anything for a while and see what happens and how you feel.

Again, just one person's opinion . . . wishing you all the best.

One Who Understands said...

I am having similar feelings about adoption. I read a book recently titled "Inconceivable" by Shannon Woodward. I would like to share this book with you. (If you haven't already read it)

I did want to say that I believe that the world is broken for our benefit. How can we know true happiness without pain. How can we know pure joy without sorrow. God gave us these trials and sufferings to learn compassion and understanding toward our fellow man. This life is all about learning and growing. Sometimes it is SO painful. But I believe with all my heart that God would not give us the gift of infertility if he didn't feel we would profit from it.

I pray for you my friend. We are both coming to the same crossroad and it is so hard.

Anonymous said...

I feel like Cher from Moonstruck and want to slap you and say snap out of it! Not really, but I do want you to relax and focus your energy on your upcoming cycle. Allow yourself to feel good about that, even though you have been hurt and disappointed in the past. Explore adoption if and when it feels right, but doing both at once seems like a tremendous emotional burden. Be patient with yourself as you move through the coming weeks and months. I hope I haven't offended you. I admire and respect you tremendously and know you will be a wonderful mother one day.