Monday, March 14, 2011

The land of in-between

Thank you for all of your comments and emails about my analogy last week! I feel like that was a huge turning point for me in my own thinking about loss/grief/adoption/hope and how they can be linked, and I am thankful many of you found it helpful as well.

I think because I felt so much sadness and pain at our inability to conceive, I felt unworthy to adopt. This has been an on-going issue in my heart that I have posted about before, but I think that analogy lifted that burden a little....which has led me to think more about adoption. And, honestly, I felt a small glimmer of hope. Hope that we will have a family. But right alongside that hope came yet another wave of grief seeking to knock me down. It is so difficult to take any steps forward when it just hurts to much.

And then there is the frozen cycle right around the corner. I stopped paying attention to where I am in my cycle, but I would guess that my period will be here in about a week. One week?!?! One week until the madness begins again? One week until we begin the last cycle we will (most likely) ever do? And that's about four-six weeks until our fate is sealed.

On the one hand, just thinking about cycling, another two week wait, and the finality of it all already fills me with anxiety. I feel like I need to do it for closure, but I also confess that I do not have much hope that it will work. I am expecting a negative. As one sweet friend told me, she is praying for a miracle for us when we just don't have the hope to pray for that anymore. And I confess that I do not.

Perhaps because of this lack of hope...or because I want a "next step" to move forward....or because I have made some progress in my own healing to think with a glimmer of hope about adoption....but I think I am already "moving on" towards adoption. I have read a little online, and I am *this close* to reading an adoption book. And this weekend I felt relatively good about it. This morning, not so much.

See, it's really difficult to make any progress with that grief monster that I mentioned earlier lurking.

I feel like I am in the strangest land of in-between hopes, dreams, and expectations. We are about to embark on our last fertility treatments while simultaneously starting to think more seriously - and hopefully - about adoption. At least I will be a tiny bit more prepared for whatever the outcome is of our frozen cycle.

14 comments:

RMCarter said...

I agree with your friend, we’ll all be hopeful, and pray for a miracle for you. You are in my prayers continuously.

Heather said...

H- you KNOW I know what you are feling. Even though I am feeling hope about embarking on surrogacy.....there is always a possibility it wont work an then our fate is sealed also.

I am praying that this cycle is yours!!! It will be your happy ending and your happily ever after! Bless you sweet girl!

tanyaslifejourney said...

I'm right there with you in the land of in-betweens. And I completely understand what you mean about doing another cycle even though you don't have hope that it will work. I'll also pray that this is it for you.

A said...

i am also praying for a miracle for you, especially when you are feeling like you dont have the strength. i know that God is faithful and does have a beautiful plan for your family (HUG)

Anonymous said...

Remember God is in the business of miracles! I will be praying this is the time for yours!
I really think April is your month.
Praying for you!

Lisa said...

Will be praying for GOD's peace over whatever you and your husband decide to do AND of course, for your frozen cycle :)

4D Ultrasounds said...

GOD is always there
be blessed dear

Leah said...

I know what you mean about feeling in between. That's how I felt the entire time of infertility treatments. I hope that hope wins out for you though, and that you can continue to find it.

cowgirltn said...

Another blog I follow ended up doing the Circle and Bloom meditation series for her last IVF. It was her 3rd fresh and was so lost she decided to give it a try. She said it was such a great help to lifting her spirits and filled her with hope. Just a thought...She is now 19 weeks pregnant with twins.

ceecee867 said...

De lurking... My heart just breaks for you... but you have an underlying thread of steel inside you.... Could I suggest something?? While you're going through the FET cycle... why not contact an adoption agency and find out what you need to do to start the process...and start it... I think that it would serve a couple of purposes.. divert your attention a bit regarding your treatment... and kind of give you a leg-up in the process.... just a thought :) God Bless you both

Melody said...

I think @CeeCee867 makes a good point if you feel you can do two things at once. I struggled with being able to do that. I was one thing at at a time girl but I wasted no time at getting on the adoption paper work when our last IVF cycle ended in a non-pregnancy.

Rachel DeBell said...

BLECH!! I hate the in between and it seems we are forever stuck here. I think I will always feel two things at once: thankful for infertility/ sad about infertility, thrilled about moving forward/dreading what lies ahead, etc. But the worst part is just waiting, not doing anything, anticipating the madness to come.

So I will be praying for you in the next few days as you wait and as you actually begin IVF again. PLEASE sweet Jesus, give our friend the miracle she has hoped for, prayed for, and deep down still believes in!

Frozen Egg Bank Mom said...

I'm sorry to hear that you have the grief monster visiting you now. I feel that so many of us are visited by the grief monster but we have to keep our heads up. I try to surround myself with positive people that help keep my spirits up. Good luck with your next procedure and I look forward to continuing with you on your journey. It might seem like a dark endless tunnel but you'll see the light soon.

Kelli said...

I love you girl. I am praying for you and the upcoming FET, the decisions about adoption, and peace for you and your dh as you continue your journey toward parenthood. God is right there with you...be encouraged! :)