Thursday, March 17, 2011

Action in the Land of In Between

As I mentioned a few days ago, we are emotionally in-between fertility treatments and adoption. It is an unusual place because I feel utter grief AND hope at the same time - how those two emotions can sit side-by-side I do not know, but they do. I think since we are still in the super early stages of thinking about adoption (and I mean early), so the grief outweighs the hope most days. But the hope is trickling in, and we are moving forward in both worlds (finally).

The Land of Fertility Treatments:


My Frozen Egg Cycle should be starting very soon. We have 3 mature eggs frozen, and 6 immature eggs that the embryologist thinks could result in 2 out of 6 matured in the lab - so a potential total of 5 eggs. DH & I have yet to discuss and decide if we will fertilize all 5. We have fertilized 3 in the past, but had decided to do 4 in our last fresh cycle. However, that cycle they only retrieved 3 mature eggs so it ended up being 3 again. I think DH was actually relieved by this, so I don't know if he will be on board about fertilizing 5....but I am hoping to. We'll see.

My RE mentioned the possibility of doing a 'natural' FEggT in which I track for ovulation and come in for the transfer at that time, instead of using estrogen to suppress my cycle and then adding progesterone to artificially mimic ovulation. We haven't fully discussed it, but what do you think? Are there benefits to doing it 'naturally'? I do have 'regular' cycles in terms of ovulation, and my only concern in my 'natural cycles' is low progesterone during the Luteal Phase - but I am sure I could be on PIO at that point even if we did it 'naturally.' However, despite my 'regularity' I just don't trust my body anymore, and I am scared that going natural and tracking my own ovulation via OPKs would be really stressful - and what if I got it wrong?! So unless there is a benefit, I am leaning towards using the meds. Suggestions?

The Land of Adoption:


Some of you have suggested starting the process of applying to an agency while doing the frozen cycle, so that if it is negative we can move forward right away. I am all for this idea, and I think we would feel like jumping ahead as soon as possible. However, this logistically doesn't work because we have not done enough research and reading to decide what type of adoption we want to do and what agency/ facilitator/ lawyer we would apply with. I want to prayerfully research that a TON. Maybe we could come to that decision fairly quickly - perhaps during the FEggT? - but at this point I still feel pretty clueless.

One huge step that we are taking in this area is to go to an adoption seminar that my church is hosting this Saturday. I am both looking forward to going and learning more, but I also feel some anxiety about being there. This will be the first time we are publicly showing that we are considering adoption, and this may open the flood gates of people asking questions. Also, most people who I know who will be there have children biologically and are considering adoption to add to their families...and I just don't feel like I fit in with them, you know? Like they are "Yay adoption!" and I am more like, "Yay adoption! But I also need to go weep in a corner!"...

Unfortunately we can't stay for the who thing since we have a youth event we are helping to lead the same day, but we signed up to go to a panel on Foster-Adopt and hear a lawyer speak about private domestic adoption...which are the two paths we are leaning towards. I hope we get to hear at least some of both.

One thing DH and I are certain about is that adoption will be a part of our lives, so anything we do now will not be "wasted" if I did, miraculously, conceive as a result of the FEggT. We do not feel like we could or would ever want to fertility treatments again, so whether we adopt all of our children or some of our children... we will adopt at some point. Which is pretty exciting.

9 comments:

Rach said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melody said...

Yeah, that's totally exciting! Hope the adoption coference is helpful and that you won't have to answer too many questions over and over again from other yay-rah adoption atendees.

Ami said...

How exciting to have reached some decisions! I am just so excited for your future! Keep smiling! You continue to amaze me!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a good plan, Hillary. In terms of the natural vs. medicated cycle, I opted for a medicated FET for the reasons you mentioned... particularly because I didn't want the added pressure of determining ovulation on my own. It was not bad at all, much less involved than the whole course of IVF. I wish you the best whichever path you choose and will be thinking of you in the coming weeks.
Jenna

Missy said...

I understand the hesitation to do a natural cycle. You want to get the transfer exactly right in terms of timing and the best way to be certain of that is to control the hormones in your body.

As for moving on to adoption, it took us a whole month of doing online research, attending information sessions (group and individual), and talking to people by phone to decide on the path for us. It was also very stressful for a few weeks before we settled on the path that is right for us. So I would advise not doing much unless things like the conference at your church happen to come up until the cycle is over to avoid stressing yourself out. I am still hoping this cycle works for you, but the last thing you would want is a BFN to come while you are also stressing about your adoption path.

Masha said...

I found your blog through other IF ones. I wish you well with the tough choices you are facing. My situation has been backwards - adoption heartache after 15 months, tens of thousands and realizing back to square one. As I was at the doctor for a home study update medical, he turned the tables and supported the decision to find an RE that may be willing to help rather than just chalk me off as too high risk.

I was going the international adoption route and just assume you are considering domestic? If there are any questions or if you would like to chat, feel free to drop me a line. As I have learned, slowly, steadily, surely... :)

waiting for baby said...

Right there with you. Yay Adoption...but I need to go weep in the corner...
perfect

millerofmadness said...

I'm another one in the "Yea Adoption! I need to go weep..." category, as well. I've finally "accepted" the fact we'll never have a bio-child and wonder if the grief (and jealousy, and bitterness) will ever go away, but do have a feeling of hope about foster care/adoption.

I'm sure you'll get lots of suggestions and advice about adoption agencies, lawyers, etc. When looking at the options, don't discount adopting from the foster care system. The adoption fees are almost nothing (the most I've ever heard is like $250) and there is SUCH a need for kids right here in our backyards to have a home. Last statistic I saw was that there were 150k kids in the foster system waiting to be adopted. My husband and I are beginning that process. I'm wondering what the Lord has in store for us!

Prayers and love to you in your journey. God is faithful.

andreajennine said...

I was medicated for our FEggT, and I'm glad I was. I also had low prog during some natural cycles. My body responded well to the FEggT meds (better than it did to full IVF meds). How did you do on your previous frozen egg cycle?