About a year after moving in - which was also about a year after we started trying to conceive - we painted what we called the "extra room," but was really the nursery. The nursery that we very much wanted it to be. I painted it with hope that I would soon be filling it with a crib and colorful decor, and chose a mocha color that looked non-nursery enough to paint before I was pregnant, but could be a nice backdrop for a well decorated nursery. We now call it the "brown room," although it is still the nursery in my heart.
Out of all of these rooms, the only one we left unpainted - and was rather ugly - was our tiny master bathroom. At first it was simply because we were too tired of painting and home projects to start, and we were the only ones who ever saw it anyway. As time passed we also realized just how small, old, and unpleasant our master bath is, and started dreaming of a full-fledged bathroom remodel. Simultaneously, we also began fertility treatments. I had been saving money ever since we had begun trying to conceive out of fear that it would come to this - every work bonus, gift, or tax refund that came our way was now in a nice little account I called "our baby bucks fund."
Fertility treatments began, and we spent the first large chunk out of our baby bucks account. We had saved enough for two fresh IVFs, and expected a little more money to come in the next six months to do a third. So as I spent the money on the first IVF, I secretly hoped that we would get pregnant from our first IVF....and then be able to use the extra money in the baby bucks account to do a modest bathroom remodel.
Five ART cycles later, the baby bucks account is as empty as my womb. I am so, so thankful we had that money to even try - I know many couples do not - and that we are very fortunate to have been able to afford infertility treatments. I do not regret spending that money because we had to try, although I also cringe when I do think about having nothing to show for it.
Two weeks ago I entered our master bathroom and began to scrub and clean. And as I did so, I realized all over again how much I don't even like the space, and had the fleeting dream of a remodel again. But just like a baby is not in our near future, neither is a bathroom remodel. Isn't it strange how many things I can link to our infertility? As I scrubbed, this bathroom symbolized our barren bank account, which is intricately tied into my empty womb. And I hated the bathroom.
President's Day arrived and brought with it a three day weekend, and DH and I tackled our bathroom. We could not pay for a full remodel, but we could afford a can of paint. We could not tile a shower, but I could get a pretty shower curtain to cover up the avocado green shower surround. And so, 3 days and $300 later, we finished our bathroom face lift.
It's hard to photograph the tiny room, but I think you can tell it is a much cleaner and happier feeling room now. :) It is a light, light olive green, although it looks almost white in the picture. We're really happy with it and it was a fun project to do together.
I feel like I am in the process (a very long and difficult process) of letting go of my dreams of pregnancy and normalcy in how we build our family. I think by finally doing something with the bathroom, I moved a tiny step forward. Things might not work out exactly as I had dreamed, but our bathroom is still pretty nice. We have much to be thankful for.