Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Welcome 2011?

The start of the new year has been much more difficult than I expected. How does one celebrate a figurative new beginning and fresh start when the year ahead looks much like the year prior? And the year before that? And the year before that? And, really, the year ahead looks like it could be even more painful?

I know how pessimistic that sounds. Yes, this next year could be one of great joy for a multitude of reasons - why, there could even be a baby of some shape or form by the end of it. But as that ball dropped on New Year's Eve I could not hope for that elusive baby.

Instead, I logged on to Facebook and saw DH's twenty-six year old friend's status: "After holding (my sister's baby) in my arms, (my twenty-one year old) wife informed me that I wanted to have a baby. She then told me she could help make that happen." And 2011 then loomed ahead of me as a year filled with pregnancy announcements. Pregnancy announcements, tears, jealousy - I don't want to be that person. I want to look forward to the year ahead, but I just can't. At least not today.

I know it is small - and I should be praying for much bigger things - but my main prayer these past four days has been that God would give me strength for the pregnancy announcements ahead. I feel them coming, but I don't feel strong enough to bear it.

DH's words of comfort? Stop using Facebook. I think there is some wisdom to that, but then I imagine not hearing the news via Facebook and instead finding out about somebody's pregnancy in a public place....so maybe Facebook is my friend?

And at least I can "hide" people there.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

my heart really does break for you!
how hard all of this must be! When I get to heaven, it is one thing I will ask God - why are there so many wonderful people who would make great parents yet can't have a baby - and there are so many people who abuse and mistreat children that have a house full - it makes no sense to me..
Hang in there - don't give up, I still really believe April is your month - this time next year, I see you holding a newborn in your arms..I pray with all my heart I am right!!

bakeryclosed said...

Oh, it's horrible when it's the really young people, isn't it? They all seem to get pregnant by blinking, and it makes me wonder if I missed my chance when I was in high school/college and had no interest in babies yet.

I solemnly swear that I will NOT be making one of the pregnancy announcements haunting your 2011. But I hope you make one of the ones haunting mine.

Love to you & DH.

andreajennine said...

Oh, Hillary, I remember those New Year feelings so well. And the dread of pregnancy announcements - I clung to 1 Cor. 10:13 and Phil. 4:11-13 to get me through those announcements and showers and the like. Praying for you!

Missy said...

Oh, I'm sorry. I've also been there and then felt even worse for hoping that friend finds getting pregnant not so easy.

runnyyolk said...

I'm this close to hiding one of my best friends because she is constantly Facebooking about her baby. It's incessant. I almost can't take it anymore.

Melody said...

I'm so sorry, Hillary. It is so hard to be joyful and happy for others after such a long time of waiting, hoping and trying to conceive. Maybe DH is right about fb...at least for a while? Love ya friend.

One Who Understands said...

I feel the same way about this year. Bleak. FB is your friend because you can prepare for the announcements. You can always show less of the women that are pregnant too. Hugs my friend. May this year be filled with love and happiness for you.

One Who Understands said...

I feel the same way about this year. Bleak. FB is your friend because you can prepare for the announcements. You can always show less of the women that are pregnant too. Hugs my friend. May this year be filled with love and happiness for you.

Michelle said...

Funny. That's my husband's wise words of wisdom as well! I always get "upset" when I hear of people's status updates. My favorite was his cousin's complaining that she doesn't get paid for this stressful job of being a mom of 2 young children. Hello, that would be my dream job, even if it was for no pay. I casually mentioned that on her post. I don't think she got it, but it made me feel better!! :0)

I pray that this year brings happiness for you and me both!!
Love ya!

Mellow said...

Praying that your heart finds joy...very soon. I pray you also find strength to face whatever mountain you must climb. You are close to my heart, and always in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hillary, i got this off of http://jillmccloghry.blogspot.com/'s and haven't stopped believing it for myself. Hope it speaks to you and renews your hope.Iam claiming this promise for myself this year.
"Genesis 1:1-2
'The Beginning"
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless & empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep & the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

God-the absolute beauty that there was nothing, and you were there, in an earth that was unformed : barren : desolate : empty : Your beautiful Spirit was hovering ... You were THERE my beautiful God... out of nothing you created. I look at the beauty of this earth - every flower and tree, the vast expanse of the ocean and I am so overwhelmed that in Your glorious & wonderful imagination You formed all that i see. My whole being springs to joy & life; knowing that even in the seemingly barreness of my womb Your Spirit is hovering_waiting_to create... You are imagining the child that is to come, with Your wild and beautiful imagination, You ARE creating_TRULY_You make the barren woman sing_You bring Life_and healing.:::::::::::::::


Something about this verse - i just saw the pieces of my soul - where i am waiting for all these dreams - that even where it seems empty and unformed and just a dream - that the Spirit is hovering... creating... and the expanse of what He can create is ENDLESS... BOUNDLESS...

and i feel He is saying to us this morning:::

I AM HOVERING ...master of a craft .. an artist with brush in hand ... dreaming up the glorious thing(s) that i am about to create... don't underestimate that I know no bounds"

Leah said...

Thinking of you Hillary. And I really hope that 2011 plays out differently for you.

A said...

I agree with your DH- ditch facebook! Haha :) IF is not the only reason I dont' have an account on there, but it surely is a reason. After all my "friend" drama this past fall, I have come to the conclusion that if someone is actually my friend, they will tell me compassionately and carefully by phone or email or even in person. I will join you in your prayer for strength (HUG)

Heather said...

I rarely comment on blogs when I don't know the author in real life. But your story breaks my heart. I hope that one way or another you can find peace in 2011.

Amber said...

Totally understand. I actually am no longer on facebook for this reason. I am at a point in my life where I protect myself and put myself first, if that means avoiding people that are pg, I did that too! Protect yourself! I do enjoy blogging soooo much more than facebook!
Praying that God will move in your life in amazing ways this year, and you'll never have another new years where you will have to deal with these feelings!

Rambler said...

I think the difficulty is that is you don't see something on Facebook, you'll still hear of it later. I heard yet another pregnancy announcement about someone yesterday, it was breezily brought up a third person in conversation "Oh, and then we were hoping to go camping together in June but E's pregnant and that's her due date!".

Sigh, I know how it is. And I know how it feels to make what feels like the same promise/resolution year after year and it comes up empty.

I'm sorry, I wish it was a different experience.

Sara said...

Facebook can be an interesting thing. Usually once I see that someone is pregnant or starts posting a lot about it I end up hiding them. As bad as that sounds it's more about self preservation than not wanting to be involved in their lives.

Jen said...

I've been reading for some time now... and want you to know my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing what you have, your words have meant a lot to me... I also just started my blog as a result of being inspired by so many that I have been "lurking" on. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hope that 2011 is your year:)