Monday, January 31, 2011

Meltdown culmination

After the upsetting news on Friday that surgery will cost us a fair amount out of pocket, I felt incredibly emotional and fragile the rest of the day. Were we making the right decision? Should we do the surgery? Is it worth it? What if the doctor gets in there and doesn't find anything that needs fixing? Will it even matter if we only end up doing one more treatment cycle? Should we even do one more treatment cycle? Maybe we should do more treatment cycles?

I was a mess. I honestly don't feel much peace about any option before us. Treatment, adoption, waiting and doing nothing...every single one fills me with anxiety. What should we do, Lord?

I told DH that night about the cost, and as expected his first reaction was to cancel the surgery. He said things like:

Let's not do the surgery.

I'm so sick on infertility treatments.

I'm tired of spending money on this stuff.

Maybe we should just stop here and move on to adoption.

That last one, of course, made my tears spill over. I sat there quietly crying, trying to absorb it. Should we? Could I? DH sat quietly and waited, too. Finally, I told him I didn't know if I could do that yet. I guess somewhere deep down I am still holding out hope for pregnancy. Or, at least, it is still too painful for me to face accepting we will never get pregnant.

DH said he wanted to see what my reaction was - he wondered if maybe I was ready - but that clearly I'm not. Immediately he softened and told me the root of all his frustration is watching me hurt after each failed treatment. He wants it to end so I can stop hurting. I asked him if he felt ready to adopt, and he said no. We just feel stuck in a hard place.

Throughout this conversation, my crying became harder and more intense. DH held me as we laid in bed and I cried. He said things like:

You are so strong.

It hurts me so much to see you hurting.

I admire your strength.

I know it hurts but I see you trusting God. Thank you for trusting God.


DH held me while I cried, and then prayed that God would give us direction. He said we should do the surgery and do the frozen egg cycle as we had originally planned, because that was "the plan" and it makes the most sense out of anything. He then wiped my face, turned the water on for a shower, and made me some tea. I am so blessed and thankful to have him.

20 comments:

runnyyolk said...

That's so sweet--I know the hardest part for my husband is seeing how much this affects me. I can imagine that making that final decision to adopt would be a very difficult one. I think about it more and more all the time, but I'm not sure I'm ready either.

runnyyolk said...

That's so sweet--I know the hardest part for my husband is seeing how much this affects me. I can imagine that making that final decision to adopt would be a very difficult one. I think about it more and more all the time, but I'm not sure I'm ready either.

Leah said...

My heart breaks for you Hillary. Your husband sounds amazing though, and I'm so happy that you two have each other to experience this with.

jeanna said...

Your husband is right, you are so strong. I will pray that God gives you the guidance that you crave.

Rach said...

I am so sad for your struggle. I'm really glad you have such a wonderful supportive husband. Really thinking about you through all this.

Rachel DeBell said...

Hilary, sounds like everyone I know was having a rough weekend! I am so so sorry about this. I hate all parts of infertility, but the money issues seem to be my least favorite. I am praying for you. I am glad you guys are moving forward with your planned cycle. Praying for your surgery and praying for your miracle!

Melissa G said...

I'm thankful you have such a wonderful hubby too. Tell him to give you an extra hug for me, k?

I'm so glad you're both on the same page for the surgery and next treatment plan, I know all of this is excruciating.

Sending you warm thoughts.

Britney said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this wilderness season. ; (

RMCarter said...

What a blessing your hubby is. I am so sorry it is so hard. I did surgery a few years ago, cost me a couple thousand dollars, and they found nothing. But at least I knew. That lessened the blow (just a little).

I pray your decisions will come quickly and with clarity.

Anonymous said...

What a loving and supportive DH you have! I am sorry for your pain and remember being there myself not too long ago. Try to stay focused on your plan, it is a good one, and take the burden of other major decisions (adoption, ending treatment, etc.) off the table for right now, cross that bridge if/when you need to. One foot in front of the other... I am thinking of you.

Jenna

Jem said...

What a sweetie your husband is. You have to trust your gut, trust in g-d. You will do the right thing.

Anonymous said...

Your plan sounds good - give it a try..hope and believe!
I will pray

Kelli said...

Such a sweet hubs you have. Keep holding each other close through the tough times and one day you will be holding each other crying tears of joy.

HUGS!

Aussie Girl said...

Praying for you both. I'm so glad you have each other.

Rosie said...

Don't give up Hilary! God has something in store for you and your husband. When you're ready it will be there for you. I have no doubt you will be a mother someday. Sorry you are hurting so much. It hurts me to see you hurting like this. Stay strong, hold tight to that wonderful husband of yours. Huggs to you!

A said...

Hillary, I am praying my heart out for you guys right now. It is so difficult to feel like you have no direction to move towards...I was honestly just there a few weeks ago, even though now that may seem like a hollow encouragement. Hang in there, I know that God hears your prayers (HUG)

Also, I gave you an award on my blog- come check it out!

Kakunaa said...

It is so hard to know what is the best move. I stick to the feeling that if your gut isn't telling you it's time to change direction, then it's not. HUGS. Glad you have such wonderful support.

Anonymous said...

As I read your words it is exactly how I feel. I dont know which path to take it. Its so hard. Ill continue to pray for you!

Jennifer

bakeryclosed said...

"He then wiped my face, turned the water on for a shower, and made me some tea."

I love it. I love that you have a man like this. I love that I have a man like this. You ARE strong, but it is so nice to be taken care of too.

Indy said...

I just wanted to share this verse with you: Ecclesiastes 3:11.

May the Lord guard your heart, grant you peace and joy in the midst of this uncertainty.