Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Green light

The Frozen Egg Cycle is - surprisingly - a go.

After finding out my estrogen was high and talking about it with the nurse yesterday, I figured I was out for this cycle. However, after doing a re-check on my estrogen today the RE said the level stayed about the same, so we could move forward with the frozen cycle. Anybody know why it's ok since the E2 stayed about the same?

Anyway, I still feel pretty numb about it. I did feel a small jolt of happiness to know we get to start now, so I guess deep down I was hoping we would get to cycle.

Deep breaths, lots of prayers, and here we go....

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Home and it's cycle day 3

Thank you for all of the well wishes - we had a fabulous week at camp!! Seeing God work in the lives of teens is one of the most refreshing breaks from infertility I can imagine. I was so blessed to be there, and love my girls! They are 16 now. :)

In other news, today is cd 3 and I went in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work to begin my frozen egg cycle. I just got the call that my estrogen was high (89), so the RE wants me to wait to start the estrogen, repeat the blood test on Tuesday, and we will go from there. I'm not really sure what he is hoping to see on Tuesday, or what will happen if things still don't look right.

I feel completely numb about starting the cycle. Not hopeful, really, but I do want to start. However, thanks to the numbness I don't really care if we start the cycle today, Tuesday, or whenever. It will happen when it happens.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Off to summer camp

Signing off for a few days here as we head out to summer camp with our church's high school youth group.

I know I have said this before, but I am sorry I have not been commenting as much lately. I keep hoping I will get back in the swing of things, but for some reason blogging and commenting have been more difficult lately. I have seen a number of other bloggers over the last year and half who get to this point somehow...this distancing from the blog world...and now I get it. I don't really know why exactly I am feeling like this, but in the mean time please know I am thinking of you all, reading along, and praying for your cycles, pregnancies, or new lives as parents.

Not that you need my permission, but I also understand if you want to stop reading and/or commenting. My blog isn't really one that will give many of you hope in regards to fertility treatments, and I know the tone of my posts has been pretty down - not exactly a fun combo. I have valued your support along the way but I don't expect it from you.

Anyway....have a great week, and when I get back we will hopefully be starting our frozen egg cycle. Take care!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Celebrating

Our wedding cake - what's a celebration without cake? :)


Today, we are celebrating 5 wonderful years of marriage. My husband is truly the love of my life, and I still smile nearly every time he walks into a room. God has blessed me greatly. I am thankful for this precious gift, and thankful that God has grown us through infertility.

Let the celebrations begin!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Thoughts on acupucnture

I have had 3 acupuncture sessions, and I do enjoy the experience. I was very happy to find an acupuncturist who specializes in reproductive health, and she is a very sweet woman with whom I feel very comfortable. Her office is cozy (minus the glowing crystal statue thing that reminds me of a lava lamp and seems a little weird...), and the table can be turned on to warm up while you're laying there.

She is focusing on my spotting issues right now and trying to get my hormones balanced. I did have about 3 days where I stopped spotting and had fertile looking CM, which got me really excited that the acupuncture was working! However, the spotting resumed after those three days in full force. I'm still happy for that three day break, and I know acupuncture can take some time. Plus, I'm sure my hormones are really out of whack after an IVF cycle, so it's not fair to test it out in such extreme circumstances.

I have not been good about following her guidelines or taking my herb-pills. I struggle with feeling guilty about this, but I also just don't have it in me to do it, I guess. If I knew drinking room temperature water would truly help me to get pregnant, I would do it....but it just feels so vague and unknown to me that I start doubting it would actually help. The herb-pills are gross, I forget about the moxa stick, and I have had a couple cups of coffee. It's our anniversary this week and I plan on having a glass of wine. Ah, well.

So I'm not the best acupuncture patient.... but hopefully I'm not ruining my chances that it could help?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sweet relief

So far, almost surprisingly, the most difficult point of my infertility journey was January of this year. I had just gotten a BFN for our last IUI, and we were facing the huge decision about whether or not to do IVF. We got to a point where my husband was leaning against it, and although I desperately wanted to keep trying, I was also having a lot of doubt that it would work. But as I faced not doing IVF, that meant we would stop treatments. And as I faced stopping treatments....I was also facing not having biological children. Words cannot express how much my heart broke that month.

But then we decided to do IVF, and I moved forward with hope. We felt like God had guided us and opened doors to move forward.

After our most recent BFN, I again felt some of that same heart break. I knew we had one more IVF left to do, but I thought if that one failed my husband would not want to use the frozen eggs. Those were our "baby #2" reserve (in my dream world), but I knew he would question whether it was worth it to use them after three failed fresh cycles. Heck, I was even questioning if it would be worth it at that point.

So as I began to grieve the IVF #2 BFN....I also started to prepare myself for our LAST IVF (cue mental doomsday music). How could I face the LAST one? How could I handle that negative? How much would it hurt? How could I "move on" as my husband says....which always makes me cringe? Even as I asked myself these questions, those feelings crept in (cue break down sobbing sessions). I was so scared of those feelings that I let myself feel them.

But then we decided to use our frozen eggs now, before our LAST IVF. And I must confess what a sweet relief that brought to my heart to know we weren't facing the last one yet. In my head I know we may just be delaying the inevitable, but can I just say how thankful I am to not be preparing for our LAST attempt right now?

We're trying to view our frozen egg cycle as a "freebie." It's a bonus attempt we weren't expecting, it will hardly cost us anything, and it will be much easier than a fresh cycle. However, our clinic is 0/2 in their attempts to use frozen eggs AND we have two negative fresh cycles under our belt....so we are also attempting to maintain perspective. While we wouldn't do it if we didn't think it *could* work, we also know the odds are pretty low that it will. But, I am thankful for this extra attempt.

I am floundering a little in exactly how to pray these days. It is difficult for me to pray in hope that IVF will work - what little faith I have. But at the same time, I do not feel shaken at all in my faith that God is good, he has a plan for my life, and he will be glorified in it. And I don't question the suffering he has given me (although I don't want to feel it). I just don't know how to specifically pray for a baby anymore. My prayers have shifted more to "God please take this pain from me" and "How long, Oh Lord?." And for the first time ever, I have felt like I am able to pray that he would take this desire for biological children from me, and replace it with a desire to build my family in another way.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Busy but achey

Life has been busy, full, and enjoyable. Over the last 10 days we had 3 different sets of house guests, many great conversations and meals, and even some adventure with a trip to the ER and no sleep thrown in there (don't worry - it was my friend - and she's fine). We finally have our house cleaned and restored to its usual order, and have caught our breath and almost caught up on sleep.

And I have been happy and {almost} carefree. Spending days on end with so many friends like only a childless couple could do, we have had moments where we have felt content in the life God has given to us. The busyness of our days filled my mind and {almost} pushed out the heart ache of infertility.

But in the quiet after all the activity, the heart ache crept back in. I don't really think it disappeared....it just got pushed the the side. But I was thankful for the respite, and the blessing that is our life in so many ways.

And I have felt so disconnected from all of you! I miss you! I'm sorry I've been a terrible commenter and email responder lately. But I'm back and will try to catch up on my Google Reader. If I can tear myself away from the Twilight series, at least. :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Happier, more light-hearted changes

After the BFN:

  • I bought us tickets to see a concert at the Hol.lywood B.owl in September. It's nothing big, but it's also something we don't typically do. Especially because I always end up with the thought, "We shouldn't do that because what if we are in the middle of a cycle then? Or, even better, what if I am really sick in the first trimester?" No more. We are going to a concert!
  • My skin has gotten kind of terrible. Hormones? I have no idea, but I have always had pretty normal and ok skin that didn't break out. But now it's red and blotchy. I got some new skin products and make-up and have been enjoying trying them out.
  • Youth ministry is on "summer break" which I always really like. We still meet weekly for youth group and other activities, but I am not "in charge" and don't have to plan a weekly Bible study for my group. I look forward to spending time with my girls in a more casual way and having less responsibility for a few months.
  • I'm reading the Twilight series. I honestly didn't like the first one until the action happened at the end, but it's fun and an easy read. Plus my youth group girls like to talk about it. :) I also got two other books in queue for after this series is finished that I am excited to get to.
  • We're talking about taking a 'big trip' in the fall. We've never done a 'big trip' with just the two of us, and it would be to celebrate our 5th anniversary this year. We're thinking maybe the UK? We'll see if we have the money to go, but it's fun to have the possibility out there...
  • I started acupuncture yesterday. I really liked the acupuncturist and did find it relaxing, so I am glad that has started. She specializes in reproductive acupuncture which is what I was looking for, and is very familiar with ART. However, telling her our infertility history left me extra sad (which I know I already am these days....), and then when she told me all of the things I shouldn't eat I got even sadder (namely coffee, wine, and ice cold water). Silly, I know, but I am feeling like a big baby about not having these things. I always give up coffee and wine while cycling, but to have to do it indefinitely...?! Do you follow their dietary recommendations? Anyway, I left feeling sad but am honestly looking forward to doing this and hope it will at least help all my crazy spotting issues.
  • Um, sorry, I know this is supposed to be a happy list....
  • We have had/ are having 3 different friends visit and stay with us. So much fun and the good kind of exhausting to host them. Currently my best friend from high school is staying with us with her two daughters (ages 3 & 5). Sorry I am getting behind on commenting - life has just been crazy lately, but this coming weekend will be really mellow.