Tuesday, December 21, 2010

RE appointment today

We met with the RE today. I wasn't really sure what to expect going into it, but let me just start by saying how much I love our RE. I can't imagine being in the place we are today under the care of our first RE (or any other RE, really) - Dr. H is very kind and compassionate. He doesn't make me feel like I am wasting his time or ruining his statistics (although I did make a joke about that today which he laughed at). I am thankful for Dr. H.

We didn't get much new information - he still thinks that if we continue treatments, I would most likely get pregnant. He pointed out that, of course, after this many treatments he begins to wonder if something else is going on, but he said on paper we look good and there is nothing much else left to do/ test/ treat. The fact that I only produced 3 mature eggs last cycle - with a total of 10 including immature ones - is definitely indicative that my reserve is low, but he still thinks my quality is good based on my age. Most of our embryos fertilize and look good on day 3. Etc, etc, etc.

The only "test" he wants to do is another hysteroscopy (I had one that was performed by another doctor in May 2009 when I had a fibroid removed). He said he wants a better look at the (other? new?) fibroid I have in there, which is small and doesn't appear to be effecting to uterine cavity, but he wants to make sure. He also wants to see if there is scarring or other negative effects from my last hysteroscopy, as well as check out my uterine lining for himself.

He also offered to treat us for free from here on out, starting with a frozen cycle and then another fresh one if necessary. This was the only time during the appointment I cried, because I am just stunned by such kindness and generosity. It is a gift, but it is also surprisingly difficult to have that "we'll stop treatments when we run out of money" line removed. Honestly, I don't feel hopeful like I did after my last RE appointment when he first said he would "help us out" financially. I don't feel elated at this offer because I don't feel hopeful that treatments will work for us. And now the "when to stop" decision falls 100% on our shoulders without any outside influences like no funds or the RE telling us he doesn't think it will work. Don't get me wrong, I am still utterly thankful for this generous gift. I am simply so beaten down emotionally that I don't know how much more we can take.

At this point, I think I will have the hysteroscopy surgery in January, and then we will do a frozen egg cycle in March. We reserve the right to change our minds, but we think we will be done after that and not pursue another fresh cycle - even if it is free. Meanwhile, I would also like to pray a lot, read the two books I have been putting off reading (Inconceivable and Adopted for Life), and start researching adoption. I need a new direction. I want to conceive and my heart still hurts tremendously at the thought of never conceiving, but I want to find a way to move on. I want God to lead us and heal us.

I know we could push for more tests. We could get a second opinion. We could call C.CRM and get a phone consult. But I just don't think we will. Not because we don't want this to work and want to do everything we can, but we feel like this is the best place for us to be given our circumstances. We still only want to fertilize a small number of eggs, which limits things like second opinions (I can only imagine discussing that in a C.CRM phone consult - ha!). We are out of money, and we can get free treatments here. And, bottom line, we just feel comfortable with Dr. H and don't have any desire to go elsewhere.

Thank you for your kind comments and support these last few weeks. Thanks for understanding that I have to wade through all of these emotions, for sitting with me, and reminding me that I won't always be in this place.


Mommy2Be said...

Keeping you in my thoughts as you make this journey. I hope you and your DH find peace as you move forward. Wishing you all the best this holiday season.

Melis.sa said...


You and your DH need to do what's best for you guys and your relationship. It's awesome that your RE is willing to have you guys cycle for free. Praying the FET cycle goes well :)

A said...

I can't believe that your RE keeps letting you guys cycle for reduced cost/free! You have struck the IF motherload! Does he do that for everyone? How does his clinic make money?! I know it's a huge blessing to you- maybe he could tell other clinics to do the same so other people could get the same benefits!! Haha :)

Will be praying for you as you discern what to do (HUG) I guess it was "easier" (yah right) for us in that way- when we were out of money, we were out of money- we didn't have your angel of a doctor!!

Kakunaa said...

It sounds like you have some tough decisions to make. I know some women would have a hard time turning down the free treatments. But I also understand the emotional toll, and you have been through so much. So, I look forward to following more, and finding out which path you take.

Try to enjoy the holiday and not think about it too much, for a little bit anyway. HUG.

Heather said...

H- i am so in live with your blog and the way you write. it moves me. i so under stand where you are- and this gift you have been given is so wonderful? Are all of your meds covered too??? we have to pay about $5000 each cycle just in meds and that keeps us from still cycling. if your RE pays for your meds too then you are really hitting the IF jackpot- if only that guaranteed a baby! i am praying for you as you decide and can not wait to see where this journey takes you!! much love!!!


Life Happens said...

You are blessed with a wonderful doctor!

When I started my IF journey 8 yrs ago, I prayed so hard and just wanted to know if I could GET pregnant. The Lord answered that prayer, but I couldn't STAY pregnant for some reason. Through IUIs/IVFs and miscarriages, my faith was strengthen and I kept praying through all that heart ache. I am grateful for the journey that has gotten me to 27 wks of pregnancy.

I pray that the Lord will bless you and your husband through all your heartaches and will lead you in the direction that you need to be in.

Aussie Girl said...

I am in the same place as you. The only things that can stop us from undergoing further IVF is my inability to handle the emotional aspect of treatment (and treatment failure) and God's leading. I am joining with you in looking for God's leading and healing. I know everything he does is perfect, but I can't help wanting him to give us a definite answer rather than all this uncertainty. I'm praying that your direction will become clear.

WantWait&Pray said...

If you'd like to chat privately, I'll give you my email. Have you thought of doing a karpotype testing on yours and dh's chromosomes? We did this after two failed fresh cycles and it basically told us that we didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities that would prevent us from creating a healthy baby. We paid for the test and are SO glad we did. If the test would have come back that there was a chromosomal abnormality, we would have known that IVF might not be the route for us before we put forth the time/money/etc. Let me know if you want more info on this.....sending prayers your way! xo

Rach said...

Wishing you the best for 2011. Glad you have such a caring RE. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Ami said...

Ok Hilary, I KNOW we're all different, but I just want you to know that I actually did a little happy dance just now because it was only after 4 failed IUIs, 4 failed IVFs and a miscarriage following one of them, my doctor decided to do a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy IN JANUARY ( like you :) ). He removed so much scar tissue and other stuff that was preventing all those embryos from attaching...after that, we let my body heal for a few months and then on my next IVF, I got pregnant with the triplets and all was perfect! I know there are no guarantees and that no two bodies are alike, but I just wanted you to know how excited I was that you are going to have the surgery again.... whether it works or not, I love your attitude about it all! You inspire so many...and wow, your RE is a saint. What an amazing thing for him to offer...Happy Holidays to you.... :) Wishing you peace.

Robin said...

Hi Hillary. I am so very sorry. My heart just breaks for you. Please know that we have been praying for you. If you want to email me, I have some recommendations about diet and even a new book that another dear blogger friend used. I am in the same boat as you: DOR but still young (well I was when we started) and a hubby with MFI. robindotevensatchkdotcom. Much love, lots of hugs and PRAYERS!

AplusB said...

I LOVE your RE. He sounds like such a good soul who truly wants what is best for you. Of course the decision is you and DH's alone, and only the two of you know what is best.

Tiffy9969 said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now. My life partner(and now spouse) have been going through treatment for 2 years to try for a baby. We have been through 8 IUI's & finaly our prayers where answered on our 5th IVF. We please in never giving up hope, and our RE says persistance is the key. IVF #4 was the hardest, we had nothing to transfer, nothing fertilized. Our RE made a change to try the Estrogen Priming Protocol to try for better egg quality. Before we always was going for more eggs, this time we focused on quailty. And it worked!!! We just heard the baby's heart beat. To come from a cycle with nothing to transfer, which was a first to us, we believe in the power of persistance. Do what you need to do, but always put your full heart into it. I know it hurts when it fails, but when it goes right, you wouldn't want to second guess your thoughts.

Andrea said...

I admire your decision to take some time for yourself, as well as the decision to do a frozen cycle in March. Like you, I was totally spent and could not put my heart through much more. I opted for a treatment cycle, but had diverted my focus to adoption. I needed to at least begin researching the process....think through and talk through some things. And finding a therapist that was insightful and supprtive was key.

I wish you Miracles in the coming year, as I BELIEVE in your future. Know in your heart that "you WILL be a Mommy". I would recite that phrase daily and it made life's mountainous climb a little easier.

Much love and prayers always

Sarah said...

I was so praying that this would be the Christmas you would celebrating a pregnancy....BUT, I STILL BELIEVE that God will indeed bless you.
I, too, remember reading that book inconceivable and thinking the exacts words you spoke from your heart. I remember that pain still, even though I did finally conceive (after depleting our savings of course!!). I remember thinking that I didn't want to stay "I'm moving on" yet.
I pray, so hard sweet Hillary, that God will give you an intense peace as to what to do next. I pray that somehow, someway He will bless you with the child you were meant to have. And because I know you deeply desire to have a biological child, I pray that He will allow you to experience that.
And you know what? He will one day give you a baby that you will look at (whether biological or not) and you will say "yes Lord. This is the child that was always meant to be mine."
And if for some reason God does not give you a biological child, I pray that your heart will heal. I remember my dad telling (when I was going through my 4th in vitro) "Sarah, you may not get what you pray for. But, it won't always hurt like this. God will give you an amazing future that you cannot see at the moment. Have peace in knowing that one day you will feel at peace."
Praying that this Christmas, you sweet sister in Christ, will feel an overwhelming peace from our Savior!