Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010

I'm pretty relieved today is the last day of 2010. It's been a tough year, and I think the two most difficult months were January (deciding to do IVF) and December (wondering if it's time to stop treatments after 4 failed IVF cycles). What a way to start and end a year.

I barely managed to submit a post to the Creme de la Creme list this year, and I literally picked the last post I had written at the time of submission. How's that for a "thoughtful" and "best post" of the year? But, really, I couldn't bring myself to read through this blog and re-live 2010. I didn't want to face those doubts and decisions to move forward with IVF (especially now that I know the end result of many BFNs without feeling any closer to having a baby), nor did I want to read through the hopefulness and subsequent anguish of each IVF cycle. And even though I didn't carefully select my submission, I do feel like the post reflected my heart and its current state. You'll see what I mean tomorrow.

And while I do have some meager hopes for 2011, I think I'll wait to express those on another day. Today I am simply acknowledging that 2010 was a very painful and difficult year. I'm thankful it's over. But I'm also acknowledging that I'm still ok. God has sustained me. I do have a hope that sustains me beyond my circumstances. I have grown. I have learned more about God and faith. I have a firm foundation.

A lyric from a song that I haven't listened to for years came to mind as I wrote this (by the band M.odel Engine):*

It's not that I feel good
It's that I still can feel
That's good, and that's all that's good for now

I love the "for now" part, and it is really emphasized as it is sung. I love the raw acknowledgement of the pain (the song is about a painful breakup after a long-term relationship, but, hey, pain is pain, right?), but there is still a sense of thankfulness and hope in these simple lyrics.

Anyway, that was a little bit of a tangent.

Good-bye 2010.

*As far as I know, this was a little-known Christian indie band from the 90's. I couldn't even find an MP3 for the song. :)


Kakunaa said...

Here is to a better 2011, friend. With more than just being able to feel being good. HUGS. said...

Hoping that 2011 is a million times better than 2010. ((HUG))

One Who Understands said...

I hope 2011 is a much better year. You have had a very long and trying year. Hope you have a great New Year! HUGS!

Christa said...

You're so positive, especially after what you have been through. I'm trying to be as optimistic and healthy about all of this as you are. I hope the best for you in the New Year!

Mellow said...

Praying a wonderful 2011 awaits you. Still praying!

Anonymous said...

I've missed you on the message board, and I'm so sorry you and your husband went through the year that you did. Here's to a better 2011.

Kelli said...

Hoping for BIG miracles in 2011! Love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Hillary, you're such an encouragement and a blessing even while going through such a tough time. I found this song off someone's blog, and hope it lifts you up somehow.The lyrics are worth a listen.."Before the morning by Josh Wilson".