Monday, December 13, 2010

A depressing Monday post with a good ending

I just wish all of this could be over. That I could wake up tomorrow with the child that God has intended for me in my arms, be done with this pain, and live happily ever after.

But then I realized that once this season of suffering is done, there is sure to be another around the corner. Once we have a child, I am sure the worries and list of things that can "go wrong" only grow. Unexpected tragedy could strike anybody that I love, or myself. Our parents are in their mid-sixties, and at some point we may need to take care of them. We may see them die. And then we get old, and while I don't fear "getting older" in the I-am-about-to-turn-thirty sense, being elderly looks very difficult and lonely.

It just seems like the older you get, the more suffering there is. More responsibility, more time for sin to grow and flourish and leave ugly consequences, and more time for things to simply happen. I have heard people say that high school or college were the best times of their lives, and I could never relate. High school was fine for me, college was better, post college and dating DH even better still, and our first few years of marriage were the best. Until infertility hit, it almost seemed like things could only keep getting better. But now I realize that perhaps the people who say high school was the best time of their life had perhaps experienced suffering at an earlier age than I did.

Life is hard. God doesn't promise us it will be easy. Quite the opposite, in fact - the Bible is filled with many promises of suffering coupled with words of encouragement. On some level, life had been pretty easy for me before infertility. But on another, it was still hard. I didn't have any on-going "big" problems, but I felt a longing for more than this. I felt unsettled, unsatisfied, and struggled....even when I "had it easy." God used all of that to draw me to himself and show us me my need for him, and I thank him for that.

And in the midst of infertility, I feel it all so much deeper. My need for Christ is desperate, hungry, and very tangible, and even while I wade through these murky and painful waters I do have such peace and confidence that he will be faithful. He will work in me and through me. He has a plan for me. This is true for the rest of my life, too, as I face all of the sufferings that lay ahead.

I know many people struggle to believe in God when life is painful, and ask why God would allow it to happen. There are many books written on the topic, and theologians much more educated and intelligent than I have given answers. But what I want to say right now is simply this: Things like infertility and other suffering will happen whether or not I believe in God. Have you ever known somebody who never suffered? But what joy and peace to know that I do believe in a God who is control of all things, is good & faithful, has a purpose, and promises me a life free of suffering in heaven....this is a gift in the midst of suffering. An amazing gift. It still hurts deeply, but I am thankful for the hope he gives me.

11 comments:

Mellow said...

Beautifully said. Still praying for you.

Pez said...

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3

A dear friend gave me this scripture last week as I was going through a trail.

I also thought of you this weekend at our youth event. One of the kids talked about long suffering as a fruit of the spirit. One day your children will be able to give the same testimony about you that brought many of us in the room to tears.

You are a very inspirational woman of God. Thank you for being honest and share with those around you.

Pez

Anonymous said...

I am not religious, not at all. I might be said to believe in an abstract 'something' -God, a collective conscience, the power of minds, something- but structured religions -and I know A LOT about them, intellectually- strike me as fundamentally irrational.

I am European. I have been reading IF blogs for a couple of years now and it never ceases to amaze me that intelligent, educated women are trusting science (IVF etc.) and an invisible entity simultaneously. (Please don't be offended, I'm just trying to describe my point of view.)

However, today I've felt a connection I had never experienced when reading religion-oriented IF posts. You say: 'Things like infertility and other suffering will happen whether or not I believe in God. . Have you ever known somebody who never suffered? But what joy and peace to know that I do believe in a God who is control of all things, is good & faithful, has a purpose, and promises me a life free of suffering in heaven....this is a gift in the midst of suffering. An amazing gift. It still hurts deeply, but I am thankful for the hope he gives me.'

I DO understand that. The fact that you believe in a benevolent God (regardless of his actual existence or non-existence) DOES help you carry your burden. It *is* an amazing gift.

I feel a bit envious, for all my rationality. I'd like to have a source of confort like yours.

Marie said...

I agree with Anonymous. One hundred percent. I've always been envious of your relationship with God, for all that I can't quite construct one of my own.

You have had some beautiful posts recently, Hillary. I had to show the darkness/light one to my mom. I hope you don't mind.

Leah said...

I loved this post Hillary, and it really hit home for me. Sometimes, you want something so badly (in our situation, children) that we can't look down the road. Sometimes we think once we get what we so badly want, life will be perfect. But unfortunately, there will be another hurdle after you get your child. . . trust me on this one.

The wonderful thing about your faith is that you never have to carry this burden alone. Thinking about you.

Britney said...

It's so hard to see it now -- and yet, you are. During the midst of wandering in the wilderness, that's when Moses saw God's sovereignty, love, power, and majesty revealed the most. You, my friend, are walking in the wilderness, and although it's so hard, your relationship with our Christ seems so potent and powerful. I do believe the time for wandering in this wilderness season will come to a close, and the harvest will come. And all we can hope for is that we still cling to Jesus the same that we do during the desert periods. It's apparent He is working in your life, and on your behalf.

Miracles of Grace said...

Beautiful post Hillary. Love it.

Kelli said...

That is a good ending :) Love you girl!

Sooz said...

I've been following your blog for quite awhile, but never posted anything. I just wanted to say that this post was beautiful and so well-written.

Although I do attend church every week, I'm not a person who incorporates God into her every day life, but your post made me realize that maybe it's time to have God in my life.

Thank you!

heartincharge said...

i read this post three times. sometimes i look at my life and the lives of those around me and feel like we are in a soap opera, from one ordeal to the next, everyone has their own pain. when we were younger, I remember the adults and their prayer requests, the women crying at the altar and now I understand. Life is not easy. Now God is not the main character in the USunday school lesson. He is the only way.

Aussie Girl said...

It's amazing how God can reach out to us when we hurt and share so much of his love and grace and mercy, it is truly humbling and restoring. I was struck the other day by someone (John P.iper I think) saying that God does everything for his glory. Some days I can't get my head around how he might be using our situation of infertility or miscarriage for his glory. Other days I'm confident that he is and I'm determined to find ways to bring him all the glory he deserves, through the situation and suffering I face.

I'm praying for God's peace that transcends all understanding for you.