Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Triggering tonight

Well, I am thankful I made it this far, and I am triggering tonight. I had 12 follicles ranging from 12mm-21mm....and I think based on their sizes I am hoping to get 8-9 mature eggs at retrieval. We'll see. I'm triggering tonight at 2:00 am because the only appointments they had available on Friday were in the afternoon (boo).

I have been attempting to not over analyze every.little.detail about this cycle, and overall I think I have been pretty successful at it. However, this strategy has not been able to shield me from the sadness and fear that comes with IF treatments. I am so very thankful I get to try again....but I am also so very scared that it will be another BFN.

I started losing it yesterday. I felt alone and scared. I know I am on the "hopeful" end of things still - these types of thoughts and fears don't usually rear their ugly head until I'm in the midst of the two week wait. But as I looked at my cycle objectively, I couldn't help but think how very much the same it all is - and how can I hope that the outcome will be any different than any other cycle?

DH & I had a fight last night. I feel like we only fight during IVF cycles. Ok, this isn't completely true, but we don't fight much... yet we manage to always fight during IVF cycles.

I feel like DH is tired of all of this. I don't know how much more he will be willing to try.

I don't know how much more I have in me to try anyway.

I am scared to get the fert report. What if we have a worse fert report than other cycles?

I am scared to see the embryos at the ET. I am scared I will be disappointed and cry on the table.

I am scared of all of the stress during the two week wait.

And, most of all, I am scared to find out the results of the cycle...and find out it didn't work. Again.

:::deep breaths::::

Enough whining. I'm wiping these tears off my face and saying that this cycle CAN be different. God is the creator of life. He CAN do anything. He CAN create life in me. Lord, help me to cling to you.

25 comments:

AL said...

It absolutely can be a different outcome even though things look the same. Hoping for a great retrieval and a great fert report for you, and most of all, a BFP!!

Kakunaa said...

One day at a time sweetie! Breathe, we are here for you :) I promise.

Melis.sa said...

Praying for some excellent follies!!

It sounds like this cycle has been different from the other ones...(hope growing :))

I fought with my DH during cycling more than a lot of other times too. It's stressful to the max

Angie said...

Prayers and crossed fingers for you, cycle buddy. I triggered last night and am having retrieval tomorrow morning. I wish you the best, and a peaceful rest of the week.

kkasun said...

Praying for you!

Courtney said...

May God bless you and give you His peace during this time. My DH and I ALWAYS fought the most during the stressful trials of fertility treatments. UGH! It is such a test of a good marriage. But, with God, all things are possible and when its all over.. these trials will make you stronger and closer to each other.

I will be praying for you.


XOXO

Ami said...

I could've written this post myself 2 years ago HIllary. Word for Word. And though nothing ever seemed different on any of our cycles, our 5th IVF WAS very different in that it worked!! With triplets, no less. DON'T GIVE UP. :)

valerie "Why" said...

Thinking of you... Hang in there

Mellow said...

Letting your fears out and not holding them in certainly doesn't hurt things. Be positive, and pray through your fears. It's tough, and tensions can be high when there are so many hopes riding on something so emotional. I am so excited for you, and am hopeful that things will go really well this time. One little step at time, and so far it's been good! Hold on to that. I'm praying. :)

Rosie said...

Sending positive thoughts and lots of prayers to you and your hubby. This is YOUR cycle, you deserve to be excited about it, you deserve for it to be your turn. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Good Luck :)

Britney said...

I encourage you to mediate on Phillipians 4:6-8 over these next 24 hours. God knows the outcome already. He knows how much you want this. And yet, He wants more of you in this process. xoxo

Stephanie said...

I REALLY understand how you are feeling. I just posted a very similar blog post and I am TERRIFIED of finding out the results of this cycle. I am scared to be told yet again that I'm not pregnant.

I will be keeping you in my prayers!!

Suzy said...

Best of luck with your retrieval on Friday and sorry you have to trigger at 2 am. That stinks! I stumbled upon your blog (I recently started an infertility blog). I'm an infertility veteran and a success story if you want to check out my blog.

Suzy

rae said...

Praying for you! He can!

Lindsey said...

Praying for you! Praying that you will sense God near and that His peace will wash over you and your DH.

That is a lesson God taught me with my last cycle. He CAN do anything, at any time, in any situation no matter how hopeless. Of course He can create life in you, He did in Sarah in her old age! God is trustworthy with our hopes and fears. He will always do whats best for us, which is a crazy thought. So if whats best for you is to get pregnant this cycle, then you will! I find that a comforting though. I really need to remind myself of that more often!

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, it will all be worth it when you hold your baby in your arms . I am in my 2ww after my 4th transfer (2nd was a miscarriage) and am filled with hope for everyone cycling at the moment that we will be blessed.
Our time will come.
God wants this for us as much as we do.

A said...

Oh gosh, Hillary, I had a weak moment last night, too, after a shocker PG announcement yesterday. I will be praying that God uses this IVF cycle to bring your little one!

vphonegirl said...

I pray God will give you comfort and strength in the final steps of this IVF cycle. I pray you eggs will develop into strong embryos and grow into healthy children.

Try not to compare this cycle to the previous remember each egg and sperm is unique and a gift from the Lord.

Many Blessing to you and your family

Andrea said...

God bless you Hillary, as I know this is so difficult and wears on the heart. I remember fighting with my hubby too, so consider yourselves normal. Its all just so taxing and pumping your body full of hormones has to be the culprit so lay the blame there :)

I'm looking at this new cycle as a new chapter. One filled with HOPE and beautiful beginnings.

And I will be praying for you each new step of the way.

If you cry, then you just do...you are human.

Much Love, Prayers Always and Many Hugs as you go forward.
xxx

AplusB said...

Fingers crossed so hard for you Hillary!

heartincharge said...

Go ahead and cling to him. He is already holding you in his arms.

Mrs. Lemon said...

May the third time be the charm! Best of luck!

ventingvagina said...

congrats! i triggered last night too!

and don't worry about the fight. you're both under a tremendous amount of pressure at the moment. hang in there and believe that this will work!

kdactyl said...

Just popping in to let you know I am thinking of you today knowing you will go in for ER this afternoon. I am sending lots of baby (mature egg) dust your way and saying prayers. Hang in there.
kd

Kelli said...

I know it is easier said than done, but I am praying that you are able to release your fears and let God work peace in you. Phil 4:6-7!!

I am praying harder than you can imagine that God will give you a miracle this cycle. Just remember He already has a plan for your family and His plan is always the best one. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way!