Friday, November 26, 2010

Not pregnant

I had been feeling so hopeful. The spotting had stopped, and surely that was the good "different" thing about this cycle.

But then last night rolled around, and as I got closer to testing my nervousness increased. As much as I wanted it to be positive, I started thinking things like, "it's always negative for me. Who am I kidding that this could have worked?" I felt more and more defeated as the night wore on, and my fear of testing increased.

I went to bed crying.

I woke up at 5:45am to pee. My heart started pounding, and I knew I should just test right away or my anxiety would make me cry before I even saw the results.

Only 24 hours ago I had imagined feeling confident while testing. I had actually imagined seeing that 2nd line, and felt like it was within my grasp. But as I sat on the toilet this morning, I felt not an ounce of confidence.

I peed into the cup in the dark, and used my phone as a flashlight to make sure I dipped the test in right. I watched the stop watch on my phone until it got to 2.5 minutes, and then I flipped on the bathroom light.

One line.

I don't think I will even conceive. I think I have to start trying to accept that, somehow. Somehow. With God's strength. This whole cycle I just knew this was our last fresh cycle. Me who has always wanted to find a way to keep going... I just knew this was nearing the end of the road. Now we will just have to decide if we will use our 5 (potential) frozen eggs, just to say we tried everything we could, I guess. And they are there.

But I really don't believe it will work now. DH plus me does not equal a baby.

53 comments:

RMCarter said...

I am so, so sorry. :'( I cry tears for you and your DH today.

ceecee867 said...

Hillary, please test again in the daylight.... I say this because I have seen LOTS of these posts with tests that the second line was SOOOOO faint... that you had to have a magnifying glass to see it .... even on about day 11 or 12.... Praying for you.....

Ami said...

Hillary, my heart literally aches for you. I know that when the pain and sadness subsides, you will find the silver lining...you do it better than most people. That is why I believe you will make such a terrific mother.... Keep the ultimate goal in your sights, because somehow, some way, you WILL get there. You have too big a heart and too much love to give, NOT to! Whatever your next step...take care of your heart and know that so many of us are thinking about you and wishing we could make this easier. :) I'm so sorry...

Melissa G said...

Hillary, my heart is aching for you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this agony. But somehow I know that when you're finally a mother - how ever that comes to be - this pain will be a distant memory forever. I can't wait to see that day...

Hugs friend, I hope you still have my number if you need it. I'm always here for you.

mommomish said...

please don't give up. I am praying for you.

Vi said...

Sweet Hillary- praying for you and DH today that God gives you a child soon. Don't give up please.

Kakunaa said...

I am so sorry, Hillary. I wish I could make the results be different. My heart is aching for you. HUGS.

one-good-egg said...

please don't give up hope! You still have 5 left? That's 5 chances, if your heart can take it! I know the odds seem slim, I get that. My odds were TERRIBLE. The first time I saw the RE they said "we are at the bottom of the bean pile with your eggs, we'll see what we get but we won't make it to 5dt and you won't have anything to freeze, you have premature ovarian failure. My husband has LOW sperm count we are are talking 700k instead of 20mil. It was DARK our cycle we almost got cancled because my body responded so late and we only had 5 follicles total. We only got 4 eggs, and one wouldn't fertilize! But, somehow, some way it appears *fingers crossed* to be working out for us as we have passed our 2nd beta, so please don't lose hope and never say never! BIG GINORMOUS HUGS to you! I wish you the very best. I was on a microdose lupron flare protocol, highest drug protocol possible. I don't know what mini IVF is, and we had to use ICSI too. I am sure they haven't pulled out all the stops for you yet and you are young!!!

Mellow said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I am praying for you.

Adam and Julia said...

Oh Hillary. I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. Praying for you to find calm in this storm.

andreajennine said...

Oh, Hillary. I'm so sorry. That is the hardest ache. Praying the Savior will give you peace and comfort.

Amanda said...

:(

*hugs*


I think you should definitely give those five frozen embryos a chance because you may just get your miracle.

Valerie "Why" said...

Ohh, I'm so sorry... I wish you lots of strength in this difficult time.

Melis.sa said...

I'm so, so sorry. I woke up this morning praying that you would have a completely different post up. Praying that the FET cycle works!!!

Britney said...

i am so very sorry for this news. Not what I had been hoping for. I've been where you are and I feel your pain innately. We adopted our son 2 years ago through domestic adoption, and are now 12.5 weeks pregnant through embryo adoption. For us, we got to a point where it was just more important to start our family than to be pregnant and pass along our genes. But, I know that not everyone feels that way, and I'm not at all condemning you if you believe God is leading you to keep trying. I just want you to know I'm here. If you ever wanted to chat off line, i'm at bacolton@hotmail.com xoxo

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

I am so, so sorry. God has a plan for all of us, which I know you know. But I hope you'll soon know what that path will be. xo

Rosie said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband. I prayed for you last night. I hope you'll find some way to remain at peace this holiday weekend. I'll be thinking of you. I am so sorry :(

Mrs. Hammer said...

I am so, so very sorry Hilliary. I was really praying this would be it.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry. I thought this was your cycle too.

kkasun said...

I am sorry, praying for you and thinking of you.

Rach said...

Thoughts and prayers for you sweet Hillary. Your post made me cry.

kdactyl said...

There are no words to convey to you how dissapointed I am for you. I'm very sorry. Many hugs and warm thoughts being sent your way.
kd

Life Happens said...

I am so sorry Hillary! Praying that you will find strength and comfort during this time.

Kristin (kekis) said...

I know that nothing I say makes it any better, but I am sorry for your BFN. It's so unfair and makes absolutely no sense. Know I'm here for you - along with a lot of other people. Lots of love headed your way. xox

Amber said...

My heart is breaking for you. I totally understand, and am praying for you and dh right now.

Rachel said...

I have read and re-read your post wishing there was something someone could say to make this better. But there isn't. So I am just praying for peace that surpasses all your understanding! Hugs hugs and more hugs!

Sarah said...

It's amazing how infertility can make your heart break into pieces for someone you've never even met. Im so so sorry :( :(

JC said...

I'm so so sorry. ((hugs))

Pez said...

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from him. Psalms 62:5

I know it feels hopeless right now. Hold on to each other and to the hope you have in God.

I don't know how God is going to bring you a family, but I know that He has one for you.

Give yourself time to grieve this cycle and breath.

Pez.

Rambler said...

Oh Hillary, I hate that this is the post I am commenting on after so many weeks away. My heart aches for you and DH. I can so perfectly understand your last sentence. Oh my, does it resonate with me. It's heartbreaking and big time unfair.

I hope there are still some options with your frozen eggs, and you take some time (especially with holidays) to take a break, relax and not think about a plan of action right away.

In my thoughts....

LisainSK said...

Just found out your blog from Rambler's site. Big hugs Hillary. BFN's especially after IVF are beyond unfair and cruel. I hope peace finds your heart very soon as you decide what is your next step.

A said...

I am so sorry Hillary. I hope that God will give you unimaginable peace right now- a season when it is so difficult to feel that way when we don't have kids (HUG)

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I am so sorry:,( No matter what you & your dh decide to do I know in my heart that you are meant to be a Parents! Praying for some Peace of Mind and Heart for you both during this time, that can only come from God.

Hugs,
Hannah

jeanna said...

my heart breaks for you and your husband, I had be praying and hoping for a different result

lifebytheday said...

Oh sweetie, I am so, so sorry. I really just don't understand why all of this pain and sadness has to happen to good people. Thinking of you and your DH, and praying for you both.

Hugs.

kim said...

I am so sorry. :(

Andrea said...

Sweetest Hillary,

I share in your brokeness....many tears with you, as there are just no words.

However, I refuse to let go of HOPE for you and your DH. I BELIEVE in the future and I "know" you WILL be a Mother. When I was in the depths of darkness and struggeling with infertility I cried myself to sleep many times and my heart suffered so deeply. But, it was the ever present thought and repetitious phrase that rang in my soul and kept me going when I was weak and weary..."I WILL be a Mother" You will be too sweet friend :)

Lifting you up in prayer today and always. And Believing in your Miracle.

xxx

Michelle said...

I know your pain and please now I am here!! I love you!!!! I'm so sorry!!! God will provide and God will always find a way...It might not be "our" way! I'm rooting for you always, every day!!
xoxoxo
Love you~Michelle

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I am so very sorry. I'm thinking of you. Big ((hugs))

MHughes said...

Oh Hillary, I had so hoped this was it for you. My heart just breaks and I'm crying with you. Continuous hugs to you and DH during this hard time.

ventingvagina said...

i'm so sorry. i have been hoping so hard for you. take good care of yourself. hugs.

Teresa said...

I am so sorry. I am in the same boat as you right now. Take solace in the hope that your FET represents.

keepingfaith said...

I'm going to be very blunt in saying that you don't know anything until you wait for the official blood test, and for goodness sakes, please don't consider stopping your meds. I just finished reading a post in a forum where a lady POAS and it was negative, she stopped her meds and lost all hope. Then she decided to have her beta done anyway on the day is was due and she is pregnant, but because she had stopped her meds the beta was quite low. So please please please, even if you've had failures before, never rely on a pee stick for the be all end all. You are right, God does desire for us to be parents, it may be different from what we expected, but we can trust that He has plans for us :)

Marie said...

Sigh. My love & prayers for you both.

Missy said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I was praying this would finally be your time. Much love to you.

Erin said...

I'm so sorry, but am totally hopeful that you will be parents someday!

Kelli said...

I know exactly what you are feeling - I've been there, too. I also know God has a perfect plan for you and your dh. You are meant to be a mom!! I've never met you but I "know" you and you are going to be a rock star mom to THE baby our Heavenly Father has planned for you. I love you and I am praying for peace and hope to fill you tonight. xoxo

Leah said...

Praying for you.

WantWait&Pray said...

Oh no. I am so sorry. My heart just absolutely breaks for you. I scrolled down through all of the blog's I follow for your blog b/c I felt so hopeful that I'd see a post titled "pregnant" or something similar. I'm so sorry. There are no words, nothing to say to ease the pain.....so take the time to grieve and know there are lots and lots of friends praying for you guys and the baby God has chosen for you.

AplusB said...

I am so sorry Hillary. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

It will happen in April

cowgirltn said...

I am so sorry Hilary. I am sending you a huge hug and holding your hand.

gringa78 said...

I am so, so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. ((HUGS)) I am always, always hopeful for you, even if you can't be for yourself right now.