Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A single tear

Tonight was just like many other nights. I made dinner and had it ready for DH when he got home (aren't I a good wife?). DH put some music on and we lit the candles in our dining room. We started eating and filling each other in on our days.

DH told me about having lunch with a friend/ co-worker (we are also friends with his wife and kids). He knows about our infertility, and has been a really sweet support to DH. During the lunch, the friend mentioned that his wife was reading a book, and in it there was a quote from a woman who had had cancer AND infertility, and in her opinion infertility was as difficult as having cancer. Now, I have no idea what it's like to have cancer, but as hard as infertility is I still think cancer would be worse. Either way, though, it was obvious that this quote illustrated just how painful infertility is....and it made our friend and his wife think of us and want to check in.

After DH told me about his lunch and other events at work, he said simply, "As much as I enjoy work, it's not a family. I want a family."

I shared with DH about my own hopefulness - that somehow throwing out "the plan," knowing God is guiding us, and that we can potentially keep trying had renewed some hope in my heart. I told him it has been good for my emotional state to only work part-time at one of my jobs after leaving the more stressful one behind. And I confessed that I have even started looking at nurseries and imagining how we would decorate ours....which is something I never-ever-ever let myself do before.

And then a single tear rolled down my left cheek - a tear of pain, of hope, and of tiredness. "I will get to decorate that room soon," I said.

I don't know when we will be at the end of all of this, nor do I know whether or not that ending will also include a pregnancy. But I feel like we are nearing the end in a figurative sense (if not literal), and for the first time the end brings hope rather than a sense of doom. I have hope that we WILL have a baby who needs a nursery, whether that is an adopted child or biological one. I know I have said this before, and I will probably keep stating this in one way or another. But I have learned that there are many stages of trusting God, acceptance, and peace, and for today I simply feel one step closer. We will get there, and God will be guide us.

20 comments:

Mellow said...

Beautiful, so very beautiful. Praying for you.

Iam veRONIque said...

I feel for you ;( I really really pray that we will be bless with our own precious angel..\ Please don't lose hope though its hard, do continue to pray and never give up.

Leah said...

I've heard medical professionals also say that infertility has the same stress level as cancer. I've never experienced cancer, but I'm sure you and I can both attest to how sad, stressful, and devastating infertility is.

It sounds like you are finding peace, and I'm so happy about that. It's so hard while you're going through this to realize that God has a plan, but I have no doubt that he does.

Thinking of you Hillary.

Life Happens said...

You will be blessed as long as you keep trusting in God and His plan. Stay positive and faithful! ((Hugs))

mommomish said...

Praying for you!

Mrs. Hammer said...

You could not have written more true words. You will be a mom some day, one way or another!

The Gist Fam said...

Such a beautiful and perfectly stated post. IF is not an easy journey, but it is the one we have been given.

The Gist Fam said...

Such a beautiful and perfectly stated post. IF is not the journey we would have picked for ourselves - that is for sure.

Rach said...

So sweet. You will have a child one day! Thinking of you.

cowgirltn said...

Such a pretty post. Your thoughts are exactly what god is asking of us to give our lives to him and trust in his love for us. Believe me I know there are days you want to beg god to show you mercy and I have. Your dream is going to come true.

Melis.sa said...

Do you follow her?

http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2010/10/getting-real.html

She always inspires me and reminds me of God's work in people's lives.

I have faith and hope that you will have a child someday. It breaks my heart that you're hurting but I agree that you'll have a nursery to decorate :)

Kelli said...

I am so glad that God is filling you with hope as you draw closer and closer to the day when you will become a family of 3 (or 4!) ;) His plan is always greater than ours and that in itself is reason to hope. Love you girl!

Andrea said...

Your thoughts on the nursery brought me to tears. I hurt along side you and know the pain this journey brings. However, there is one thing for sure, you have never lost sight of HOPE.

AND

Your FAITH is constant....rest in "him" sweet friend. And know that I will be praying specificaly for you and your husband. I admire how the two of you have maintained your close and open relationship, as IF can stress a marriage on many levels.

Much Love and Continued Prayers

Sarah said...

My sweet husband and I sought a counselor a few weeks ago while coping with this 5yr infertility struggle. She said that infertility is grief. We are grieving just as a person may do during the loss of a loved one. Of course, losing a loved one is tragic and different. She meant the level of sadness, hurt, anger.... we are grieving for loss of dreams. God knows our dreams and He is so big and mighty.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words, And never stops at all ~ Emily Dickinson

sara said...

amen...lovely friend! Your hope is so encouraging and refreshing. Praying that for that sweet babe to fill your nursery!!

Jess said...

Praying for you. Your thoughts are so sweet and heartfelt to read. It is difficult to 'let go and let God', but we must do it to obey.

The Swann's said...

My heart aches for you and your DH... I continue to pray for you both and wait for the news that you are indeed going to be a mommy! I have hope and will keep hope for you both!

amy said...

It's a tough journey and I'm sorry for your struggle. It's hard to see a reason or rhyme to it, but just trusting God is all you can do. You have a good attitude and I will continue to pray for you!

Blessings,

Amy

Melody said...

Hillary...your sweet spirit always shines through your pain and heartache. Praying for you and your DH more than you know....trusting with you and praying for God to hurry up...ok, not really...well, yes, sort of. I know I shouldn't ask God to change his time plan but it is so very tempting. He does listen so why not throw it out there to him? Love ya girl!

Meg said...

I hurt for you when you're sad. Am praying earnestly for you.
Meg