Monday, October 25, 2010

From the mouth of babes

"Why can't you have a baby?" the 8-year-old asked me.

I had stopped by a friend's house on Friday to wish her a happy birthday. She is a stay at home mom to 3 kids, and we are in a church Bible study together that takes place weekly at their house.

When her son asked me this, I was stunned silent for a moment. We have shared our infertility with our whole Bible study....but after the kids had gone to bed. So I was surprised to hear this question come out of his mouth, and from the corner of my eye I could also see the embarrassed look on his mom's face.

I was surprised that he knew to even ask the question, but I didn't mind that he knew. Later his mom apologized, and said that the kids pray for our whole Bible study, and they had shared this with their son as a prayer request. Honestly I was touched that their kids would pray for us!

The real shock, however, was the bluntness that only a child has (or perhaps a few socially awkward adults :)). Many friends know about our infertility, but if any of them ask about it they use a softer, less direct method. As he said it, I felt like a normal, light-hearted conversation had suddenly shifted and knocked the wind out of me.

I managed a smile, gave a generic answer, and the conversation moved forward.

DH & I went out to dinner that night. I told him about this conversation and how shaken I felt. We had a nice night out, but I didn't feel quite like myself. We then went home to watch Le.gally Blond - a movie I own for some strange reason, but hadn't watched in years. On the way home, DH wanted to stop at Re.dbox to see if there were any good new movies there, and of course he found one (the new K.arate Kid - he was feeling nostalgic)....which I wasn't very excited about. Since we own the other I figured we might as well watch the rental, but after we started watching the other movie I got upset. I felt like a whiny 4-year-old... "But I don't wanna watch that movie!," but I tried to suck it up and enjoy the movie (it wasn't that good, but nothing to complain about, either).

The movie ended and all of my emotions flooded out. I was crying with a stream of tears trickling down my face, but not heavy crying. Just constant crying. I was sad in a life-is-hard kind of way, even though the trigger to this hard life was watching a movie that I didn't really want to see (I know, poor baby).

But, really, don't you have those days? When the weight of whatever struggles you face bear down on you? And even though you are so blessed and have a "good life," especially compared to people in much more difficult circumstances, you can just feel the sorrow of knowing life is not what it is meant to be? That even when this current struggle is over, there will be a new one? As DH & I talked about it, he could really relate. He has been having a difficult time at work lately, and although he overall enjoys his job and is thankful to have it, the endless toil of work has been a burden to him.

It made us think of Ecclesiastes, and it comforted us to read this:
Chapter 1
1The words of the Teacher, a]">[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

15 comments:

Mellow said...

I have those days often. We are only human. Hang in there. Thankfully not everyday is like that!! Praying for you!

Andrea said...

Oh those moments that just knock the wind out of our sails. I'm sorry this happened to you, as it serves as yet another emotional trigger. We stand tall in the face of adversity, but melt from the inside when alone in the confines of our sanctuaries...HOME. Sometimes it all becomes too much and I'm sorry for the continued heart ache. I wish there were something I could do to erase it for you.

Like those children, I too pray for you and your husband. I BELIEVE in your miracle, I truly do. Lifting you up this very moment.

Psalms 91:4
He will cover you with his wings; you will be safe in his care; his faithfulness will protect and defend you.
xxx

Leah said...

I'm sorry for your pain. I know we all have those moments where the burdens of life reach the surface and we break down. I don't know about you, but I always feel a sense of relief afterwards, because releasing the pain can feel so good!

I continue to think of you and pray for you Hillary.

lifebytheday said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Sometimes the stars just align in 100% the wrong way and the littlest thing can set you off...I hope that you feel a little better after your good cry. :-)

Hugs!

lifebytheday said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Sometimes the stars just align in 100% the wrong way and the littlest thing can set you off...I hope that you feel a little better after your good cry. :-)

Hugs!

Melissa G said...

I think I'd cry if I had to watch Karate Kid too. =)

I know exactly what you mean about being grateful for what you do have vs. feeling sad for what you don't. Pain is relative though - and it's okay to be sad, or frustrated sometimes...

Hang in there Hill. I'm thinking of you.

Hugs.

Melody said...

I will never forget that same converstaion with my eight year old nephew at Sunday lunch with the entire family...out of nowhere and felt like a blow to gut. I'm sorry. And as my friend says "Everyone is entitled one poor baby" every now and then.
Hey...I posted a few days ago and linked to your blog. Don't know if you had a chance to read it.

The Gist Fam said...

Sometimes the simplest things in life (watching a movie, etc) have a way of bringing out emotions like nothing else can. I think it's a reminder that even though our life is full of simple things, life itself is not simple...it's quite messy. Glad that we don't have to walk this road alone.

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry the question hurt but I am glad DH could be there to support you. How special to have a child praying for you. Thank you for sharing the scripture I hadn't read that one.

Jess said...

Sometimes emotional triggers can come from words, visuals, object not related to infertility or what we're dealing with at all. In those circumstances, I think our brains are telling us that we need a good cry to let all the stress out. Hang in there. These hard times will pass.

AplusB said...

(((hugs)))

A said...

I think any of us would have been a little stunned at that question from a child! I have definitely had days when the weight is very heavy. Hang in there- praying for you as always :)

Life Happens said...

Kids do say the darnest things, but they are so innocent about it. I'm glad that he is praying for you too.

I'm sorry that you were having a hard day. Hang in there!!

bakeryclosed said...

I definitely have those days. During the worst of my struggle, when I was intent on keeping up appearances and not breaking down in public, I used (and still sometimes do) sad TV shows to let myself cry and get catharsis.

I've actually been having a lot of those days this week, letting things like Halloween costumes stress me out to the point of tears because it's easier to cry about the surface stuff than to tap into the real pain.

Hang in there, both of you. I have my fingers crossed for this attempt.

Also, maybe you could ask that kid how come he can't have a baby. I'm guessing an 8-year-old boy would come up with a pretty good answer.

bakeryclosed said...

I definitely have those days. During the worst of my struggle, when I was intent on keeping up appearances and not breaking down in public, I used (and still sometimes do) sad TV shows to let myself cry and get catharsis.

I've actually been having a lot of those days this week, letting things like Halloween costumes stress me out to the point of tears because it's easier to cry about the surface stuff than to tap into the real pain.

Hang in there, both of you. I have my fingers crossed for this attempt.

Also, maybe you could ask that kid how come he can't have a baby. I'm guessing an 8-year-old boy would come up with a pretty good answer.