Monday, September 27, 2010

Acceptance

This weekend we went to dinner at our friends' house. We hadn't spent much time with them in awhile, mostly due to the very different stages of life that generally make us operate on different time schedules and within different social circles. Since we have begun trying to conceive, their toddler has turned 4 1/2, they had a second child, and a third one is on the way. DH & I were impressed with their happy and bright children, and while they certainly did not make parenting look easy - we commented to each other later that the father has looked rather ragged and run-down since child #1 was born - being in their home made our longing more concrete. Their home life seemed tiring but joyful, active but rich, and difficult but worthwhile.

After the kids went to bed, we spent a long time discussing things relating to children. Their kids lover literature, and we talked about books they have read to them, books we all remember from our own childhood, and what makes a good story. Honestly, I think one of the things I look forward to most is reading to my children someday.

As we sat in their living room littered with toys, I longed but I did not experience jealousy or pain. The emotions of an infertile are unpredictable, and I am often surprised by the things that I feel ok about - or don't.

I had the most obvious thought: I will never be this family. We will never have the 3-4 children in the way we expected, and we won't have them 2.5 years apart. We will never decide how we want our family to look. And I realized that I am ok with this. I think I have accepted that infertility is a permanent part of our lives now. So much of the pain and suffering to date has been the loss of "the dream" and the loss of my ability to plan and "control" my life (as much as any person really can do), but I feel like I am at a place of acceptance in regards to this. Of course, this place of peace can come and go, and I know circumstances could easily make it crash down around me. But I am thankful God has brought me here, and I feel like I have "made it" to a certain place in this journey. As weird as it sounds I am content here. I don't want to stay here forever, but being here - where God wants me to be - is finally alright.

I have not, however, accepted the loss of a biological child yet, and I feel like that is the crux of my current pain. Thankfully, I mostly feel this pain after failed cycles, so my day-to-day life is generally happy and optimistic. But when it is there - wow, that pain is deep. But if God has brought me to the current state of peace, I am thankfully reminded that he will lead, guide, and provide peace if biological children are not part of his plan for us.

God may still have a biological child in store for us. We might adopt. We might have twins. We might adopt a sibling set. In the end, the family God gives us could look almost identical on the outside to the one I dreamed of, or it could look entirely different. I can't wait to see it and am praying it begins to become reality sooner than later.

20 comments:

RELH said...

Your brave for saying the things that many of us won't...

RELH said...

Your brave for saying the things that many of us won't...

Secret Sloper said...

I hope it becomes reality for you sooner, too. The longing and waiting is so hard and so painful.

Melis.sa said...

I love that you recognize that God can bring you peace even in the most trying situation. And that you know even if it hurts sometimes God can always bring that peace back to you.

Praying so hard it happens sooner rather than later. ((HUG))

MK said...

I am in the exact same place as you. The exact same place.

andreajennine said...

Even after having a child, I'm still so aware of the death of that dream of having a certain kind of family. Our pediatrician (who doesn't know my IF history) commented last week, "Oh, you're going to have more kids; I can tell." I could only respond that I would certainly like that, while thinking in my head that I have no idea if or how God will add to our family.
Praying that your longing is fulfilled soon!

Jess said...

You wrote exactly what I have been feeling. I am learning to come to terms that this right here is where God wants me to be. He chose this for me. Who am I to deny it or get angry at Him about it. There is a blessing waiting for us in the future. And who knows but God what that looks like?

Kakunaa said...

I remember one day soon after our 2nd wave of bad news going to a friend's house to take over her newborn and toddler so she could get some rest. And I was utterly fine...and I didn't know why. You are so right, it is irrational and unpredictable. Enjoy the calm while you can :)

Missy said...

This is a great post. Brave yet full of emotion. Thanks for sharing.

Melody said...

I'm happy for the contentment you speak of while still longing. That sounds so oxy-moronic but I think that's pretty much what you expressed here. And I love how God has moved you into that place, your acceptance of it and your ability to still hope and pray with peace. I'm still praying for you guys although I've not commented much lately on your blog.

Mellow said...

It will be a beautiful family, uniquely yours, and blessed. Praying that day comes soon for you. In the mean time, I pray that the peace you have right now remains as you wait.

Charlotte said...

This really resonated with me; especially the part about not being able to space out your children the way you had planned. I have felt the same things at times.

Leah said...

I loved this post Hillary, and felt like I could have written it myself. I know exactly what you mean about the peace coming and going. It was the same way for me. But everytime I was lucky enough to experience the peace, I would pray to God because the peaceful period was always so needed, and always a time of healing.

The loss of the dream of a biological child is like experiencing a death in the family. Please know that I think of you and pray for you very often.

Marion said...

All the best for your upcoming IVF! I hope it will result in a healthy baby for you!

ICLW # 105

mommomish said...

I want to help! I will be praying.

AplusB said...

I think one of the biggest difficulties about IF is accepting that our families will not come about the way we had "planned." But remember that beautiful families are created every day that may or may not be what we always thought we'd have. (((hugs)))

Andrea said...

Such a beautiful post...I relate to so many of your thoughts.

Most of all, never lose sight of those options that you spoke of. And never give up on that biological child :)

For me, when I finally reached that place of peace that you speak of, things started changing in my life. I looked at the future much brigher and I felt the sunshine again...and it felt so good!

Continuing to pray for your journey, as I KNOW in my heart the desires of your heart will be fulfilled.

Much love

Kelli said...

It still amazes me that God has a plan that we cannot even begin to fathom. He knows and He cares. I can't wait to see your reality!!

sara said...

Praying you continue to rest in His plan!! Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and DH often:)

Life Happens said...

As long as you accept God's will, He will make it all right.

Lovely post!