Saturday, August 21, 2010

The veterans

Today DH & I went down to the RE's to do an SA test. Of course we have had a number of these done in the past, but we have not had the actual analysis done in over a year. Our RE wanted to have an up-to-date one, although I'm not too sure it will change anything since we're doing IVF with ICSI already.

Anyway, as we were leaving the "special room," I was holding the "special bag" in my hands. We stepped into the hallway, and ran into a young couple who had just finished their IVF Egg Retrieval. The wife was in quite a drugged up state, but they both looked so excited and happy. We walked slowly behind them, and then came into the main hallway outside the clinic. They had 4 or 5 family members waiting excitedly there (!), who then announced they had to get a picture of them on there special day. They quickly framed the shot, and I realized I was probably in the background...holding the "special bag." I panicked and darted behind an indoor plant, which fortunately caught the family's attention, who offered to let us pass before they took their photo.

After DH & dropped off the sample and finished laughing about the awkwardness of potentially getting us - and our little white bag - photographed by some other family, I pointed out that this must be their first IVF. Their excitement, hope, and the family celebration seemed so removed from DH & I....

DH said, "I feel like we're such veterans. I can't imagine that scene anymore. And I wasn't even embarrassed that we were walking by all those people with the 'special bag.'"

I thought back to IVF #1. While it was really only 5 months ago, it also feels like so much has emotionally transpired over those 5 months that it could have been a year - or more. We didn't bring any family with us to the clinic that day - I think we are a little more private than that - but we did meet the IL's for breakfast before my first Embryo Transfer. And I did have them take a picture of us at breakfast as I thought, "Today is a special day - we are meeting our embryos! Let's commemorate this! And maybe this can go in the baby book...."

I truly hope that couple today gets to put that picture in a baby book in a few months. I love the hope behind a picture like that, but I don't think we will be taking of any of those in the future - it's just too difficult to delete that happy, hope filled photo when you walk away with an empty uterus.

9 comments:

Andrea said...

I relate...

I'm glad that couple does not know the hurt and pain that can be associated with IVF. Happy they can enjoy the PUPO state, and like you, pray they can add that photo to a baby book. *sigh* As you say, the veterans of IF view things differently, our HOPE is there, but a bit clouded from time to time, but we journey on.

And speaking of HOPE and JOY, I am very hopeful for you, so hopeful and want you to know that same JOY that you saw in that couple :) You WILL add happy memories to a baby book and so will I. Until then, we grasp FAITH with one hand and HOPE with the other and never let go!

Many HUGS

ps the white bag, oh how we all know the drill. LOL

Amy said...

Such a beautiful post! You captured the feeling of being a veteran perfectly. I could picture myself in the same position, jumping behind a plant, holding my special (green) bag. :)
I have so much hope for you this cycle. ((Hillary))

Betty Rubble said...

True that!

Heather said...

Hil- You could not have put it any better! As we sit here in our 3rd 2ww, I feel so hopeful, but know the BFN pain all too well. I too was that couple when we went through it the first time, and i have them on my blog, but i really did not know that my uterus would still be empty an entire year later! Hang in there!!!

ventingvagina said...

argh, i hate that the initial hope is gone too but i'm with you - i also hope that couple gets to put a picture in a baby book very soon. in regard to your happy, hopeful photos, i can't wait for your belly shots. you can take pics then! third time's a charm, hillary. (i'm counting on that being true myself for FET #3.) hugs!

Kakunaa said...

That really is hopeful. I got a snapshot of hubby in his gown and cap waiting for us to go in for transfer, but not one of us....in retrospect, maybe we should have...

kdactyl said...

We never took any photos at all...hmmm...it never even occured to us and we always did out treatmets alone, even though our friends and family were well informed of our intentions....I was always too afraid...so I totally understand where you are coming from Hillary. But believe me...there will be plenty of pictures for your baby book...I have faith in that. I hope the SA results are GREAT and this cycle moves forward smoothly and successufully.

Kd.

Oh..and ours was just a standard little brown bag...tee hee

cowgirltn said...

What an experience. I know how you feel I could almost inject myself with my eyes closed now I'm so good at it. Good luck with the SA results.

Mrs. Hammer said...

Ugh so true! When I called my IVF RN on Sunday I rattled off all my information - when I was getting my lab done, that I'd take my BCP post the blood draw etc. I then I paused and said in my message "wow, yeah, sounds like I've done this before huh?"