Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Thoughts in the night

If we had not frozen eggs, we would be done with treatments right now. We had planned and saved for 3 {fresh} cycles, and we have done 3 cycles (but thankfully one was not fresh...). This thought takes my breath away.

I am thankful we have at least one more chance....but how can I hope that it will work after 3 failures?

I am in the special club of "multiple failed IVFs." I looked through the Stirrup Queens' blog roll and did some googling, and this is not a happy club with many "success story" endings.

When do we have to accept that God will not give us a biological child? That DH + Me {does NOT} = baby? When are we just crazy and throwing money away on treatments? (All rhetorical questions that I know only we can answer)

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. The simple questions that can roll around in my head for hours if I have nothing to distract me.

DH encouraged me to memorize an encouraging scripture this week, and I have been working on it. I am thankful for his suggestion, as it is something else {better, true, and hopeful} to fill my mind with. Here is what I have so far:

Isaiah 43:1 Thus says the Lord God; He who created, O Israel, He who formed you, O Jacob: Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine."


Tabitha said...

I share your thoughts, and your status in the multiple IVFers club! It's a scary place to be for sure, as I am right in the middle of our fourth and final try, but God has a plan. I have to keep reminding myself of that over and over and over again...

Kakunaa said...

I have you in my thoughts...for what it is worth.

Anonymous said...

I am a random person who ran across your blog a while back and have been following it for a while now. I am so sorry that you have to go through this time and I have you in my prayers.

I was looking for verses that might encourage you and i found the ones below:

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Isaiah 40:26-29,31
26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

AplusB said...

Hillary, I am thinking of you often. And please remember how many people find success after failed IVFs. There is still hope. Lots of it.

Sassy Gal said...

We are at the point of failed ART. I am praying that my husband will want to adopt.

I can't remember if I read it on a blog or if someone said this, but it is true.

"Your children are your children. No matter how they came to you." Biology aside, God has children for you. It is a matter of how He will bring them to you.

You are a very strong woman, not just emotionaly, spiritually also. I know that you and your husband will will find the right answers to your questions. His ways are higher than our ways.

Keep working on the scriptures.

Pez said...


I hope the verse brings you comfort and distraction.

I've been reading books like mad to keep from thinking these days.

You're in my prayers hun.

Iam veRONIque said...

Hilary, guess were all on a same boat. It is so nice to somehow know that our DH are always there to give us strength and encourage us not give up. May the Lord bless us all with our hearts desire.

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

Always checking in on you. Add me to the multiple ivf failure club.

We are considering our 5th cycle at a new place. Have to decide soon...

Wishing you nothing but peace and happiness, my dear.

Anonymous said...

Hey Hillary,

I am one of your long time anonymous readers...I wanted to second that you are not alone. I am 27 year old women who loves Jesus and desperately wants to be a mother with four failed IVF's under my belt. This is all part of our unique journey that God has placed in front of us. Somehow He is choosing to be glorified in our lives in this way. I wanted to share an awesome song that really helped me get out of the pit after my 3rd IVF's by Rita Springer called, "I Have to Believe" Please go listen-you will be blessed by it. I am praying for you,


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you and so many others are in this horrible situation. I had 3 failed fresh IVFs before I finally had success. For me, donor eggs is what finally brought me my daughter. There were many times during my failed cycles that I thought that maybe God didn't intend for me to be a mother. I would often pray that he would take the desire to be a mommy away because it hurt too much to want something that I couldn't get. When my Re told me about donor eggs, I had a hard time with it. I spent 8 months praying about it. My dd is 2 yrs old now and I can honestly say that I am so thankful that my eggs were crap. It doesn't matter to me that she isn't genetically related to me. I was still able to carry her through pregnancy and all that matters now is that I'm her mommy. I really believe that God has a plan to bring you your children. The plan may not be the way you thought it would be, but once you are holding your LOs, it won't matter to you how you got them.

Holly E. G. said...

One scripture that has always spoken to me in times of trial and frustration is in Isaiah 54:10, which says, "For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." I can't tell you how many times I have needed to turn to that scripture for comfort. I hope it helps you as well, in some small way.

I'm hoping and praying for you.


Betty Rubble said...

Keeping you in my thoughts, though they are not as profound and in my prayers.


Andrea said...

I continue to have FAITH in your journey. And I am going to pray for your upcoming cycle.

There IS a child waiting for you to share your love. Whether it be biological or by other means, this child you will call your "own".

Praying for you and lifting you up

many HUGS

Kelli said...

Thinking about you and praying for you every day. You know my story well enough to know that I am also in the club and even now when I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I still have days when I wonder if I will ever carry a biological child. The verses are a great idea. I have notecards on my bathroom mirror, in my car, on the fridge, by the computer...all with verses reminding me that God is in control. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

I feel compelled to ask if you have had any immune testing? I was not offered any, but a friend who is now pregnant with twins after her 5th IVF (ICSI) recommended immune testing. Although my clinic does not do this they offered me the `miscarriage` test and discovered I have elevated ANA. For my next FET cycle I will take baby aspirin from D1 of the cycle and 10 mg predonine (prednisolone) daily from D6. If it were a fresh cycle I would stop the aspirin the day before EC and start again the days after, and take 10mg predonine from D6 as usual.
Have you read `Is your body baby friendly?` by Dr Beers?
I constantly wonder in God`s greatness and the medical advances that he allows man to develop. I am thankful that he lead me to a find a Christian RE in the predominately non- Christian country where I live and that through blogs, such a yours, we may find fellowship.
I am sorry for your loss and pray that your next cycle is successful.

andreajennine said...

I remember wrestling with those questions. The Lord will lead you to answers and even to contentment. The verse you're memorizing is one of my favorites.