Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I cried so hard I laughed

Last night DH & I had a much needed heart-to-heart.

When we sat down for dinner he asked me to just talk - tell him why I am sad. At first this seemed rather silly...he knows very well why I am sad. He knows exactly what I'm sad about. How many times can I go on and on about all my sad feelings? But as I started to talk and cry, I could tell my idea of trying to "keep it together" and "not be a downer" with him had only caused distance. I feel like he won't want to be around me if I am continually sad, but he told me he actually feels pushed away when I am hiding my sadness (and not very well at that).

So we talked and cried. DH got angry. He is mad at our infertility, mad that our lives seem stuck, and said he just wants to be done with infertility. But then he's mad that stopping doesn't mean we will be done; it will simply change to another difficult journey. But he doesn't want to just stay in this childless place either. All I could do was nod, cry, and tell him I feel the same way. It was nice to see him angry.

We also discussed stopping treatments after this next IVF. I had felt like DH's stopping point was rather arbitrary, but after our discussion I could see that mine was more so. And in my heart I know we can't go on like this forever. DH pointed out that after one more fresh cycle we will have exhausted all of the money we have saved and set aside for infertility treatments, and he feels like stopping at that point will be wisely using the resources God has given us - the money we had prayed about using for this purpose - and trusting God to do his work within that parameter. If we continued beyond this, we would have to borrow from family. As much as it hurts to make a decision, I do agree with DH. Unless the RE offers us a free frozen egg cycle (ha!), we will stop treatments after one more attempt.

A couple hours later we went to bed. I had cried so much that my eyes were swollen and my head ached, but I felt a glimmer of peace and hope that God would take care of us and, in the end, everything will be ok somehow. DH & I cuddled and laughed.

But then DH made a funny noise in his throat. He didn't even realize it, and honestly, it wasn't even funny. But I started giggling. And then it turned into hysterical laughter when I tried to tell DH why I was laughing. At first he chuckled with me at my silly reaction, and was probably a little happy just to see me laughing. It was so strange...I laughed and felt like I had no control over the laughter. It very much reminded me of a scene in a movie, when somebody is beyond stressed and their emotion bubbles over into rather crazy laughter. I felt a little crazy. And as I almost started freaking out over my craziness, the laughter started changing to hysterical sobs. I alternated between laughing and crying (cue psycho movie scene). And then I ended in tears, not even sure why I was crying. DH held me and I think he was scared I was seriously losing it.

As I calmed down a little, I recited the verse I am memorizing as a comfort to DH & I myself: For thus says the Lord: He who created you, O Jacob; he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not consume you. (Isaiah 43:1-2)

It was a very bizarre experience, but I am thankful to say I woke up this morning feeling like my self. My normal self who is sad but ok. I think it was almost a surprise to me see just how much all of this is effecting me....how much emotion is stewing under the surface. I am thankful that although I feel like I could be overwhelmed by the waters, that God has promised to be with me and protect me. And I am also thankful to have my husband by my side.

12 comments:

Grace said...

I'm thinking of you so much..and I'm glad you know God is there all the way with you and your dh. It's ok to be sad ((()))..I know you'll be fine. Our light afflictions work for us a far exceeding weight of glory! There's glory somewhere in this..sending you bucketloads of love

Sara said...

It sounds as though you and your husband had a healthy night of conversation and crying. I totally get what you are saying about being sad and not wanting your husband to always view you that way but I think sometimes they do want to be included in that sadness even though they don't want to see us that way. Glad you felt more like yourself this morning. Thinking of you...

Britney said...

This makes me smile. Have you ever read "Hannah's Hope"? It's a beautiful non-fiction story about one woman's journey through IF and how it must have paralleled Hannah's in the Bible. It got me through some very rough times.

Kakunaa said...

Sometimes you just have to let the crazy out...

HUGS

Kelli said...

I am laughing right along with you because I have been in that crazy state before! Unexplainable, but hysterical all at the same time.

I'm glad that you and dh were able to express your feelings and that you are back to feeling like yourself!

I hope the appointment goes as well as possible tomorrow.

HUGS!

infertilefollies said...

You must have really needed that. It's good your DH is so insightful.

I am realizing just how stressed out I have been, and I think a little crazy laughter would probably do a lot of good.

Mrs. Hammer said...

Yeah for resolution! I'm so happy to hear that you were able to talk and resolve fears and misunderstandings. DH sounds like a keeper :) Being on the losing side of IVF does bring out emotions that you could have never thought were brewing inside. Sending you hugs and prayers!

Kate said...

What a beautiful post. It sounds like you and DH have an amazing partnership.

lastchanceivf said...

Laughter through tears can be amazingly therapeutic.
Sometimes, it is at our most saddest tearful times that we are able to start to see that there will be laughter and happiness again...and the lowest lows help us appreciate the highest highs.

I've been there. After five failed IVFs we moved on. It wasn't easy but we're seeing the good again, laughing, hoping...and this past Sunday at church we watched another couple christen their little Ethiopian son and it was amazingly beautiful. We know we'll be there, too...and that was the most amazing part.

Hoping it only gets better for you.

Kristi said...

What a beautiful post and a wonderful moment between two people who love each other alot. Keep believing god has great things in store for you because he does.

kdactyl said...

Your DH is a wonderful man to want to be side by side with you on this journey. you are not a psycho...believe me....those of us who have had several failed fertility attemps totally understand how it can become overwhelming and you just need a release sometimes. Crying just isn't enough sometimes....
kd

Mrs. Hoppy said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. My DH and I have had that exact conversation and I can't even tell you how much more connected I felt with him after I was honest about my sadness. And how at peace and safe I felt with him. I'm SO glad you feel better, this journey is so difficult and it's hard for anyone who hasn't experienced it to understand.