Friday, August 6, 2010

Heart break

My RE called me on Wednesday. I was so surprised to get see his name pop up on my phone, because we I had gotten the news about my negative beta the nurse had said my RE was on vacation all week. He called me from his vacation to say how sorry he was about our BFN! I was very touched by this gesture, although it was difficult to feel very encouraged by his words since he always thinks it will "still happen" for us and is hopeful....and yet here we are. He did say we would talk more next week about further reducing fees for another try...

***

That night in bed, DH asked me what I hoped our next steps would be. I said I wanted to try again, and he agreed. But then he said he thinks we should stop after one more attempt, unless something happens at the RE's next week that changes anything.

I knew this was our plan - 3 fresh cycles. But it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I have already been crying off and on since Monday, but this conversation unleashed a new wave of sadness. I feel like it is the right decision, and I don't want to fight it. But I told him I still don't feel ready to stop trying.

DH curled up next to me and held me while I cried. Within a couple minutes, however, he was asleep with his arm around me. I'm always so jealous of how easily he falls asleep.

I always thought I would be "ready" to "move on." I do feel closer to that point than I ever did, and the thought of leaving behind the emotional turmoil of treatments and BFNs has its appeal. Also, the thought of actually and truly bringing home a baby someday stirs some excitement in my heart, whereas it is getting harder and harder to imagine that with treatments after so many BFNs. But in comparison to these feelings, it still causes greater pain in my heart to imagine never having a biological child. I just can't let go. Why can't I let go?

As I laid there, I focused on the pain in my chest. The literal, deep ache that filled my chest as I exhaled. The only thing that eased it was an occasional, muffled sob as I released it into my pillow, but otherwise the pressure only intensified. I let it intensify, not wanting to wake DH with my sobs and also strangely fascinated by the feeling. I wonder what causes this physical sensation when you experience deep sadness? And I wonder if that is where the term heart ache and heart break come from? Because it felt like my heart was breaking, both figuratively and physically.

29 comments:

Kakunaa said...

Wish I had some words to encourage you...just know that you are in my thoughts...

Betty Rubble said...

Honestly stopping is HARD.

What makes it "OK" for me is that I know IF we wanted too that I can always go back to treatment--so this could be an extend break, or it could be done.

Remember--only YOU will know when you want to be done, and only YOU will know what the next step will be.

Keep the lines of communication with your hubby open!

Hugs to you always!e

Jem said...

I wish I could give you a big ((hug))! I wish it could be easier and that the doctor could say, "this time will be the one." and it be the truth (bcs who knows if it will be!)

I hope that hole in your heart heals.

Mellow said...

I feel that pain with you today. I know how it feels, and I know the longing. Sometimes it's hard not to be overwhelmed with sadness as you have these feelings. Praying that God will bring you peace that passes all understanding. Crying with you, and praying the hurt gets easier as the days go by.

MK said...

I don't have any words of comfort because I too know that pain so well. It hurts like nothing else. I'm so glad you have a good man by your side to help you get through it.

Nichole said...

I also have no real words of encouragement other than we are here for you!

Big Hugs!

The L's said...

There are no words. I am so so so sorry. It just isn't fair. I am praying for peace in your heart and thinking of you.

Melis.sa said...

It sounds like your RE is very caring and thoughtful.

My heart is breaking for you and your pain.

I'm praying that this next cycle works and you can take a break from treatment because you got your BFP

Rach said...

:( Your post really hit me. I too struggle with just stopping. Always wondering if the next time will be it. I don't know where to draw the line. I hope your appt with the RE goes well. That was nice of him to call you on his vacation.

AL said...

I am so, sorry for the BFN.

Huge hugs to you as your sort through the next steps. <3.

Life Happens said...

I cried reading your post. I think some of us know the heart ache that you speak of. It is such an intense pain that is brought on my such deep sadness. You may not see it now, but that pain is helping you become a stronger wife and mother.

I will pray to the Lord that He will ease your pain and bless you with His comfort. Keep having faith and believing.

Kristi said...

I know the day is coming for us too. Except with us it's me that doesn't want to do IVF anymore I want to move onto adoption but DH only wants biological children. Perhaps you can pray for DH to open his heart to adoption and I will pray for your biological miracle.

Anonymous said...

When you talk to your RE you ask him about doing immune testing on you. I've been on the IF rollercoaster for 6 yrs and have been on several message boards. I've seen many women have multiple BFNs and then once they have the testing done they discover they have immune problems. Once the problems are treated they are able to get preggy. You can do a search on Dr. Beers to read more info about the tests.
Also, ask him about having a sperm fragmentation test done on your dh. The sperm analysis that is done to test the morph, motility, and count doesn't test for fragmentation. Please get these tests done before your last cycle, you could have a problem that could be keeping you from getting preggy, a problem that could easily be fixed.

Kelli said...

I agree with Betty R...

"What makes it "OK" for me is that I know IF we wanted too that I can always go back to treatment--so this could be an extend break, or it could be done."

I am THRILLED to be on this new journey to parenthood through adoption. But I also haven't given up on having a biological child. We may go back to treatments after our first child, we may adopt again, we may only have one child. Only God knows.

I truly hope this next cycle is a success and that you won't have to think beyond that BFP! I am praying for you and hoping God replaces the pain with hope so very soon.

Hugs to you, my sweet friend. xo

Tabitha said...

I honestly believe that if God gives you a specific desire, He WILL fulfill that desire. Like you, I struggle with the "next steps" because adoption just isn't something that is on our hearts...so it makes it that much harder for me to wonder what the future holds. But the only thing keeping me sane is knowing that God is in control, God gave me this specific desire, and GOD is able to fulfill it...someway, somehow.

Courtney said...

I completely agree with the previous poster (Tabitha). She took the words right out of my mouth! God put this desire in your heart for a reason.. He doesnt just do those kind of things to "tease" us. My Bible study was in Jeremiah this morning (chapter 29.. dont remember the verse number) but its the one that talks about how God WANTS to prosper us. He WANTS what is BEST for us.. He doesnt want to do us harm. Sometimes its so easy to wonder if His plans will EVER allign with our deepest wishes.. but.. they will.

I tried for a baby for almost 3 years.. with 5 IUI's under my belt and my husband and I were considered "normal" or "unexplained IF".. and I am now 21 1/2 weeks pregnant NATURALLY with a boy. (I was >this close< to throwing in the towel.)

There were SOOO many times.. (SO.MANY.TIMES.) when I would also lay in bed and cry with that SAME broken heart feeling you spoke about. It seriously feels like someone is trying to squeeze all the blood out of your heart until it POPS... I've felt it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldnt bury my head in my pillow far enough to try and get away from the pain of it all. (all of this while, like you, trying to not wake up my husband... what good wives we are! LOL) And looking back on all of those lonely, confused, "can somebody please just tell me what the heck I can do to get pregnant already!?" crying sessions.. I look back and (with tears in my eyes now) wish I could give myself a hug and tell me not to be so hard on myself.. because so much of it was feelings of failure. I felt like some freak of nature that couldnt get pregnant like every other red blooded American woman. I felt like I was failing my husband.. from being able to be the dad that he desperately wanted to be . Trust me, girl, I have felt it ALL. Us women are too hard on ourselves. Especially when it comes to mothering a child.

But, the reason we are hard on ourselves is because that is what we want more than anything in life. And even though by the end of my struggle.. I only had about .00001% of hope left.. I COULD NOT let go of the desire to have biological children. And now I see that there was a reason for that.. because God put it there and He fulfilled. And He WILL do the same for you.

This is getting lengthy, I know, I rarely comment on blogs but I felt like it was my duty to send this to you.

One last thing.. my dear friend had 4 fresh IVF's, they were ALL BFN's. (She had really bad egg quality) So her doctor pretty much gave up on them... and now she is 3 days behind me in pregnancy with a little girl. NATURALLY. I know there are a gazillion stories out there of my best friend's, mother in law's, dog's, trainer's, ex-girlfriend got pregnant after 56 IVF's. I know that.. but we are real people, who beleive in a real God who still preforms VERY real miracles! And I always enjoyed stories of hope.. and now I AM one! And you will be a story of hope one day too! Maybe very soon!

God bless you during this time.. and here is my email if you ever need a shoulder who's been where you are.

courtneybrooke2545@yahoo.com

XOXO

Britney said...

Hi there,

I hope I'm not being too bold. I do know where you've been. We did several rounds of fertility treatment, including IVF, and none worked. We did get preggers on our own, and miscarried. Then I realized that I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be pregnant, and that my ultimate goal was to bring home a baby. God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy through the miracle of domestic infant adoption.
I'm sure you've heard many "Hopeful" stories of miracle pregnancies that happen when you least expect it. I've witnessed several personally. I don't count myself among that bunch (at least not yet!), but I (and you should) remain hopeful.
Now, we are pursuing embryo adoption.
I just want to encourage you. Fertility treatment is a hard road. I'm not (and never would) tell you to give up on that if you feel you should continue. I just wanted to share my story. I love following (and praying) for yours.

Ashley said...

I am so very sorry! I know that there is nothing that I can say to take away this pain. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Unwavering Hope said...

I know your pain all too well. My heart aches for you and for your husband. I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this. I will be praying for you in hopes that God will bring healing of the heart, spirit, and body. I know that someday God will Make You A Mom.

Leah said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and wish I could say or do something to take it away. Coming up to the possible last treatment IS hard. It was one of the hardest and saddest times of my life, so I can relate. It puts that much more pressure on that cycle, and the extra stress definitely doesn't help the cycle.

I hope you can find peace in whatever happens. One of my favorite church hymns was written by a relative of mine, Horatio Spafford. The name of the hymn is called "It is Well With My Soul." My very favorite line from that song is: "Whatever my lot, hath taught me to say, it is well, it is well, with my soul."

Thinking of you always.

Iam veRONIque said...

Words cannot unravel what exactly do we feel when we are in pain and the long wait of having our own child. I just wanted you to know that all of us understands what you feel and like most of us we pray that you be given your hearts desire to conceived and have a healthy child. May the LORD gives you courage and strength in this battle we face. God Bless.

Vi said...

Hillary- I jyst want you to know that I will not stop praying for you, DH and Your Baby. Don't give up!

Andrea said...

Tears, so many of them fell as I read your words. In all honesty, I've felt so many of those emotions. I'm not where you are, as I am doing my first IUI cycle...the first of 3 and then we move on to IVF. Now, I ponder in my mind just how many IVF cycles we would do? How can one put a number on this? It's gut wrenchingly painful to even think about. Therefore, I decided that a therapist would be of great help. I can not longer process these thoughts alone....All in all I am saying that I understand where you are and it hurts me deeply to know that a sweet person like you is going through this pain. It's real and it hurts so badly.

Hillary, I wish you the absolute best and I have great HOPE in your future. Your FAITH will surpass ANY hurdle you have to jump. None of us knows whether or not we will get our happy ending...you are not alone.

Sending you love and many prayers as you journey on.

xxx
andrea

Andrea said...

One last thought...and I certainly do not mean to upset you by asking this, as your Dr may already have done this and I know you are doing everything you can. But, if not doing it already, talk about ICSI with IVF.

Much Love

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so sorry. I am right there with you, it's an inconsolable feeling to know that it could all be coming to an end. Especially when the two of you are not yet in the same place. I'll be praying for you.

Sara said...

I am so sorry. One cycle at a time. Calm and strong all the way. Like someone else said in your comments, keep the lines of communication open with your hubby.

kdactyl said...

Hillary...praying for you. I understand your pain. Only you will know when you are ready to move on from treatments to other options.
hugs,
kd

Michelle said...

Thinking of you and I am here for you!!! That was a nice gesture from your RE!!
xoxoxoxo
Love you~Michelle

Hannah said...

Oh, I'm so so sorry! There aren't words really, for that pain. Please know I'm thinking of you and praying for you!