Monday, August 2, 2010

12dp3dt: BFN

I haven't gotten the official beta call yet, but I peed on two sticks since they don't often call me until the very end of the day.

One line. Again. BFN.

I'm a mess and I don't know how much more of this I can take. But I also don't know what else to do. How many times can I get back up? God, give me strength....

ETA: Got the call that the beta was negative. WTF appointment is scheduled for next Tuesday.

58 comments:

ABLynch said...

I am so sorry. So very sorry. I wish I could say the magic words that would make you feel better, but I don't know them. All I can think of is this line from Footprints:

The LORD replied:

"I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Rach said...

I'm praying for you Hilary. Praying for strength. If I were you, I wouldn't have been able to do all that you've been through. You are amazing.

AL said...

I'm so, so incredibly sorry, Hilary.

Big huge hugs.

kdactyl said...

I'm so sorry Hillary. Big cyber hugs coming your way. kd

Catherine said...

Hillary,

I don't know you and have only been following your blog for about a month (through your FEggT). However, I can tell you that I can relate to where you are today - I'm at the end of my rope as I have never been before due to my infertility - very weary in the midst of a very long journey. All I can say is that I don't feel very comfortable here and I'm sadder than I've ever been, but I recognize my need for the Lord, my Abba Father, more than ever. Brennan Manning says in his book, "Furious Longing of God" to say "Abba, I belong to you..." a million times a day and let that comfort soothe your soul. I have taken to doing that when I think of it and the peace is often immediate - I would encourage you to try it.

My most recent verse is: "But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God,...as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" II Cor. 6:10. It's ok to be sorrowful and grieve the loss of our children - even though they feel intangible at times, they are not intangible to God and it's still a deep grief.

May the Lord, our Abba Father, hold you tightly in His outstretched hand.

Grace said...

Oh Hillary, I'm so sorry, my heart is breaking for you! But our God is strong and able to take you through this time with your dh...I have a few thought, but I'll email you in a few days! All my love!

Anonymous said...

Oh Hillary, I am so sorry. I am praying that our all-sufficient Father holds you in His arms today. He promises us that this pain has purpose. My heart breaks for you.

jeanna said...

Oh, hillary, i am so very sorry. I will be praying for strength for you and your DH today. I hope you are able to find some comfort in this time. (((HUGS)))

MK said...

I'm sorry, Hillary. It's so devastating. When I don't know how to cope I try to remind myself that God's in control and His way is perfect (even if I wish His way was different at times). But I've definitely wondered more than once why God allows such pain sometimes. I know how much it hurts.

Melis.sa said...

I'm so sorry Hillary. I've been checking blogger all morning to see how it went. ((HUG))

Praying God gives you strength

Ashley said...

I am so so sorry!! Praying for strength and peace for you!

Vi said...

Dear Hillary,

thinking of you today and praying loads for strenght for you and DH. Hugs,

christa said...

Hillary I'm so sorry - my heart is breaking for you. I was checking all day to find out the result...you're in my thoughts.

Lindsey H said...

Hillary, I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

My heart is broken for you. I am so sorry. I know your pain, and God knows your pain and he will never leave you or forsake you. I wanted to quit ttc a million times because I thought my heart couldn't take anymore. But I sit here today holding my son and just the other day I thanked my husband for never letting me give up hope. WHEN (not IF) God blesses you with a child, all of this will be worth it, and you would go through it all again for your child.

Krystal said...

I'm so very sorry. (((hugs)))

Jess said...

May God bless you! Keep your head up. You can and will get through this.
Hugs, Jess

http://jesstryingtoconceive.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Hillary,

I am so very sorry. I am a lurker on your blog and I've been reading it for a few months now as I have been going through IF too. My hubby and I have decided to take a break after our last cycle and I was living through yours. I had so much hope for you this cycle and was soooo hoping for you to get a BFP. I'm so very sorry and I know that no words can make it any easier or any better. Just know there are lots of us anonymous lurkers rooting for you. HUGS!

Life Happens said...

I'm so sorry Hilary! I have been thinking about you all day today. I will continue to pray that the lord will bless you with strength through this and He will guide you on to the next steps. ((Hugs))

Melissa G said...

Oh Hillary, I'm so sorry.

My heart is breaking for you.

AplusB said...

I am so sorry, Hillary. Thinking of you during this difficult time. Huge (((hugs)))

Amber said...

So sorry....I don't even know what to say. My heart is breaking. Praying for you!!!

Selma said...

I'm so sorry. I was really hoping this time would be it for you!

Rosie said...

You can never really give up on your heart's true desire. You WILL be a mom one day, whatever route chooses you. Somehow you will get there. My heart aches for you and your hubby. I'll be praying for your peace and strength.
"When the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time."

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I am so sorry and I'm thinking about you today. Big ((hugs))

Andrea said...

Tearfully I sit and write this comment, as my heart is heavy for you and your husband. There truly are no words that one can extend to soothe these feelings. I've suffered the "I can't endure anymore of this" feeling recently and its so incredibly taxing. Emotionally, you must be spent and quite frusterated.

BUT

Never discount yourself honey, as you have been so FAITHFUL. I do believe there is a child to call your own and I pray fervently in your continued journey. Often times we need to take a break from this because it becomes maddening. Above anything else, know that so many are praying for you and I personally pray that your heart finds comfort.

You are never far from thought and never far from my prayers. I will continue to pray for your miracle.

Much Love and Prayers always
Andrea

Craig DeBell said...

I prayed all weekend for you and all morning long I just felt so burdened to pray some more! I am so sorry. I know how exhausted you must feel. All I can say is that I will pray your heart heals.

Andrea said...

This verse is close to my heart:

Psalms 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

More HUGS
ps I am reminded of Celine Dion and her IVF journey of 6 rounds to achieve success :) Keep the faith.

Betty Rubble said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

You however are far stronger than you realize, and you will continue to get up as many times as it takes...How much more can you take, only you know the answer--I was once told "You will know when you're done" and at the time it seemed such bad advice...but in the end it was true!

Hugs.

Cath said...

I'm so sorry. I will say a prayer for you.

Angie said...

Oh hun, my heart hurts for you. Although I can relate to the pain, I have no answers. I am so sorry.

Kelli said...

Sweet, sweet Hillary...my heart sank when I saw those 3 letters. You know I've been there and I was hoping and praying this would be different for you. I know it seems like you can't take any more of this...but remember that He will not give you more than you can handle and ultimately there is a reason we have gone through this bumpy difficult road of IF. Praying for you...for peace, strength, and hope.

Love you, girl!

Heather said...

I am so very sorry, Hillary. I wanted this to be the time for you so very badly...hugs, sweetie. You are in my thoughts and prayers. This road of IF is so incredibly difficult...may God somehow bring you peace and comfort during this time of loss.

Rachel said...

So, so sorry sweetie.

the baby baker said...

i'm oh so very sorry. my heart breaks for you.

i can sadly say that i know your journey all too well. i hope you regain your strength soon. hope is the only thing that's kept me going after all this time, and i surprise myself when i let thoughts slip in like "we'll totally put the bassinet right here." or "i can't wait to surprise my parents with our pregnancy news in october!" how do i still manage to let myself be hopeful? i don't know, but it's a gift i don't want to let go of. i hope you continue to find hope on your journey as well. hugs.

andreajennine said...

Oh, I'm so very sorry.

jlynn said...

Sending lots of love, lots of prayers, and lots of (((hugs))) your way... I am so so sorry.

amy said...

Prayers to you sweetie. I'm so sorry.

Ami said...

We've all asked ourselves that same question...How many times can I get back up? For you, I think the answer simply lies with the title of your blog, 'Making Me Mom.' I think you'll keep getting back up until you've gotten there. :)

IVF, Adoption, Surrogacy... Many paths lead to motherhood. And frankly, it doesn't matter how you get there because when you do it will all have been worth it. Like someone else said, when you finally have a tiny person (or persons!) to hold and call your own, you'll realize that you'd do it ALL over again- in a heartbeat. So keep holding on Hillary...

But today, I'm so sorry for your loss and your heavy heart. :) Thinking of you...

Ami Bunch

Mrs. Lydon said...

I am so sorry, I know the crush of the BFN and i dont wish it upon my worst enemy. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep the hope that god has a plan for you.

Mellow said...

Praying that God lifts you up and gives you strength to get through this. I'm so very sorry.

Adam and Julia said...

I am so sorry honey. I know exactly how you feel. It hurts like no other. I am here.

Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry, Hillary. This sucks.

A said...

Oh gosh Hillary. I have been busy with my new "baby boy" (i.e. new puppy), but I was praying to come here and find a different update from you. Praying you will allow yourself to cry in God's arms tonight (HUG)

Amanda said...

I'm sorry hun :(

I wanted this to be your cycle so badly.

addingtothepack said...

I'm so sorry, Hillary. Be gentle with yourself.

Sassy Gal said...

Micah 7:7 is a favorite of mine when I am in a sad place emotionally.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."

I wish I knew what else to do or say, but I know what it is like to get the BFN.

You will get through this.

Pez

sara said...

Delurking to say I'm so very sorry..

Miss Ruby said...

I'm so very very sorry

x

A said...

I'm so, so sorry, Hillary.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so sorry Hillary. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'll be praying for you and for God to speak comfort to your heart.

sonja said...

I am so sorry, Hillary. I will say a prayer for you.

Kate said...

I am so so sorry, Hillary. Praying for you.

Jenny H said...

Hillary , My heart has been so heavy for you and several of my other friends who are in the same weary boat. I know what you mean when you say "end of your rope". I am praying that God brings you peace in a simple way today to let you know He is there and still in control. One day you {will} be a mom... some how and some way. Praying that the fear of never being a mom leaves you today as false evidence against reality and the true reality of you one day being a mom settles back in.
Hold on to the Word and dig deep into His promises as this will be the only thing that will keep you from falling off your rope!
Phil 4:6-7
Sending prayers up for you today,
Jen

One Who Understands said...

I am so sorry Hillary. I was so excited for you with everything that has been happening. My heart breaks for you. I said a special prayer for you ans DH after I read this post. The Lord knows your pain and will be there for you. Keep going. You are strong and can do this.

Charlotte said...

I have followed you for the past few months, thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry to hear this result, especially after the hope of feeling symptoms! It is so frustrating to get this result after the money, time and effort.
I hope that you discover new reserves of emotional energy and hope as the days go on, and that the people around you find the right things to say and do to support you both during this time.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear this. My heart aches for you. Just said a prayer for you and may God give you strength and guidance.

Melody said...

Oh Hillary, I'm so sorry. Don't hold back from venting, asking your questions of "how long, O Lord" as in Psalm 13 and crying out to the Lord in such raw pain. He is there even when he seems so very distant and far. And He hurts for you right now.