Saturday, July 24, 2010

Thoughts on this community

You may have noticed longer gaps between blog posts, and fewer comments from me on your own blogs lately. I have mentioned it a few times here as well, and at first it just seemed circumstantial. I was away at camp. I was busy at work training my replacement. I needed a little break after my last BFN. And all of those things were true.

But here I sit trying, once again, to re-enter this blogging world and it is still difficult. It is not just something I feel like I "should" do or that I "owe it" to all of you, but something that has become dear to me. Each of you, this community of support and understanding, and even the lurkers who I know nothing about but care enough to follow along and maybe even say a prayer for me....you have been there for me for almost two years! Granted, many of my earliest blog friends have now had their babies and have stopped blogging, but there has been a fluid circle of friends that really and truly have become friends.

I don't want to lose that. I missed all of you.

I then read this post by my friend A, and this paragraph stood out to me:

And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).

I knew she was describing herself, but she was also describing me. And probably many of you. And, once again, I was so thankful for this community in that we can even share in our blahs-and-lack-of-blogging-funk together. You guys get it. I think this is me recovering and coping.

I confess I have felt guilty on many occasions for not writing, for having nothing to say, and for not cheering you on. I'm sorry I missed many of your big moments of joy or sorrow the last couple of months.

I want to say that I'm "back," and as of today I feel like I'm back. But then I don't know how the results of this cycle will effect me. If it is another BFN, will I pull away again? And if it is a BFP (please Lord!), that will change so much of what I know of IF blogging. So I guess I can't make any big promises, but I just wanted to say how much I care for you and this community. Thank you for being there and sticking with me.

20 comments:

Katy said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now and this is the first time I've commented.

I've been there too. Not always feeling like posting, the words not always pouring from me. And I think that's the best part of this community. Amazing women with a sprinkling of grace. We empathize with the range of emotions that comes with the uncertainty of our realities.

Continued prayers that this is it for you.

The Swann's said...

Very well said! You know, I've seen this is my personal life as well too. In facilitating the infertility support group here, I would get waves of women and it seemed they would all disappear around the same time too for various reasons, mostly due to pregnancy/adopting. I think with anything that consumes you (and we know IF is consuming!) that one just cannot full force 24/7 for years on end sometimes be "there". We need breaks. We need to draw in, get rejuveniated, and proceed again.

I think about a cycle... It's a typical high/low, just as life. When AF hits, we close in and greive. The week or so to ovulation we're excited and pumped and supportative believing and hoping that it's OUR cycle. We ovulate and remain optimistic for a week and then begin the downward doubt and pessimism that seems to take over as we encouter AF yet stinking again...

I know for me personally, I go thru this so I cannot expect others not to. Things have changed into a different "funk" and blogging in the IF world while pregnant though but that's a different topic you'll encouter soon. :-)

Still praying for you hun!!!

Betty Rubble said...

I think there is a general wax and wane in the "community" so you should never feel guilty about blogging or not. There is a season for everything...and that includes blogging!

Just Believing said...

I totally feel ya even though we have Faith it is still so hard to see so many people getting there BFP's and honestly really hard that we can't do IVF and I see other's getting too...Its a weird thing because you rejoice in one another's joys but a piece of your own heart breaks when someone else gets there BFP...I feel ya!

Thinking of you and hoping for your BFP!

Ami said...

Blogging or not, it doesn't matter. Just so long as you know that we understand and care about you regardless of how much time passes between posts. Many of us have been there and no explanation is necessary. :) We're sticking with you, good or bad, until you ARE a mama! And you're too good a person not to be. :)

Ami
www.bunchbabies.blogspot.com

Leah said...

I really loved this post, and wow, what beautiful words from A, which is another blog I read.

I've also noticed a lack of energy around the blog world, and wasn't sure what it was about.

I like you love the support of this blog community. At times I just don't have time to blog or I just lack the energy, but I miss you guys. I feel like we're all friends, and I know that if we lived closer and new each other in real life we would be.

I will continue to follow your blog as long as you choose to update it. I've enjoyed following your journey, and I can't wait to see where it will lead. :)

Grace said...

I totally understand this post.

Thinking of you and praying for you. Will keep coming back to check on you.

Love and hugs

Kakunaa said...

Sweetie, no matter how much or little you blog...we will listen when you want to talk. That's what it's all about...support when you need it. Promise!

Kate said...

What a perceptive post--there has been a bit of a blah feeling around the IF online community of late, but I hadn't quite put my finger on what it was.

Hang in; it's good to have you back, and count me as another following along no matter how often you post!

A said...

We have really been feeding off each other lately, huh? :) So glad we can do that, and especially glad we can hang in there when one or the other (or both!) needs some time away :) Praying that God will bless us both with motherhood very soon, and that we will be able to navigate the next "stage" together, too!

Jendeis said...

I think we all go through these tides of being really close to blogging and posting and commenting often, then pulling away a little and doing less.

It's funny to me that it seems that a lot of people in our community are going through the same thing -- sort of like our cycles are aligning themselves with each other.

Tabitha said...

XOXOXO

gringa78 said...

There's never any need to explain...those of us who've been through IF understand. I'm always hoping and waiting for your day to come...and I know it will. ((HUGS))

Amanda said...

It's harder for me to comment a lot of the time because not only am I out of the trenches, but I got out pretty easily. I still try, but I'm busier too so I don't get to as much as I would like. And I agree that there is a big lack of energy around the IF blog community... I have wondered if blogging finally jumped the shark.

Katie & Ramon said...

Hi, I'm Katie.. and I've been a lurker on your blog for almost a year now. I found you via Sarah Creamer's blog. Anyway, i don't know how much of your comments you read, but i posted an annonymous comment a few months back when i think you had an IUI and were planning on going to an amusement park and weren't sure if it was ok to ride the rides. I told you that for me after 13 months of TTC naturally, I was jumping on a trampoline and finally got prego. NOt sure if it was coincidence or not, but hey, i'll take it! Our pregnancy was unique in the way that the cycle when we got pregnant was our last one before starting treatments, that being clomid. My OB mailed me the Rx, & the very day it arrived in the mail was the day i tested positive... which was also my birthday (about 11 days after the trampoline, ha!) Then, no joke, my son was born on his fathers birthday. I still have not opened the envelope that has my Rx and probably never will. A friend of mine is going through IF and I guess my "almost there" status is what draws me to this community and these blogs. SOrry for rambling, but i thought i'd come out from behind the shadows and introduce myself. I for sure can't empathize with you to the fullest extent, but i do have a small sense of how frustrating IF can be. I've been a lurker to a few blogs for the past year or so, and all have eventually gotten their prayers answered with their BFPs, so i thought i'd pass along my mojo and let you know that even though i do not know you, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, good and bad, and truly believe your prayers will be answered soon.

If you are interested, I live in the DC area and keep a blog as well www.palaciosfam.blogspot.com, and feel free to drop by anytime! - Katie

Iam veRONIque said...

Good day! I have been reading your blog for quite a while but haven't really commented maybe because I was shy to leave my thoughts in other peoples blog and maybe because I was scared some wouldn't understand me. When I post/write in my blog it is all based on the emotion I feel and not because I just have to write something for someone. I guess we shouldn't force ourselves to do something just because we ought to but because we want to. I understand what your going through and maybe most of us understands each other. I maybe far away from all of you but please somehow know that like me their are people who understands what your going through and wants the best of the world to be given to you. I am inspired by just reading your post and other peoples comment too. So, I wish you all the courage and faith that whatever happens and will happen twice fold is the blessings that will come your way despite all the circumstances we face. God Bless. :D Roni

Michelle said...

We have ALL been there. I know exactly how you are feeling, I think it is completely normal.

It's so nice to know that even when we have to take our breaks, we are all still there, still praying and still holding onto the hope that our day will come.

I love you and please know that you are NEVER alone!!
xoxoxo
~Michelle

AplusB said...

I think it's completely normal for blogging to ebb and flow. Just know that whenever you need us, we're here for you. That's the beauty of this community.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I totally get where you are at. My blog roll of those still TTC has become so short. I look at it and realize that I may very well be one of those women who are left without their BFP. It's terrifying at times. Sometimes it's just easier to pull away then open up your blog and face another arena where everyone is moving ahead except you. I've even shied way from adding new TTC blogs because I'm afraid they'll move on and leave me too - is that pathetic? Probably. *sigh*

But I'm glad you are back either way. :)

ventingvagina said...

welcome back! come and go as you please, and as you need here. we all need to step away sometimes. and i've been where you are before: after stepping away, you just need the support. no one understands like we do.

wishing you all the luck in the universe! fingers crossed for your BFP any day now!