Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Home from the embryo transfer

The good news: The transfer went very smoothly. We transferred a compacting morula (about 10 cells) Grade B, and another one that was 4-6 cells, but the cells were very uneven and fragmented. Despite the feelings I describe next, I am truly so very thankful that we had two embryos to transfer...that God chose to give them life and the potential they hold.

The bad news: It was difficult to have other cycles to compare the embryos to. On our first IVF, I was expecting to either have no embryos or some really poor ones....and was thrilled to end up with a near perfect 8-cell grade A (and felt hopeful for our little 5 -cell, too). On our second cycle, I was again pleasantly surprised that we had a compacting morula - it seemed so advanced which had to be a good thing (and it was graded A/A-...), and to have another 8-cell again exceeded all expectations (even if it was graded B). I was so happy and excited after each transfer.

However, this time I felt sadness when I saw our embryos. The embryologist called one of them "slow" and emphasized the unevenness of the cells. And while I did feel thankful that one was a morula, the B grading haunted me more now because it did have some fragmentation....and our morula Grade A did not implant last time.

While I was processing all of this, the RE came in to do the transfer. As I have said before, I love my RE and he is always so reassuring. However, he crushed my hope even more. While he did call my morula "advanced," he also said there was some fragmentation that can lower success rates a little, and he didn't really mention the other embryo. He then went on to reassure me that he hopes this will result in pregnancy, but if it doesn't we're going to sit down and talk out another plan. He also knows this is getting expensive so he will continue to work with us to reduce fees....etc.

I just wish he hadn't even brought up the "if this doesn't work..." topic while I was laying on the table about to have the two embryos that I love and want to become my perfect babies transferred into me.

After he left the room I broke down crying. I am scared our embryos are just not good enough.

Thanks to the Valium I ended up falling asleep for the 20 minute rest time, and my sweet DH prayed for the embryos and me the whole time I was sleeping. I have continued to feel weepy and down.

The truly good news: God is in control. Doctors and scientists are always surprised when good looking embryos don't result in pregnancy AND when less than perfect ones do. But God knows which embryos will become babies, and it doesn't have to be the perfect ones. In fact, God often works in situations that seem impossible to show his power and glory. God, I pray you would be glorified in growing and sustaining these two little lives into babies that I will hold in my arms someday!

My friend Meg emailed me a quote from the book Radical by D.avid P.latt, and I think it is so fitting for today:

" . . . God actually delights in exalting our inability. He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him. In the process, he powerfully demonstrates his ability to provide everything his people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined. And in the end, he makes much of his own name."

29 comments:

kdactyl said...

I completely understand all your feelings. But I am going to continue to pray for a nice healthy pregnancy out of this. You are right...God is in control. My RE has told me sooo many times...We grade these things based on what we think they should be doing and what they should look like...but we sure do have a lot of babies born from embryos that were not graded the highest/best. So...just keep your faith and hope going.
kd

jess said...

Hi- I am new to blogging. Just wanted to say hi and that I enjoy learning from you and others about infertility, as I am going through the same thing. Please feel free to follow me. -Jess: http://jesstryingtoconceive.blogspot.com/

Pregnant Yuppy said...

My embryos were graded very poorly. But one stuck! Don't give up hope!

Kakunaa said...

Keep the faith...miracles happen all the time in our world. I will be thinking of you. HUGS and lots of sticky thoughts.

Jessica said...

I LOVE the quote...it is so true. You are so right, only God knows and He will show you something bigger than you have ever imagined. I will be praying for you and your embryos. Stay strong!

Rebekah said...

I hate that your doctor even put those words out there on your transfer day. That's the last thing you need to think about at this point. Praying for these little embryos to become your sweet baby(ies). "Next time" can be for siblings! ((hugs))

Hannah said...

I LOVE that quote too. Praying for you!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I will be praying for the "truly good news" for this cycle. Forget what those earthly doctors have said and focus on what the great physician may have in mind for you both this cycle.

A said...

Oh Gosh Hillary. I am praising God with you for your two little ones and your faithful husband, but I will be lifting you and your spirit as you walk through the next few days. You should know, though, that that quote touched my heart today, right when I needed it. God is using you even when you don't realize it (HUG)

Life Happens said...

You are right, God is in control. Don't lose faith in his ability to perform miracles.

Thinking of you and praying for you.

julie said...

I too, cried during my transfer after they showed me my slow growing 4 cell embryo.
That little embryo is now a 29 week pregnancy!

My sister-in-law also got pregnant with twins with less than perfect embryos. It happens all the time, probably more than we think when a microscope isn't involved!

Thinking of you

Barb said...

I'll be saying lots of prayers for you and your embryos. It is so true that lower graded embryos often end up being the ones that implant.
Good luck sweetie!

andreajennine said...

Praying for you and your embryos. Isaiah 26:3 came to mind as I thought of you - "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." May your mind be more fixed on our great God than on embryo quality, and may you have peace as you wait for the results of this cycle.

Betty Rubble said...

God is in control! He has our best interests at heart, and in his hands. The doctor may know all the medical jargan but he does NOT know God's plan!

Hugs to you!

Kate said...

Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote. I'm praying for you, your DH, and your embryos.

gringa78 said...

I am so hopeful for you and your embies!! If you ask on the SAIF board, there are quite a few women on there whose lower quality embies resulted in a beautiful baby. There is no rhyme or reason to IVF...it's a crapshoot most of the time. Thinking of you!

Amber said...

I understand the emotions you must be feeling. I completely agree with the quote at the bottom. Just keep praying and trusting in GOD. Even though it is much easier to say and think versus putting it in pratice at times like these. I will be praying for you, DH and your little ones.

Rach said...

Wonderful news! Lets let God be in control now. Praying for you!!

Jendeis said...

Praying for you guys.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry your grades weren't better. Have hope.

Shanny said...

Sending lots of prayers your way!

Tabitha said...

God is ABLE...and that's what counts! Praying for you!!!

Ashley said...

Sending lots of prayers your way! This is a wonderful opportunity to see God come through when the chances do't seem as high to prove Himself and His ability to do miracles!

ventingvagina said...

you're right. you're just along for the ride. fingers crossed your future has a BFP in it! good luck! good luck! good luck!

Lisa said...

"...with GOD all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

Praying and thinking of you during the 2WW :)

Melissa G said...

PUPO!

Btw, Sonja at 'On Infertile Ground' transfered three very poorly graded embies and ended up with QUADS. So don't discount your little one yet!

Praying for you, and sending TONS of sticky vibes!

Nicole said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that the transfer wasn't as hope filled as you wanted. My ET on my FET was like that- things weren't looking good and they even said dscouragingly, "We're putting a lot of pressure on these". I cried and cried after the transfer and went home and justfelt like absolute crap. I'm so sorry that you're having a similar experience :(
But just hang on to the belief that God is in control. I love to share the example of Sonja's quads. She transferred three crappy blasts (1 was a morula technically) and not only did all three take, but one ended up splitting into identicals. She just took home the first of her quads from the nICU yesterday! It really has no much less to do with quality and so much more to do with God. I pray and pray that this is your time!!! Good luck handling the awful 2ww

Heather said...

Remember in our weakness He is strong. I often think that God allows things to happen in a way that it is unmistakable that He did the miracle. Praying that this cycle is a testimony and brings buckets full of glory to Him who can do all things! Praying for you.

MAK-now said...

My T's & P's are with you.