Thursday, July 8, 2010


Hello out there, blog world.

The silence around here is weighing on me. I think it matches my heart somehow, though.

I am happy in my day to day life. The days are full, the times with my husband sweet, moments with friends a delight, and doing ministry a joy. I am training somebody at work to take over one of my part time jobs, and as the ending point draws near I am eager and excited to be done.

We are on cycle day 14 of our frozen egg cycle. Everything looked good at my monitoring appointment this week. Lining was triple layered at 9.5mm. We're aiming for a transfer on July 21st because it works in both my RE's and my schedules. It's weird how a frozen cycle can just be scheduled, but it's nice and mellow. I'm continuing with acupuncture and look forward to my sessions.

In the midst of all of this I feel rather numb. And stuck. I don't know how to describe it, really. I went out with my infertile-but-now-a-mother-after-3-years-of-trying-to-conceive friend last week, and as I talked about my thoughts and feelings relating to infertility I could see how buried those thoughts and feeling actually are. I know they are there... but they are tucked away, and it is nice to be able to live life without their interference, I guess. I haven't even cried in a long time!

But I also wonder when they will all come out, and what that will be like. It scares me a little. Sometimes I want to feel things more, but I just can't. I think I don't know what it is I am grieving or going to grieve, because I feel near "the end" but I don't know what the end result will be.

I also feel like I have lost sight of the goal, which has always been a pregnancy. I know many people say they came to a place of realizing their actual goal was to build a family and they moved past the pregnancy part, but I have not been able to do that yet. I am praying that God would remove that desire from me if it is his will, and maybe all of this is the process of that happening? Because, lately, even the thought of a pregnancy does not feel like a 'happy ending.' Doesn't that sound weird? After years of trying to get pregnant, the thought of it actually happening does not fill me with delight and hope. Don't get me wrong, I do still want that....but it feels more like I have worked so hard for a goal and was it really worth it? That perhaps I have been here for so long that I can't even imagine being "done" with infertility.....and I wonder if I will ever be able to leave it behind. Will I actually be happy if it happens? And the thought of even questioning that feels so wrong.

And the thought of it "ending" through adoption....well, that's a whole other side of the discussion. DH & I have talked about it a lot more in the last few months, but at this time we do not have any peace or excitement about that. Honestly, I felt rather resistant to adoption for most of this journey because I wanted a pregnancy so badly, but now I wish I could be excited about it because it would make any failures of our last TTC attempts seem less important because I imagine we would have this other plan to be happy about.

At church we have been studying the life of David this summer, and it has been a really wonderful time in God's word in relation to my own life. I can relate to David in many ways. Last night we discussed the season of David's life that was his "wilderness;" he spent years on the run while Saul was trying to murder him. In this particular part of the story, Saul enters a cave to go to the bathroom, but without realizing it he chooses the cave David and his men are hiding in. David sees this as his chance to kill Saul - the man who had been trying to kill him for years and making his life miserable - but is struck by remorse at this thought and does not kill him. Instead, he realizes that he cannot take matters into his own hands and sin, but instead must wait on the Lord to fulfill his promise that he will, indeed, be king someday. (Sorry for any errors in that summary and commentary!)

God has many promises for me, too, and I am waiting for the fulfillment of those. In this waiting I do feel like I am in the wilderness, and I don't even know what I am waiting for as I get lost and see no end in sight. But God promises he is with me, he will strengthen and guide me, and he is sovereign over my life. I will wait on these promises. God is faithful. I feel disoriented and dazed, but he has a clear vision of the road ahead of me, no matter how long it is.

And, as cheesy as it sounds, He is my happy ending. I really do believe that.


jeanna said...

H~it is so good to hear from you. Just wanted to say a quick hello and that I will be praying for you this month.
your sister in Christ,

Life Happens said...

Sometimes God lets us wander in the wilderness for quite a while before we can see any glimpses of light. And as we wander, we must turn to Him to get us through the journey.

I am praying that this frozen cycle will be your light at the end of the tunnel.

Rosie said...

I feel very similar about if I will finally be happy when I do get pregnant. Sometimes life is just chasing after a dream, and when you get it, it doesn't always have the appeal it once did. I think feeling this way is normal, and knowing that having a baby someday isn't going to fix all your feelings is a healthy way of looking at things. I too am not excited about adoption, I feel like it's giving up on my dream. But what a wonderful gift to give a child in need! I pray that you never need to go that route, but that if you want to it will bring you a lifetime of joy. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you this cycle, it's been your turn for so long. Best of luck!

Kelli said...

I felt the same way about adoption for a long time...dh and I didn't even talk about it for most of our years of IF because it felt like giving up. Obviously, God changed our hearts and we could not be more excited! But that is up to the Master and his plan for your life. He may very well have a little one in this frozen egg cycle and although a positive pregnancy test may not bring you overwhelming joy, there's no doubt that the baby in your arms a few months later will bring you a joy you have never known before. In whatever way God gives you a child, I pray that you will continue to seek his guidance and find peace in His love. That's not cheesy at all! xoxo

Mrs. Hoppy said...

You just conveyed wonderfully how I'm feeling as well. I really hope this FET is it for you!

Grace said...

I totally understand this post..when we did our hpts, I was almost friends have asked me if I cried, no I didn't, maybe in the near future I will but I haven't..and although I'm very happy to bewhere I am, the road getting there has been sooo long.

He is our happy ending..I'll keep you in my prayers!

Hillary said...

I was never ready to accept adoption as our path, it felt like giving up. Then, one day I felt out of nowhere, I was ready to move forward into the adoptive world. It has been as bumpy as the infertility process, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And...I haven't given up on someday getting pregnant, I am hopeful for that too. All is God's time.

Good luck with the next couple of weeks.

Rambler said...

Leaving such an amazing thing like life to God is the only thing we can do. You wrote a beautiful post that really spoke about what's in your heart, and quite a bit of whats in mine. I'm not Christian so I don't know the story of Saul, bt I liked your analogy.

Erin said...

Wonderful post. I felt like you were reading my emotions as well. I've used the term "numb" in our journey as well. My DH and I still can't put adoption on the discussion table, but probably for our own different reasons. Good luck on your FET and stay hopeful that our God's plan is good, no matter what it ends up being. Romans 15:13

Courtney said...

I dont often comment on your posts.. but tonight I felt the need to say something.

God does not put desires in our hearts for no reason. If you have the desire to be pregnant.. God put it there, and He WILL see it through. I have wanted to carry my own baby since I was .. well. since before I can even remember! And after years of trying.. now that I am pregnant.. I realize that God didnt put those desires in my heart just to tease me. They were there all along for a purpose.. and He will finish that purpose.

Dont give up on pregnancy if that is what is in your heart... but at the same time, give ALL control to God to be able to finish that work in you in HIS timing.

Adoption is fantastic! I would love to adopt someday myself.. but I dont beleive that you should MAKE yourself give up on being pregnant if that is what truly makes your heart sing. =)

hang in there darling.. God will see you through this time of waiting and growing in patience to show you bigger and better things in the future!

XOXO here's my email if you ever want to talk: =)

Kate said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post. I loved your statement that HE is the happy ending. It's so easy to lose sight of that truth. Thank you for the eloquent reminder.

Tabitha said...

I feel like you just peeked inside my head and wrote down everything that's floating arround in there.
That's crazy.


The Swann's said...

As always, your post moves me. I think and pray for you often hun. Are you still fasting weekly?

I have to agree with Courtney's comment that God does not put desires on our heart for no reason. Hold onto hope and the promises that He gives you! I knew that I would be a mother one day. That was it. God used my mom to speak to me more times than I can even count. One promise He gave her was that I would carry and birth a child. She kept saying she didn't know when, how many, or anything except the promise that God gave her that I would carry and birth a child. I hung dear to that promise as I know God speaks to my mom as He does all of us, if we chose to listen and believe.

I really struggled with Infertility continuing to steal my joy the first several weeks of this pregnancy. I too expected this happy ending with those two pink lines. Although I have been happy and would not trade a tear cried over those four years of infertility I struggled with letting go and moving on. I still find myself falling back into the emotions I had during those four years. I am accepting that Infertility will always be apart of me and in a strange way, I am thankful for this. I am also accepting to be thankful and find joy in the moment that I am given, and that is right here nad now with this baby.

I think about all the eggs and all the sperm God had the option of using to bring us a child... Yet he chose this egg and this sperm to create this child. Wow. I can only imagine how this child's story will reach others for His will! What a cool thing knowing that God is waiting on your specific child He has hand selected...

Gosh. I probably should have e-mailed you... Hope you have a fantastic weekend hun!