Friday, July 30, 2010

9dp3dt: I must be crazy

I have had moments in the last few days where I have just felt different than every other cycle...enough so that I really thought I was pregnant. The general crampiness that comes and goes, the bre.ast tenderness that has stuck around past when it normally disappears, and the lovely chest veins have all given me hope that I never imagined I could have. Sometimes I worry that it's dangerous to have so much hope, but I feel like at least it is getting me through this last leg of the tww in one piece.

But then, while in a "high" moment, I think I crossed into crazy. It's one thing to be happy and hopeful, but it's another to do something I have strictly avoided since before we even started TTC to protect my very sanity: I went to Target and went into the baby section (insert gasps). But it gets worse - I even bought something (ohhh no...).

So you know how a lot of women buy something cute to give to their husband when they tell him they are pregnant? Maybe you even did this. :) But I never imagined our BFP that way, because I just imagined us testing together and then being happy. We are not big gift givers in general, so it just wasn't what I ever pictured.

But as I got hopeful, it actually made me want to wait until beta day to test. In the past I have tested before beta so DH and I could be together, but often I was feeling so down and discouraged I wanted to test to end the torture that is the tww. This time I don't want the tww to end my happy hope, so why test and potentially ruin it?

Anyway, since I have decided to wait until Monday (beta day), I figured DH would be at work when I find out. And if it is positive, I decided maybe it would be fun to give him something when he got home. So I stopped by Target with the pretense of needing to pick up a few things...but really to see if there was anything special in that elusive baby section.

And I found the most perfect onesie and shirt:







So, my DH is a programmer. He LOVES what he does. Maybe because of that, his stick figure type drawings are often robots. (haha, he is pretty nerdy, but he is super fun and cute!) I couldn't believe I found this and how fun it would be to give it to him.

Of course, I thought about the very real possibility that I am not pregnant, but I guess I just figure that someday, whether through pregnancy or adoption, I will be able to give it to him. And I hope when we {someday} have a little baby wearing that onesie we will be reminded of how happy and blessed we were on the day we found out about him or her.

My hope for this particular cycle waxes and wanes. As I write this I am not feeling too hopeful, probably because my b.oobs have felt less sore. The veins are more apparent at night. The cramps seem gone. I haven't been peeing more frequently or feeling tired. So I just don't know. I have been up and down enough already to know that in just a few hours I could be hopeful again, though.

PS - A (and anyone else who is wondering), I will definitely post right away if I do break down and test. :) But I really think I will wait until Monday...

23 comments:

Amanda said...

My heart wants you to be pregnant so badly. Your husband needs those baby clothes!

Rach said...

That is adorable and so fitting. I hope you get good news on Monday!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I really hope this is it. When you have a positive, it does feel different compared to a failed cycle. I'll keep praying!

Leah said...

Thinking of you!

Life Happens said...

Keep up the positive attitude!! Love the cute nerdy baby clothes!

Please DO tell if you break down and POAS this weekend!

A said...

I love the onesies! Mine says "Future Harley Rider" :) Praying so fervently that you've been blessed with life within you this time :)

Tabitha said...

Keep the hope alive! That's an amazing place to be!!

Kelli said...

The onsie is adorable!!! I got my dh a "Daddy's Little All-Star" onesie on the day we went to our adoption orientation.
I'm hoping for you and praying that Monday is a day of joy and excitement! xoxo

the baby baker said...

what a cute idea! your DH will absolutely love your gift!

i just posted about hope on my blog this morning. it's tough to choose to stay hopeful, but wihtout it this journey would be much more difficult, IMO.

keeping everything crossed for a BFP in your very near future!

Craig DeBell said...

I kind of want you to wait, because I really really want you to have that "moment" that we've all dreamed about. So I am praying so hard this weekend that Monday you get that moment! I am soooo very hopeful that this is it for you.

Melissa said...

I never tested until my beta. I had cramps on and off. My boobs never hurt. I was never tired and never felt sick. And I WAS pregnant. I never had any symtoms. I also went to Target and bought a bib...in pink that said I love Daddy to give to my hubby letting him know we were pregnant. I must have known we were having a girl because I bought the pink bib. Target also has cards you can give your hubby saying your expecting a baby. Hope you get your miracle.

Melissa G said...

I've been told by veterans that different is GOOD.

Crossing everything that this is finally your time.

Hugs!

Grace said...

I'm praying for you that this is it...and if it helps, symptoms don't mean much..i only noticed veins on my boobs like the day before we got our bfp and that was 14 days past 5 days transfer...

And buying the onesie, i will call that faith! I've got a lot of onesies and sleepsuits that i bought in the last one year :)

Jendeis said...

I can't remember if I tested during any of our cycles, but I know that I definitely didn't test on the last one (our BFP). For me, all testing does is make me insane and it doesn't change the answer, so I didn't test.

I'm so hoping and praying that this is THE cycle for you guys. I absolutely love the tee and onesie. My DH is a programmer too, I got him a onesie that reads, "My Dad is a Geek".

Kacy said...

You are so strong. I definitely couldn't wait so, GO YOU!! Can't wait until Monday to read again! Hoping right along with you.
www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

Melody said...

love the onesies! Hang on to them regardless of the outcome of Monday's beta. Put them in a corner of a closet if need be but I believe your baby will fill that onsesie one day and I'm praying it will in nine months.

Kakunaa said...

i so want this to be it for you! I have wanted to do the onesir thing, too, so many times. I hope you get to give it to him Monday!

Andrea said...

The waiting is awful and so taxing! However, if I can tell you one little thing I will say that when I was prego I had no symptoms until about the 5th week. So, hang in there :)

And the fact that you bought the little onesies is what I call a strength move...very courageous :) Just keep moving forward and I am praying that we get good news from you very soon!

Lifting you up!

kdactyl said...

On my last cycle I bought a $300 Coach Diaper Bag!!!! And I was CONVINCED I was NOT pregnant....but I did it anyway...and...I'm pregnant...but I felt just like you...very scared to have maybe done something too premature....However...I'm feeling very, very hopeful for you. Enjoy this time...and I am so excited for Monday!!!!

kd

Mellow said...

Cure onsies. I pray you get to use them as you hope. :) Praying for you.

Ashley said...

Love the onesies!! Hoping you can give them to your husband this Monday! I tested my second ivf the day before my beta while my husband was at work. He was so shocked that I tested without him but it was so fun to surprise him with a positive when he got home. I feel so hopeful for you!! :)

Stefanie Blakely said...

I am so so hopful for you-- your miracle is long overdue! Will be anxiously awaiting Monday's news.

Mrs. Lydon said...

Fingers crossed!!
I used to tell myself not to buy anything in fear that i would jinx too, but then i came across a very neutral onesie that said Dreams really do come true and I bought it for motivation/Hope. Because it touched my heart (and my womb LOL) So let this be that for you. :)