Friday, July 23, 2010

2dp3dt: Thank you

Thank you so very much for all of your encouragements about my embryos on the transfer day. I love the support this community offers, and I am humbled that you would read along and offer kind words, thoughts, and prayers to me.

I am feeling less emotional, but I am ashamed to admit that I also just can't muster up the hope that this will work. Is that lack of faith? I don't know. I think I believe God COULD grow these embryos, but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he WOULD.

I read this verse today, and it encouraged me greatly:

Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help
and rely on horses,
who trust in chariots because they are many
and in horsemen because they are very strong,
but do not look to the Holy One of Israel
or consult the LORD!
Isaiah 31:1

As I read it, I changed a few words in my mind...

Woe to those who go down to RE's for help
and rely on embryologists,
who trust in clinics because they are many
and in labs because they are very strong,
but do not look to the Holy One of Israel
or consult the LORD!

(Hopefully that is not blasphemous to do, ha!)

Please know I am not implying in my little word play activity that it is wrong to go to RE's and labs....but I think that verse spoke to my heart about where my trust rests. It is God who provides help and on whom I can is God who is strong...and it is He I should consult. He may use RE's and embryologists as part of his work, but I do not want to place my trust in them, if that makes sense. And this is especially clear when the works of doctors does not offer "perfect" embryos like I would want.

And, as I said the other day, I need to be constantly reminding myself to entrust these embryos to the Lord.

So thank you for your prayers and support - God is answering with much comfort and trust (even if I still struggle with the hope part).


Britney said...

Very well put.

Rach said...

Well said. Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Letting it go is so hard for we mere mortals isn't it...keep up the faith!

Hugs to you!

A said...

I *love* how you changed the words!! I think it pleases God when we consider how His word applies specifically to our lives. Hang in there- praying for you as always :)

Eileen said...

I have been saying prayers for you girl! I just have a really great feeling that this will be YOUR cycle. Can't wait for the beta results to prove me right ;-). You know me, I waivered in and out of church through all my losses and had just found my way back right before my IVF cycle. I completely placed all my faith in God and spent a lot of time lost in prayer during my 2WW. I found this verse very comforting: " Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through
anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:13

kdactyl said...

I think it is perfectly understandable to have doubt...I don't think you are doubting God at all though. We know that freezing eggs is new ground in fertility and there is not a lot of data and learnings yet to help get to the success rates of frozen logically, your mind will tell you that. I KNOW your faith in GOD is strong...but you don't know His plan and not knowing His exact plan for you can breed anxiety when you would really like for it to include a BFP in about 10 days....I think people mistake anxiety for lack of faith sometimes. But...anxiety in these situations is to be expected and is actually very, very human. I think God knows this and knows your faith in Him and His plan for you. Just hang in there. I will have a whole lot of hope for you to help you out... :-)


Heather said...

I know that with our first FET, where we lost our 2 embryos, I was so full of hope and so sure that it work...and it didn't. With our 2nd transfer, I was not sure at all...I wasn't hopeful of having a positive beta, and I felt "sure" I was going to lose this baby too before I had a chance to know him or her. But God loves to prove us wrong (at least me, I've found!) and even without all of my 'hope' of having a child (note the difference between that and my hope in Christ - that never disappeared), we are miraculously expecting. Praying for your heart as you go through the 2ww - it can be so difficult. And I LOVE the way you changed the verse - very fitting, I think! Praying for you, sweetie.

One Who Understands said...

Yes, I think we all have to remind ourselves to trust in the Lord. I don't think you are losing faith, I think you are protecting your heart. I really hope and pray that the Lord does work his mighty miracle and make these two little embies grow and thrive!

Adam and Julia said...


You just wrote everything I am thinking right now. I don't know if you know or not, but I am on day 5 of a 3 day transfer. I am starting to doubt things as well. It is so hard to stay positive, especially when you feel your body doing things that you are unsure of. I don't think it is blasphemous to manipulate the Lord's words. He gives them to us to use in our daily lives and comfort us. Thank you for your inspiration. I am here if you need someone to lean on. Your IVF buddy.


andreajennine said...

I think that is excellent application of those Isaiah verses - not blasphemous at all! :)

Kakunaa said...

Still hoping and thinking of you :)

jess said...

I loved the application of the bible verse to your life. It is so true and fits me as well. Put your trust in God, not the medicine. He controls everything. May God bless you!

Rachel said...

Loved the way you changed the Bible verse... it reminds us all that no matter what we do, what the doctors do only God can give life - HE is the miracle maker!

Praying you will get your BFP in a few days!!!

Rambler said...

We are all apt to waver back and forth for something we want so badly with all our hearts. At the end of the day, the labs, the drugs, the protocols can do as much as they can. But the end result is really left to a higher being.

Praying that in a few weeks you'll allow us to share in your good news.