Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sweet relief

So far, almost surprisingly, the most difficult point of my infertility journey was January of this year. I had just gotten a BFN for our last IUI, and we were facing the huge decision about whether or not to do IVF. We got to a point where my husband was leaning against it, and although I desperately wanted to keep trying, I was also having a lot of doubt that it would work. But as I faced not doing IVF, that meant we would stop treatments. And as I faced stopping treatments....I was also facing not having biological children. Words cannot express how much my heart broke that month.

But then we decided to do IVF, and I moved forward with hope. We felt like God had guided us and opened doors to move forward.

After our most recent BFN, I again felt some of that same heart break. I knew we had one more IVF left to do, but I thought if that one failed my husband would not want to use the frozen eggs. Those were our "baby #2" reserve (in my dream world), but I knew he would question whether it was worth it to use them after three failed fresh cycles. Heck, I was even questioning if it would be worth it at that point.

So as I began to grieve the IVF #2 BFN....I also started to prepare myself for our LAST IVF (cue mental doomsday music). How could I face the LAST one? How could I handle that negative? How much would it hurt? How could I "move on" as my husband says....which always makes me cringe? Even as I asked myself these questions, those feelings crept in (cue break down sobbing sessions). I was so scared of those feelings that I let myself feel them.

But then we decided to use our frozen eggs now, before our LAST IVF. And I must confess what a sweet relief that brought to my heart to know we weren't facing the last one yet. In my head I know we may just be delaying the inevitable, but can I just say how thankful I am to not be preparing for our LAST attempt right now?

We're trying to view our frozen egg cycle as a "freebie." It's a bonus attempt we weren't expecting, it will hardly cost us anything, and it will be much easier than a fresh cycle. However, our clinic is 0/2 in their attempts to use frozen eggs AND we have two negative fresh cycles under our belt....so we are also attempting to maintain perspective. While we wouldn't do it if we didn't think it *could* work, we also know the odds are pretty low that it will. But, I am thankful for this extra attempt.

I am floundering a little in exactly how to pray these days. It is difficult for me to pray in hope that IVF will work - what little faith I have. But at the same time, I do not feel shaken at all in my faith that God is good, he has a plan for my life, and he will be glorified in it. And I don't question the suffering he has given me (although I don't want to feel it). I just don't know how to specifically pray for a baby anymore. My prayers have shifted more to "God please take this pain from me" and "How long, Oh Lord?." And for the first time ever, I have felt like I am able to pray that he would take this desire for biological children from me, and replace it with a desire to build my family in another way.

17 comments:

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS))

I firmly believe that when we reach a point where we don't know the words or exactly what we want or need from God that he shows us or gives us what we really need.

Praying for you sweet friend.

Melissa G said...

Hillary you have certainly been through a lot, especially in the last six months. I know it can be terribly difficult to muster any strength on some days, but look at how far you've come... You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I'll be sending tons of warm thoughts and prayers for your new cycle and hoping it's your last for a while - with VERY good reason.

Hugs.

Rach said...

Glad to hear you have a little relief and get to use your frozen eggs.

I really hope that works. Our clinic wont even freeze eggs, they said they are just not there yet the the "medium" they need to be frozen in.

I feel like those will be my prayers if our IVF does not work. We will only be trying one fresh cycle.

July is almost here!

Betty Rubble said...

Glad to hear you get your freebie!

Mellow said...

I hope yours can be the first time they have success with frozen eggs. :) Will keep you in my prayers this as you walk this journey.

trustinggod said...

I just hooked up to your blog today. Your story almost mirrors mine & it brings me to tears to finally feel like someone out there knows EXACTLY how I feel and what I'm going through. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I do not know anyone else who is going through IVF with these type of moral convictions....I admire you for standing your ground. God bless you my new dear friend!

gringa78 said...

I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hopeful for you...hang in there, sweetie.

andreajennine said...

Praying for you, dear one. May this frozen egg cycle be just the protocol needed for success. And may the Lord sustain and strengthen your faith.

Hannah said...

Oh, lots of hugs! Praying the same thing with you. Believing with you that God does have a plan, and that includes babies for both of us.
HUGS!

Leah said...

I'm so glad you have peace in this decision. It is always so difficult facing that last treatment, because it forces us to look beyond it and all that could come.

Thinking of you, and hoping you are the one to make your clinic 1-2for frozen eggs. :)

WantWait&Pray said...

I just wanted to check in to let you know I'm thinking and praying for you.

stillwaitingformysunshine said...

i hope the egg cycle goes well (you know I've saved up my eggs too)and i love the perspective it gives you of it not being the last cycle! xo

21reena

Sarah said...

Ok. So here is what my dad told me when I was feeling the same thing a few years ago. He said "Sarah, you are viewing this as the last attempt. It may be the last IVF attempt, but it doesn't mean you stop trying and praying for God to give you a baby just naturally. Look at how many women who were told they'd never get pregnant, who DO get pregnant later."
So, don't look at it as your last hope for a biological child. It's just your last fresh IVF cycle...but, not your last hope.
And God can work with 0/2...let's pray you to be that "1" they've been waiting for!!

Melody said...

yay, you get another try! I'm praying for you with each IVF cycle. This one is no exception because it's frozen. Keep hoping!

Jennifer said...

Wishing you all the support you need to reach your goals, don't give up & good luck!!!

Keiko said...

Sending you thoughts of clarity, peace, and confidence in your journey and in your next steps.

Anonymous said...

My first ever BFP was with my first medicated D3 two- embie transfered FET. Unfortunately God chose to take him or her back to heaven after 7 weeks, but I feel it was a sign from Him that we can get pregnant and that FET works better for my body. As a result we will be doing another egg collection ( I am also an 225 IU follistim mini-ivfer) this week and waiting to do another medicated IVF instead of any more fresh. Our clinic agrees that FET is easier on the body and advocates it rather than fresh transfers.
Sending you my prayers for your FET.