I know "strong" embryos don't automatically equal a BFP, just as "slower" embryos don't automatically equal a BFN...but it is really hard for us to wrap our mind around the fact that we had two nearly "perfect" 3 day embryos transferred. In fact, one of them was almost advanced to where it would be at day 4 at the morula stage. And yet, here I sit still not pregnant. How can we ever do any better than that?
It is a good reminder that God is the on who gives life, though. He did not give life to our morula or 8-cell embies, no matter how "good" things look to the medical world.
The sadness has overwhelmed me in waves, and I was thankful to have a weekend with very little activity to have time to let myself cry and pray. Some of the high points and low points of the weekend:
- On Friday DH & I went out to dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant and spent the evening discussing some changes and plans for our future. One difficult aspect of infertility is feeling like my life is on hold and I'm stuck, and this BFN spurred us on to not wait for that elusive pregnancy to make some changes in our lives. I'll share more about what these are in another post.
- There were times this weekend that I just couldn't let myself think. If I thought about much of anything I spiraled downward into fits of crying that were nearly unbearable. So I did a lot of reading, planning for non-IF things, and even resorted to playing solitaire on my phone to just have something to take my mind off of things. (That sounds so unhealthy, ha! But I did also think and pray sometimes, too. I just couldn't bear too much of it).
- I think both DH & I feel like the reality of never getting pregnant is very much before us. On Friday DH was very discouraged, but on the upside he said he felt more hopeful for our next cycle again on Sunday. It takes some time, I guess, and I hope by the time we do cycle again we will feel more hopeful.
- We told the handful of people who knew about our cycle that we would find out the results today on beta day. It was nice to have this weekend with just the two of us to process the news and not have to talk about it with anyone else.
- Two people from church who did not really know that we were cycling right now separately emailed me and said the Lord really put me on their heart to pray for this weekend. I am humbled and amazed at how God works and thankful for the extra prayer support.
- One of my high school students got baptized on Sunday, and this was a huge highlight of the weekend. It was also a good reminder of the other more important things of life to celebrate.
- And the special highlight: On Saturday, DH spent the day editing some old video footage. When he told me he was going to do this, I jokingly said to him, "Oh, why don't you edit our wedding video?" This has been an ongoing joke because we had a friend of his shoot the raw footage at the wedding, and DH was supposed to edit it. Well, it will be our 5th anniversary next month and I thought he would never do it. Apparently, he was editing our wedding video to give to me on our anniversary next month! However, DH is not very good at surprises because he gets too excited, and when he saw me really down Sunday night he wanted to show it me to cheer me up. I was so excited to watch it, and we both bawled through the whole thing (twice). We were so very happy on our wedding day, and we are still so happy together, so in love, and so blessed that God has given us to each other. They were mostly happy and thankful tears, but also a little bittersweet as we saw our innocent happy selves of 5 years ago but felt the sadness of the disappointment in our current life. But, mostly, we were reminded of the gift God has given us in each other. It definitely cheered me up and we went to bed cuddling, happy, and with no tears. I wish I could show you (boo to DH's no picture rule, haha!) because it was really sweet.