Monday, May 24, 2010

Recovery weekend

Beta today confirmed all the HPTs over the past few days - IVF #2 is negative. WTF is scheduled for this Wednesday.

I know "strong" embryos don't automatically equal a BFP, just as "slower" embryos don't automatically equal a BFN...but it is really hard for us to wrap our mind around the fact that we had two nearly "perfect" 3 day embryos transferred. In fact, one of them was almost advanced to where it would be at day 4 at the morula stage. And yet, here I sit still not pregnant. How can we ever do any better than that?

It is a good reminder that God is the on who gives life, though. He did not give life to our morula or 8-cell embies, no matter how "good" things look to the medical world.

The sadness has overwhelmed me in waves, and I was thankful to have a weekend with very little activity to have time to let myself cry and pray. Some of the high points and low points of the weekend:

  • On Friday DH & I went out to dinner at our favorite Indian restaurant and spent the evening discussing some changes and plans for our future. One difficult aspect of infertility is feeling like my life is on hold and I'm stuck, and this BFN spurred us on to not wait for that elusive pregnancy to make some changes in our lives. I'll share more about what these are in another post.
  • There were times this weekend that I just couldn't let myself think. If I thought about much of anything I spiraled downward into fits of crying that were nearly unbearable. So I did a lot of reading, planning for non-IF things, and even resorted to playing solitaire on my phone to just have something to take my mind off of things. (That sounds so unhealthy, ha! But I did also think and pray sometimes, too. I just couldn't bear too much of it).
  • I think both DH & I feel like the reality of never getting pregnant is very much before us. On Friday DH was very discouraged, but on the upside he said he felt more hopeful for our next cycle again on Sunday. It takes some time, I guess, and I hope by the time we do cycle again we will feel more hopeful.
  • We told the handful of people who knew about our cycle that we would find out the results today on beta day. It was nice to have this weekend with just the two of us to process the news and not have to talk about it with anyone else.
  • Two people from church who did not really know that we were cycling right now separately emailed me and said the Lord really put me on their heart to pray for this weekend. I am humbled and amazed at how God works and thankful for the extra prayer support.
  • One of my high school students got baptized on Sunday, and this was a huge highlight of the weekend. It was also a good reminder of the other more important things of life to celebrate.
  • And the special highlight: On Saturday, DH spent the day editing some old video footage. When he told me he was going to do this, I jokingly said to him, "Oh, why don't you edit our wedding video?" This has been an ongoing joke because we had a friend of his shoot the raw footage at the wedding, and DH was supposed to edit it. Well, it will be our 5th anniversary next month and I thought he would never do it. Apparently, he was editing our wedding video to give to me on our anniversary next month! However, DH is not very good at surprises because he gets too excited, and when he saw me really down Sunday night he wanted to show it me to cheer me up. I was so excited to watch it, and we both bawled through the whole thing (twice). We were so very happy on our wedding day, and we are still so happy together, so in love, and so blessed that God has given us to each other. They were mostly happy and thankful tears, but also a little bittersweet as we saw our innocent happy selves of 5 years ago but felt the sadness of the disappointment in our current life. But, mostly, we were reminded of the gift God has given us in each other. It definitely cheered me up and we went to bed cuddling, happy, and with no tears. I wish I could show you (boo to DH's no picture rule, haha!) because it was really sweet.

25 comments:

kdactyl said...

I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work for you. I was sooooo hopeful and asked God to grant you that new life several times. I guess He has his own plan and we must be patient. Yay to DH for being so sweet and lifting your spirits with the video. You have a special man there and I'm happy to hear that the stress of IF and IVF is not affecting your marriage. It actually brought my and my DH closer as well, but I understand many couples get lost in the process and lose each other with high stress situations such as these. Hang on to your love and I will now gear my prayers towards the next cycle. Good luck at the WTF meeting this week. Many, many hugs,

kd

Leah said...

Thinking of you Hillary. And your husband sounds like a great guy. :)

Melissa G said...

Hillary, your strength and grace continue to amaze me.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and DH. Please know you're both in my thoughts and prayers.

A said...

Oh gosh. I have been praying for you all weekend. I'm praying that God continues to shower His peace on you two as you seek what to do next (HUG)

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS))

It sounds like your DH is the perfect balance for you. That is so sweet that you two were watching your wedding video! I haven't watched mine in years :) Not sure my DH ever has.

I hope your WTF appointment brings some answers and even more hope.

Krystal said...

I'm so sorry the cycle didn't work for you. I kept checking all weekend to see if you'd updated. Know that the Lord is good, even throughout this terrible time. (((hugs)))

Mellow said...

Hillary, I am so sorry to hear things didn't work out this time for you. I will be praying the next cycle will be the one. This journey is hard, and can take a toll, especially when there are no guarantees. Just know that no matter the path that it takes you, God is there beside you and will get you through. Life is never quite the way we plan it, just lean on Him.

Rachel said...

I am so sry that this cycle wasn't the one.

Sarah said...

My little bit of encouragement for you, for what it is worth: I've transferred two highest grade, FIVE day blastocysts...and still got a negative with those two cycles. But you know how it ended for me: third cycle gave us twins. Don't give up on God, the ultimate healer! You're suffering is not in vain. He is ok with being misunderstood b/c He has something AMAZING that will surpass your dreams for yourself.
Read about all the barren women in the Bible: Ruth, Elizabeth, Hannah...not a single one was left barren!! Pray without ceasing! And when you feel like you just can't pray about it anymore, just sit in silence before God. Tell Him you have lost hope and can't pray about it anymore. All He wants is to hear your heart. Let Him hold your heart even when you have nothing left to say.
Sarah
P.S.-And you are allowed to have bad days, weeks, months. Allow yourself to feel mad, angry, etc. It is the only way to heal! Sending you some big hugs!!!

JustUs said...

I am so sorry about the BFN. I pray God will give you peace as you regroup and he will allow you to become a Mommy at his appointed time... Huge ((HUGS))

gringa78 said...

I'm so, so sorry, Hil. I wish there were something I could say to take the pain away. You're in my thoughts, as always, and I remain hopeful for you, even if you can't be for yourself right now. ((HUGS))

Betty Rubble said...

Your post made me frown and smile at the same time.

Smile because your faith is so strong. Frown because you're not pregnant. Frown because of the WTF appointment on Wed will yield "We just can't explain why this didn't work" UGH...and smile again because you and your husband are so much in love.

Hugs to you both!

Life Happens said...

Thinking of you! ((Hugs to you my friend))

Missy said...

I'm so sorry this cycle was negative and will be praying for you two as you figure out the future.

And I love the wedding video! How sweet that he made it and gave it to you early. We had some relatives shoot video at our wedding and I planned to edit it. It only took me 2 years.

Ami said...

Thinking of you...don't give up. I struggled through 4 failed IVFs each time thinking I was foolish to keep trying, but so hopeful that one of those times God would agree with me! :) It wasn't until IVF #5 that I was blessed with triplets. HANG IN THERE Hillary. You are too sweet NOT to be a mom! :)

Ami

Grace said...

I've been hoping and praying...I'm thankful though that you and your dh pick each other up...no matter how disappointed we are, my husband and I try to never forget why we are ttc in the first place- our love for each other. Don't give up hope sweetie..I agree with what Sarah said, not one woman in the bible was left barren and I believe if God has put the maternal desire in our hearts, He'll fulfill them!

Loads of love coming your way!

Ernie said...

I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work for you. I hope you find your hope again for the next one. It is great that your husband was able to cheer you up a bit with your wedding video!

ABLynch said...

Life is so full of blessings! Yay hubby!!

I'm sorry that this wasn't your cycle, but have hope that soon we can share in your joy.

Rach said...

What a huge blessing your church friends had you on their heart this weekend. That is simply Gods work, so amazing.

The video sounds so neat, how sweet of your husband.

You two are really the ultimate couple! I pray you keep grown stonger through this journey.

AplusB said...

I am so sorry this cycle did not work, but I am so happy to see that you can find good things to celebrate. You are such an inspiration to me!

jeanna said...

oh sweet lady, I wish I could be there to hug you. It is so hard to wrap our brains around this, you are such an inspiration. I am still hopeful for you.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I wish this would have worked out differently for you :( Sending you hugs and prayers. I'm glad to see that God continues to strengthen your marriage and faith through this trial.

Erin said...

I am so sorry. Prayers for you and DH.

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry for this recent (-). I empathize so much with you about the heartwrenching, terrifying feeling of maybe never getting that BFP becoming more real. The cycles and years add up and can really be discouraging. My DH and I were also in nowhere land (as far as IF goes) on our 5th anniversary, but here comes our 6th and with it I'll be 37 weeks preggo. I hope your story is similar :)
I'm glad you got to rejoice over your wedding video , how awesome!!

stillwaitingformysunshine said...

reading your post took me through such a range of emotions. I'm so sorry that your beta was negative and I am absolutely heartbroken for you. You have such a beautiful way about thinking about all the wonderful things in your life, that I'm also so happy for you. Lots of love,Reena