Monday, May 31, 2010

Change is in the air

I quit one of my two part time jobs this week.

I feel incredibly relieved, but I also cry every time I think or talk about it. I had been considering it for a long time (as evidenced by an August 2009 post), and this last BFN spurred me on to actually quit.

I had always imagined I would quit this job when I got pregnant, but after this BFN I needed to separate the two. My job did not have to be linked with pregnancy. In fact, I needed it to NOT be linked to pregnancy any more. Each BFN was that much harder because I was not only grieving the failed cycle, but I also felt trapped to keep working.

But I cry because I am quitting and not pregnant....which wasn't "the plan."

My boss was really great and understanding about it, and the process of leaving will take some time. We will have to find a replacement who I will train, and I don't really know how long this will take. So the change is not immediate, but it is on the horizon.

I also cry because I am scared of what lies ahead. I need a change of jobs, but the only job I really desire is to be a stay at home mom. DH & I have decided I will continue to work about 15-20 hours/ week at my other part time job, and fertility treatments can be my other "part-time job." If those end and I am not pregnant, we will re-assess and I may get another job. I cry at the thought of not being pregnant and having to look for another job....but also cry at the thought of not having enough to do.

When I made the decision to quit, I thought I would write a rather celebratory post telling you I was finally making a change I had been longing to make. I have been happy at my job overall, but each month that went by it was more and more difficult to continue working there. I have a deep sense of peace and relief that I have quit, and know God will provide for me in my next steps whatever they are.

I simply did not expect this to be such an emotional decision, nor did I realize just how much my job has been tied to my dreams of pregnancy. Quitting has felt like I am admitting to myself that a pregnancy may never happen. And I had to admit it. But it's been really painful.


Melody said...

I know that's hard, Hillary. I remember having the same feelings. I'm so glad you are in a position where you can stop working. I'm sure you will be glad to have the extra time. Your body needs the rest. There will be light in all of day there will be light. These days are dark right now, even though you have hope and you are clinging to God through all this, they still seem like dark days. Just know that you will not always feel like you do right now. Love ya and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I am in the same place as you - I think it's great that you're able to separate the two, give yourself more time to focus on IF treatments and hopefully moretime for yourself. I understand the fear that comes along with this, but I think you are doing a great thing for yourself. xoxo


Erin said...

I also had mixed feelings around working. Last year I quit one of my most favorite jobs before getting pg. It was so hard. But in the long run, it was the best decision to made. I know that this is a good decision for you. Good things will come your way.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you must be feeling, but to be honest, I'm super jealous. ;-) Being a SAHM is also part of my master plan, and each month that goes by reminds me that I'm still working because I have nothing else better to do. We also aren't really in the position for me to stop working yet - we could make it work if we needed to, but if we have the opportunity to pay off some debts and do a little more saving - that's what we should do. Good for you that you guys are able to make it work, and I TOTALLY agree that treatments are as much work as a part-time job. Hopefully this will make the next cycle more peaceful.


Leah said...

I'm sorry for your pain. It's always so difficult when things don't go according to plan. Thinking of you and hoping that you quitting this part time job ends up being a huge blessing in your life.

Rach said...

I know it's not fun going to a place everyday that you don't enjoy. I hope you don't have to look for another job. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

lastchanceivf said...

Wow--I went through such a similar thing. I worked a second parttime job for ages during fertility treatments. It had a definite end (grand funded) and I just knew I'd be pregnant before that grant ever ended. It was hard leaving the job still without a pregnancy but it was nice for a little while to do treatment parttime and working only parttime. IF gets so tied up with everything.
I hope you get to be a Mom some way, some how. We're finally realizing it just wasn't going to go the way we thought it was (the illusion of control!--ha!) and we're ok. Happy even :)
Good luck!

Anonymous said...

H.- congratulations for having the strength to make that big decision. Big hugs for you, I have you in my prayers every day.

Anonymous said...

I think we all make plans based on our potential pregnancies--from jobs, to houses we buy, to the cars we drive, to the vacations we plan for NEXT YEAR...its all tied to what makes us the "infertiles" that we are. Sigh...

Hugs to you!

Hannah said...

Oh, that has been tough for me when I associate certain events with a pregnancy. Glad you know that quitting that job was the right thing, but I'm sorry that it wasn't with the excitement of a pregnancy. I truly believe our time is coming, but it's so hard.

Kelli said...

A couple years ago I said I wasn't going to cut my hair until I needed a "mom-do." My hair is now very long and I can't seem to muster up the courage to cut it!

I know this is hard because of the emotions that come with it, but I am so glad to hear that you are also feeling peace and relief.

Praying for you, as always! xo