Monday, May 17, 2010

6dp3dt: Deja Vu

I am really struggling to remain hopeful today. I loved all of your comments from yesterday's post...and they got me through a good portion of today. I loved how Selma said, "I was 100% sure my IVF cycle didn't work because I had no unusual or early pregnancy symptoms. In fact, I was sure it felt like every other failed treatment cycle....In retrospect I wish I had had more hope." (Thank you!)

But....I just feel like I can't do it. I feel like I my hope is slipping out of my grasp. I can't hold onto it anymore.

I think the main trigger for this is that my PIO sore br.easts have disappeared...around the same time they did for IVF #1. It just feels like deja vu and I am scared.

I want to be hopeful. I know in my head that I could still end up pregnant. But all I want to do is curl up in a ball, cry, and brace myself for testing this weekend by praying that God would have mercy on me in my suffering.

29 comments:

Cadie said...

I just wanted you to know that I think of you often, and petition our Lord for you and your husband. I'm praying so hard for you. Don't give up hope...God is a God of miracles! "The Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace." Numbers 6:25&26
Love, a sister in Christ :)

Rachel said...

I am thinking about you. This tww thing is rough...

Missy said...

This is a rough time, I can understand that. But it really is still early. I will keep the hope for you.

~Katie said...

HOPING and PRAYING!

Anonymous said...

I didn't have IVF, but I'll tell you that I didn't have sore breasts with any of my progesterone supplements including PIO. I didn't have the sore breasts until well into my 1st trimester. Everyone is different, not everyone has the same symptoms. Keep your chin up! I'm praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I think most people who finally got a BTP had the feeling that it's not working sometime during the 2ww (including myself). So don't over think it. Focus on your responsibilities to keep your spirits up and take care of the 2 embryos for these 2 weeks and see if God would allow an 'extension' thereafter.

AplusB said...

The 2ww is SO hard. I struggle to remain hopeful during my 2 week waits, and I completely understand what you're feeling right now. Sometimes you just need to rely on others to be hopeful for you!
There are plenty of women who were pregnant with NO symptoms. I am praying for you!

kdactyl said...

Hillary...with my current pregnancy...I was convinced at about this time (5 days after 5day FET) that I was NOT pregnant....everything just was GONE....and then I got a BFP....the symptoms come and go so much that they mess with your mind. There is no harm that comes from hoping....I am praying for you and your growing embies! Even now...at 12 weeks...I still have days where I feel NOTHING and feel like all hope is lost...but no...the little heartbeat keeps on showing up on the monitor....hang in there. I know this time is soooo hard...I have been there so many times...but three of them had really great endings....so I know it is possible (and I had old eggs and DH had super lazy, malformed spermies)...so if we can do it....I totally have faith that you can too.

Praying for you daily.

hugs.
kd

Mellow said...

Hang on to hope. Don't let your joy be taken from you. You can find it in your previous posts, your hope and joy. These things can be held onto even in the midst of your hardest days. I have had to remind myself of this in these past several weeks as we have gone through the most pain I have ever had in my life. There is still joy, and hope in the hardest moments if we allow ourselves to find it. Praying that things go well for you, and you get the desires of your heart. I too had symptoms come and go during my IVF cycle and was sure that things weren't going well in the beginning. I was wrong, and I hope that you are too. :) Hang in there. God's got something big for you.

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS)) I'm praying that your symptoms or lack of symptoms don't mean a BFN.

Morningglory said...

I'm not an expert and I can't feel every woman in the worlds symptoms, but I assure you, It is WAY to early for any symptoms. Most women don't feel symptoms till they are about 8 weeks pregnant. Having sore breasts then not having sore breasts is the PIO working. It is perfectly ok that you feel nothing. you do not have enough pregnancy hormones in your body working yet. but you will dear ... just rest, you need to let your body hold that embryo tightly. If your up running around all crazy like, your body isn't relaxing. Errands can wait my dear, this embryo needs you to be calm and give it a calm home. :)

sorry this is how I was thinking during my IVF #2. For the entire 2 weeks I pretty much did nothing and went no where. Having my twins was more important to me than a stupid errand. I made others do everything for me. lol I pretty much acted like my legs were broken .. hehehe :) I can't help but believe that gravity plays a roll in implantation. why else would our RE's tell us to lay for 20mins - 2 hrs with our legs elevated after the transfer? SO, I went way beyond that and elevated for almost the whole 2 weeks... except when I ate , bathroom breaks, showers, and if I HAD to help someone.

I'm so rooting for you this IVF attempt. As a friend of mine would say,

Delayed not Denied! 2010 is your year!

Kacey said...

I felt just like this the day before my beta...I just knew I wasn't pregnant...my sister told me " don't let Satan steal ur hope and joy...she said all it is is Satan in ur head...the next day I got my positive beta...it's twins! I had no symptoms either and felt like my period was about to start...keep ur head up girl!

babygaga said...

I had also no sore breasts and no real symptoms, when it worked for me. I would not give up on hope.

Betty Rubble said...

I've been there! I hear what you're saying!

When we were pregnant I went OFF on a friend who asked how I was feeling--why? Because I was so obviously PMSing how dare she ask. See, you are not alone....we've all been there, we know how you're feeling.

Of course like you we're hoping we can say "See, every pregnancy symptom is different"

Hugs!

AJ48 said...

Hang in there girlie. When I went through IVF I didnt have any symptoms except for urinating a little more than usual - but even that threw me off. Praying for you!!!

A said...

Ugh, I am right there with you with a severe lack of what I'd expect to be feeling if I were pregnant. After our BFN yesterday, I am somehow still hoping and excited about the possibility of a + beta on Thursday. Praying hope will return to your heart- (HUG)

Andrea said...

Your struggles are warranted and its easy to allow HOPE to fade when you don't feel confident in a positive end result. Unfortunately, your JOY has been stolen so many times along this journey that it's hard to remain optimistic. However, don't count yourself our sweet girl, as we are all rallying you on and believeing in you and believing in what HE has in store for you. This journey is a tough one, but you are going to find victory, just don't give in.

Remembering you with these words:


Psalm 31:1-3,24

In You, O LORD, I put my trust;Let me never be ashamed; Deliver me in Your righteousness.Bow down Your ear to me,Deliver me speedily; Be my rock of refuge, A fortress of defense to save me.For You are my rock and my fortress; Therefore, for Your name's sake, Lead me and guide me.

Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who HOPE in the LORD.

Much Love & Lifting you in prayer
Andrea

Heather said...

Lifting you in prayer, Hillary. Like so many others, I was CONVINCED our second FET had not worked. There were no symptoms, and it seemed like there were actually AF symptoms showing up...I was devasated. In fact, the night before our beta, I crawled into bed and told my sweet DH that we weren't pregnant. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up and POAS'd before the beta so I would know what to expect....FULLY expecting it to be negative. I started having trouble breathing when I actually thought I saw a second line (and was breathing hard enough to wake my poor DH at 4:30 in the morning). It was positive...I was in shock.

I know stories like this can help with hope and also be so heartbreaking if these little lives don't make it...but I wanted to share in hopes of giving some hope to get you through these next few days.

The great thing is our God doesn't need us to FEEL hopeful for amazing miracles to happen. Even when we feel hopeless, He is working. He doesn't judge us or make decisions based on how we feel...ultimately, our trust is in Him for everything, and He knows that. He is holding these little lives no matter the outcome.

Hugs and love, sweet girl. Praying for you!

Selma said...

I'm thinking about you! Hope you don't mind but I decided to follow your blog on a more permanent basis!

I can totally relate to how you're feeling! I started loosing hope about the same time post transfer as you with my IVF cycle. Even after my RE called me to announce my +BETA I told him that they must have switched my blood sample vial with someone else's and that surely I wasn't pegnant. I told him I was getting my period. It just felt like every other failed cycle. I always thoguht I knew my body so well after all these treatmnets that I would be able to tell the difference when I got pegnant!

As some other ladies on here mentioned most of the time you don't actually have any pegnancy symptoms until at last 6 weeks or so.

So hang in there. Reading through some of your older posts I realized what a strong person you are. And what a great example of faith and hope you are to many of us.

I will make sure hubby and I keep you and your DH in our prayers! Hugs!

Elle said...

You cannot stress about symptoms this early!!! I got a whack of symptoms right around the time of conception/implantation and then nothing for weeks. My breasts became sore after a couple of weeks later and symptoms came roaring back. Don't worry! Plus, every day is different. There would be days my morning sickness and sore boobs were gone completely, which would send me into a panic. Symptoms are finicky things.

Kakunaa said...

Hillary, everyone has different symptoms. No giving up until there is something to give up. Positive thoughts could very well lead to BFP. Trust your body. When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Okay? (((HUGS)))

Hannah said...

Oh, I feel for you! Hugs & prayers!

Jenny H said...

Heb 11:1 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
Faith~Hope~Peace... I pray that He consume you!
Go get a snack girl and feed your embies! Nourish that body to be a cozy place for your babies! Think warm thoughts and eat warm foods, they will thank you later!
Waiting eagerly to heart your beta results!
You serve a God who is the author of life!

Jenny H said...

... in other words
Psalm 121
1 I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.

One Who Understands said...

I seemed to lose my hope around the same time last cycle. I don't know what it is about the half way point that freaks us all out. Hold on to that hope! Don't let go just yet.

Mrs. Hammer said...

Hang in there Hillary! With IVF #2 I went through the EXACT same thing. I remember crying in my kitchen with two of my friends convinced that it didn't work. I will pray for peace for your heart right now.

Jennie said...

Hi, the 2ww is so hard. I wasn't successful until my second IVF and I really didn't feel pregnant or get a +hpt until 10dp3dt. Don't read too much into your symptoms and Stay positive!

stillwaitingformysunshine said...

Hillary - I am so sorry that I have been MIA during this important time for you. After our failed IVF it was just too much. I have totally caught up with ALL of your posts and remain SO SO SO hopeful. Having just read about your FIFTEEN EGGS and seeing your TWO GORGEOUS embryos, I can't help but think that this will your time!!! I will continue to pray for you and hope that you post some amazing news very ver soon - Lots of love, Reena

The Swann's said...

Holding onto hope for you and Dh hun!!!!! I may be quiet and not comment as often or e-mail but do know that I am thinking and praying for you often, VERY often! Praying for peace specifically right now for you. Peace as you get closer to testing time that although you do not feel "differently" you will not be anxious and your faith will not waiver. Big hugs to you!!!!