Monday, April 12, 2010

Keeping afloat

I'm doing ok. I really am. I haven't cried since the weekend of the BFN. In fact, the weekend of the BFN was really great...other than the BFN itself. And life has been good, full, and I have felt pretty happy. I have full faith in the promises of the Lord and I know he is with me.

So why is it that despite all of this I barely feel like I am keeping afloat? That although the water is warm and not to deep, I still feel like I am struggling and splashing within it?

I always knew the BFN was a possibility with an IVF cycle - a big possibility, really. And when I had let my mind wander to "what if this ends in a BFN," I had an imagine of my very sad self crying. A lot. And I feared I would perhaps fall into a depression and struggle to get out of it.

But it hasn't really been like that, and emotionally I have been doing ok. But the problem has been in simply living life. I am still doing all of the things I did before, but I find myself lacking any motivation to do them. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to the grocery store, I don't want to make dinner, I don't want to do youth ministry events, etc.I can barely even muster the energy to comment on your blogs.

I feel like I need to re-group before starting IVF again, but I don't really know how. I want to start the new cycle with a spring in my step and a prayer of hope in my heart....not just going through the motions.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Hillary, its Lara from the Bump! I havent been on the Bump for ages but I follow your blog as I find it truly inspirational. And even though we are different religions, I find your religious posts and references to God and Faith so comforting and find that they translate so well into what I believe.

I wanted to say that we just had a BFN for our first IVF cycle in February and I know how heartbreaking it is. Even though we knew it was a very distinct possibility, it still feels like a punch to the stomach which you're not sure how to straighten out from. I just wanted to say I can totally relate. I'm so sorry to hear about your BFN and wanted to share that I understand. We changed RE's as we felt our old clinic was not a right fit for us and I am now starting a new cycle with the new clinic. I have renewed hope but am terrified it won't work again.

Just wanted to share and to let you know that the pain dulls, I promise.

Best of luck to you and your hubby.

Lara

Betty Rubble said...

The stakes were higher, that's why its different. Sigh.

Hugs to you as you continue on the roller coaster...

Elle said...

It takes a lot of strength to keep going but you will do this!

jessica56 said...

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and your DH! BFN suck and the feelings and emotions that come with it are just as heartbreaking. ((HUGS))

Leah said...

Hi Hillary. IVF takes so much out of us. It's so easy to get down. I know for me, it was a realization that this super duper expensive treatment with excellent results didn't work for me! At least not the first time. It was a hard pill to swallow.

I wish I had these beautiful words of wisdom, but really I just wanted to stop by to say that I'm thinking of you.

MK said...

I feel the exact same - EXACT same. Just going through the motions of living.
I know how much it hurts to live that way. I hope you feel better soon.

Rach said...

I felt the exact same way. After much discussion we are going to postpone our IVF by one month. I think it's for the best. I've been trying to focus on being normal. Working out, relaxing, hanging out with friends, having "date night" with my husband.

Hope you get back to your old self soon!

A said...

I just want to give you a hug!! Even though I didn't even get as far as ER, I felt a little zoned out after our cancellation recently. I can imagine that a BFN would have affected me even more deeply!! I don't have any words to magically retrieve you from the water, but this came to me while I was thinking about you... in all my swim training, I'd always been told that if I felt like I was drowning, I wasn't supposed to thrash about and get all worked up. I was just supposed to stay calm and float on my back until someone can rescue you. SO, maybe right now, even though you feel like you're floating aimlessly, try to stay calm and look UP!! Someone is waiting to rescue you soon!!

Tabitha said...

I know exactly how you feel, because I'm experiencing the same thing myself right now. I feel horrible saying it, but I know God is here with me, but It's almost as though I feel so far away from Him right now, even though I long to be closer. So I get it, and I'll be praying that both of us are encouraged and find that joy agian! (((HUGS)))

lifebytheday said...

Oh hun, I know exactly how you feel. After my BFN(s), I just got very numb and didn't want to participate in life AT ALL. Just know that it gets better, but that you have to baby yourself for a little while first. Do whatever makes you feel better, and just know that we WILL be Moms someday...

Rach said...

Just stopping in to let you know I nominated you for a little sunshine on my blog!

gringa78 said...

I felt the SAME way after our failed cycle last summer...it was the first time in my life that I felt I was clinically depressed. I sought counseling (but didn't find a counselor I liked) and just tried to get out of bed everyday and go through the motions. When it came time for my FET I was completely numb. I didn't feel anything about it....and it drive me nuts to hear people tell me to "stay positive"...I wanted to yell, "YOU try it in my situation!" So I won't tell you to stay positive...I'll just tell you I'm thinking of you and I know you get get through this. Just keep taking everything one step at a time...one day at a time. I know your day will come...it's just so hard to wait around for the next cycle to begin and deal with all those feelings of uncertainty. Hang in there, sweetie. ((HUGS))

Melissa G said...

Wow I can completely indentify with this post. While, my sadness hasnt been IVF related, I know the stings of BFN's all too well.

I'm sorry you feel like you're still floundering. The only thing I've come across thats helpful is just plain time. Give it time.

Don't move forward until you're ready. And you'll be fully aware of when that time is.

Hugs.

stillwaitingformysunshine said...

i know how i've felt after IUI BFNs , so I can only imagine an IVF BFN - I'm sorry you're feeling so down. This whole IF experiece just makes you wanna do nothing else until we get the job done! hugs