Friday, April 23, 2010

Getting ready

Prior to our wedding, I was in my first year of teaching and working full time. I got this job after the school year had started, so we had already planned our wedding for a week before this particular school got out for the summer. I cleared it with my principal when I accepted to job that I would take the last week of school off, but return for the last day of school. That year of teaching was really, really difficult (and is mostly why I am no longer teaching). I cried everyday.

Meanwhile, I was wedding planning. I loved planning our wedding, and while it definitely required a lot of work, I never felt overtly stressed about it. And as the wedding approached I just felt busy and excited. I had to teach until the Thursday before the wedding (while still crying), prepare sub plans, and do all the last minute wedding details. It was a crazy week but I was just so excited I made it through.

Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life so far. :) As we drove away from our reception at 4:00pm, I anticipated a 2 hour drive of talking, laughing, and reflecting on the day. However, much to my surprise I immediately fell asleep. Poor DH. I slept the whole drive.

Every time we got in our car to drive anywhere more than 10 minutes during those 5 days, I fell asleep. To this day DH still laughs about it because I am NOT typically one who falls asleep easily or just anywhere. But we joke that I slept half of our honeymoon.

I think that was how the stress of that year manifested itself - I was finally able to relax and out of my emotional an physical exhaustion all I could do was sleep.


I am trying to prepare myself emotionally & mentally for IVF #2, but how does one actually do that? Honestly I think I still feel rather numb. I told this to a friend earlier in the week and she suggested it may be a blessing from the Lord that I can just continue to move forward and the numbness may be blocking some fear and worry. I like that idea. :) Another part of me wonders if I should be "processing" more, but I don't know how to just "do" that. I just keep praying!

I wonder if there will be some point of release for all of this, much like our honeymoon was after that difficult year. Sometimes I can only see these kinds of things in hindsight.


I just spoke with a nurse at the RE's. I haven't gotten "the calendar" for the new cycle and I needed some info. I also decided to go ahead and order the meds. I expect AF to arrive in less than a week, and she said that I will NOT be on birth control pills. So I expect to start stimming next week if all goes well at the baseline appointment!

One thing that was odd to me when I told her I wanted to order the meds was that she asked me how much Follistim I wanted to order. I didn't even know what my dose would be, and even when she told me it was hard to figure that out in my head on the spot. Eventually I just ordered a 900iu cartridge and figured I would re-order more as needed....but there's no point in having too much of that expensive liquid gold (and I still have 300ius left from last cycle).

Oh, and DH & I decided last night not to freeze eggs. Thank you all so much for weighing in on that! Ultimately we felt like if we had insurance money for {any} part of our IVF cycle, we would jump at the chance. But since it would be our money taking the risk, we decided not to. My heart was a little sad once we made this decision because the thought of having frozen eggs gave me some extra peace of mind, but the practical side of me thinks this is a wise decision for us. And now I have to rely on the Lord and trust him without having any frozen eggs to "lean on." Not that anyone who does have frozen eggs would be trusting those and not God, but I'm just saying this would have been a temptation for me....and it has been removed. So, God, I am trusting you with this cycle and whatever lies ahead in the future (and can you please let my eggs stay good for awhile??). :)


Leah said...

That honeymoon story was so cute. I remember the pure exhaustion and happiness after wedding.

I wish I could share with you a way to mentally prepare for IVF. Because I think the mental aspect of IVF is way harder than the physical aspect. (and the physical is no joke either)

Thinking of you on this journey Hillary.

Rach said...

Glad you made a decision on the eggs and can move forward. It's so exciting getting the calender. Makes it seem that much more closer.

Good luck this cycle.

A said...

You won't be too far behind me if you start stims next week!! Praying God will bless us both with happy and healthy little ones through our upcoming cycles!

stillwaitingformysunshine said...

I'm a teacher and it was SO TIREING planning the wedding AND teaching and leaving sub plans - it's no wonder you were so sleepy.

So exciting about your upcomming IVF - I think the numbness is totally understandable. I'm already feeling numb about my upcoming Beta - I think it's the only way to deal sometimes.

I think you made a good choice about the eggs...the thawing rates are so low.

Can't wait to hear more!

Ami said...

Good for you Hillary! You seem to be at peace with your decision, which is ultimately THE most important factor! We'll be pulling for you! :)

Rambler said...

Hey, we may be starting stims around the same time! How cool.

I know what you mean by "numb". I think that sums it up perfectly for me. I'm going through another IVF, when I never thought I would do a first one. I'm shutting down in some respects, allowing for the numb to take over, and the mental toll to decrease.

I'm with you on this path.

Kelli said...

This is my 6th (and WORST) year of teaching - it's been a tough year for me. I totally get the exhaustion. Praying for you...continued peace, good eggies, and your BFP!

ps. Happy Belated Birthday!

Hannah said...

Oh, I understand that numb feeling after so many emotions. I've felt that way a lot this month. But like you, I know God has a plan through all this. Hoping and praying with you!

Betty Rubble said...

Hugs. Thinking of you often!

Elle said...

I'm sure the decision you've made about your eggs is the best! Lots of good thoughts your way.

KC said...

It sounds like we have lots in common. I am a teacher and I am thinking about doing my first round of IVF. Your blog has been very helpful and I will enjoy following you through this next (and hopefully very successfuly) IVF journey.
Baby Dust!!!